this week in stupid: November 2 edition
Jesse knows it, Donny blows it, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.
monday: a floating cable news channel of garbage
after MAGA joke-machine Tony Hinchcliffe shit the bed at Donny Convict’s Nazi rally by calling Puerto Rico a ‘floating island of garbage,’ Republicans fell all the fuck over themselves in a mad dash to swear that Tony did not speak for them.
oh no, that’s not us, proclaimed the party that accused Haitian migrants of EATING THE DAWGS, we would never say or do anything racist.
even Donny felt the need to weirdly assure everyone that Puerto Ricans hug and kiss him every time he shows his sweaty, burnt-cork-smeared face in public.
but not Fox News Found Object Greg Gutfeld. no, Greg didn’t run away from all the racism. he leaned right the fuck into it.
“now people know about Puerto Rico having a huge trash crisis.”
ohhhh, so Tony Hinchliffe wasn’t being a bigoted asshole — he was performing a public service.
we need to hear more about this. Greg, can you explain what Tony meant when he said, “these Latinos, they love making babies too. just know that. they do. they do. there’s no pulling out. they don’t do that. they come inside. just like they did to our country.” was Tony advocating for greater contraception awareness? how progressive of him.
okay, how about when Tony told us about his black friend who carves watermelons on Halloween? is there some pumpkin shortage the public needs to know about?
tuesday: an affair to remember
when Vote Common Good released an ad in which Julia Roberts reminds conservative wives that they don’t have to tell their dipshit husbands that they voted for Kamala, the men of the MAGAsphere completely lost their minds.
this is a fucking outrage, they bellyached. nobody gets to tell our fetus incubators that we don’t control every aspect of their lives.
Jesse Watters shit a massive brick on live television.
“if I found out Emma was going into the voting booth and pulling the lever for Harris, that’s the same thing as having an affair … it violates the sanctity of our marriage.”
those are interesting choices of phrase there, ‘an affair,’ and ‘the sanctity of our marriage’ — because here’s a fun thing about Jesse Watters and his current wife, Emma.
once again, every Republican accusation is actually a confession.
wednesday: we’re watching you
what the fuck happened to Naomi Wolf? she used be a garden-variety ‘wellness’ crank who dabbled in vaccine denial — but lately she’s become a full-bore conspiracy loon.
“I endorsed Pres Donald Trump yesterday. Today all day my phone froze, the cursor on my computer started wandering around the desktop, and my wifi continually disconnected. All coincidentally.”
I have two words for you, Naomi: space lasers.
that’s right, we Jews are at it again — and we’ve refined our space laser tech to the point where we can aim that sucker right into your window.
you can run, but you can’t hide. sure, maybe right now it’s only your handheld devices and wifi that are affected — but we’re just getting started. just wait until we’ll zap your TV so it only gets MSNBC.
don’t fuck with us.
thursday: welcome aboard Gullible Force One
comedian Brent Terhune creates videos of himself pretending to be Donny Convict’s fervent cultists. he’s been doing it for years, and it’s earned him quite the following on social media.
after Donny’s pointless garbage truck stunt, Brent posted a video in which he claimed to be the driver of “Garbage Force One,” the truck Donny rode around in.
it’s pretty fucking hilarious.
“he said ‘how about we take this bad boy through McDonalds’ and I said ‘sir, I don’t think she’ll fit in the drive thru.’ he said ‘it’s alright, I used to work there.’”
Brent’s portrayal of a teary-eyed, star-struck cultist is so over the top that there’s no way anyone would mistake him for one of Donny’s actual worshipers, right?
imagine having your head so far up Dear Leader’s ass that when you hear the phrase “Garbage Force One,” instead of laughing hysterically, you swoon.
after getting mercilessly dogpiled for being so clownfuckishly gullible, Charlie Kirk deleted this tweet — but the internet never forgets.
friday: is Arnold Palmer in the room with us right now?
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
He moved on that mic like a bitch! No, actually, I found it to be a very lackluster blowjob from a tired, feeble man. When my presidents simulate sex, I want it to be with enthusiasm and passion. Not even the horniest teenager would have been satisfied with that performance.
I am shocked. That Jesse Watters is married. To a live woman. Who is presumably willing to be married. To him. Shocked.