this week in stupid: May 4 edition

MAGA morons shit their pants, Jimmy Comer rants and rants, and so much more ...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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monday: new Biden scandal drops

MAGA is fucking furious with avowed hog-romancer Comer Fudd these days, because he’s admitted privately that his 15-month-long attempt to impeach Sleepy Brandon has been an utter rake-stepping failure — so much so that he’s giving up on it.

publicly, though, Jimmy’s been going on the cable shows to punch himself in the dick assure the rabble that don’t worry folks, impeachment isn’t really dead.

“the reason that this is taking so long … is that there’s more evidence that comes in every day.”

yeah, that’s it — there’s too much evidence! slow down, Crimin’ Joe, and give Corn Pone Jimmy a chance to catch up!

all this evidence, bro — is it in the room with us right now?

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tuesday: collagen injections are a terrible thing to waste

Fishlips McGee, Cokey McSniffles Junior’s on-again-off-again girlfriend, has been making the rounds of the wingnut shows to promote some crap children’s book she’s written. the book’s about a puppy, so naturally she’s had to field questions about America’s favorite dog slaughterer, Kristi Noem.

“I just can’t imagine that, because there’s a forever home for all animals. I don’t know what happened. maybe somebody slipped that in and she didn’t see it, I don’t know. but it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.”

holy shit, there’s a ton of fucknuttery to unpack here.

first: there’s “a forever home for all animals”? is Fishlips talking about doggie heaven? is she saying that Cricket’s there now? and how is that even relevant to the question?

second: “maybe somebody slipped that in”? what, the tale of gravel-pit hound homicide that Noem has admitted to and has been literally bragging about for two weeks now, is what, a commie plot to embarrass her?

it bears repeating: logic not MAGA’s strong suit.

why is wingnut media inviting this sideshow oddity to weigh in on the news? they should be asking her about injecting so much plastic into her face that she now looks like some nightmarish inflatable sex toy. that’s something about which she’s an expert.

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wednesday: hello 911, I’d like to report a murder

J.D. Vance is one of these smug pseudo-intellectuals who doesn’t give a shit what comes out of his mouth, as long as it makes for a good soundbite that Hannity can play on his show — which is why it’s so super fucking satisfying to watch him get pantsted by Kaitlan Collins on CNN.

Collins: “so you agree that people who break in and vandalize a building should be prosecuted?”

Vance: “exactly.”

Collins: “ok, I’m just checking because you did help raise money for people who did so on January 6th, which was impeding an official proceeding, breaking into a building they weren’t allowed to be in and vandalizing the Capitol.”

Vance doesn’t answer the question, because there’s no good answer. all he can do whine about why are we still talking about the past. here’s why, J.D.: because you’re a shameless fucking hypocrite who needs to be called out at every opportunity.

absolutely masterful job by Kaitlan Collins. more like this, media.

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thursday: handing it to Handy

noted trouser-snake charmer Handy Oakley showed up at George Washington University to do a little grandstanding on complicated current events she can’t possibly comprehend. all her primitive reptilian brainstem can process is hey, there’s this thing everyone is mad about and I can get my doofy face on TV — and that’s good enough for Handy.

the demonstrators wanted no part of her traveling clown show, and mocked her mercilessly by drowning her out with chants of BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE until she fled — and that, my friends, is the happiest of all possible endings.

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friday: the rise and fall of the Turd Reich

what in the name of clownfuckery is this?

or this?

or this?

MAGA, can we talk?

if your slavish devotion to an 88-count felony factory who shits his own pants has reached the level where you’re wearing adult diapers outside of your clothes, in public, guess what: you’re in a fucking cult.

get help.

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.