this week in stupid: May 25 edition
Donny Junior snorts it, Holy Mike aborts it, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.
sunday: which old witch?
some people go into politics because they see it as a noble calling. others go into politics because it’s a fun way to acquire power and wealth.
and then there’s Hung Cao, Republican candidate for Senate in Virginia. he’s running for Senator because, quite frankly, somebody needs to do something about all these fucking witches.
“there’s a place in Monterey, California called Lovers Point. the original name was Lovers of Christ Point. but now they took out the Christ, it’s become Lovers Point — really, Monterey is a really dark place now, a lot of witchcraft and the wiccan community has really taken over there, and we can’t let that happen in Virginia.”
how can Wytchfinder Cao be so sure that witches are real, and can be found in Monterey? it’s simple: they turned him into a newt.
but don’t worry, folks.
he got better.
monday: kites wish they were this fucking high
holy shit, Individual-1 Junior has done all the coke again.
“that’s the reality. when I’m in New York, the amount of people that show support is actually huge. but they do it like this [gestures] — it’s like a thumbs up hidden under their jacket so that no one else can possibly see it. that’s what it is.”
first of all, slow the fuck down, bro. your heart is going to explode if you don’t start moderating your intake.
second of all, seriously? these “supporters” who hide their thumbs-up under their jackets, are they in the room with us right now?
folks, I just googled “does cocaine psychosis cause hallucinations” and guess what: the answer is a solid yes.
tuesday: this is why we call him the dumbest Trump
Eric Trump doesn’t have much to be happy about these days. you see, he’s drawn the short straw and has to sit in that dingy, freezing courtroom day after day at his daddy’s trial. but at least there’s one bright spot: at the end of each day, Eric and Donny get to bask in the glow of the adoring crowds that hail them as their limo makes its way back to Donny’s ugly gold-plated tower.
“It was a beautiful scene pulling back up to Trump Tower! Such unbelievable love!”
a beautiful scene, indeed! just check out the video from Eric’s tweet:
hey, wait a minute — something’s not right here. if these are Trump fans, where are the MAGA hats? where are the Trump banners? where are the diaper-wearing dipshits who now follow Trump everywhere he goes?
it looks like Eric’s been eating the library paste again, because that video isn’t from Donny’s trial. it’s actually from a Joe Biden visit to NYC on April 26, where he sat for an interview with Howard Stern.
imagine being so needy and fragile that you have to pretend that Joe Biden’s adoring crowds are your own.
sad.
wednesday: ask me no questions
House Speaker Mike Johnson’s done his time as a Lord Buttstench Cosplayer, dutifully donning the shapeless blue suit and the red tie and standing in front of a courthouse microphone to whine about unfair it is for an 88-count narcoleptic fart factory to be held to account for his crimes.
a reporter had a pertinent question for Holy Mike: “you’ve made it very clear of your disdain for the hush money case. what about the underlying alleged conduct, paying off a porn star to keep this extramarital affair quiet. you’re a deeply-religious man, a moral man — does that kind of alleged conduct cause you any concern about the former president?”
Mike Johnson: “I’m not going to comment on that.”
this fucking guy is not going to comment. recall that Holy Mike is a guy so offended by the idea of porn that he and his son have apps on their phone that let them know when the other is looking at sexytime pics, but he has no comment about Dear Leader’s sleazy behavior.
hey, I have an app on my phone, too — one that alerts me every time Holy Mike is a hypocritical bastard — and holy shit, the app started shrieking so loudly that all the dogs in the neighborhood are howling right now.
thursday: who wants to buy my crap
it’s a wise old saying: a Trump supporter and their money are soon parted.
“alright folks, if you are watching this today then I have an offer you are going to love. you are looking at the very limited edition Trump Black Card. listen to this: this sucker is metal, folks. we have limited quantities of this card, if you want to prove that you are a true Trump Republican. if you want to prove that you want to make America great again, if you want to join us in this fight and get your hot little hands on one of these puppies today, the you are watching the right video. come join us, come be on the team, come get your Trump Black Card right here.”
SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY, LARA!
you gotta love the cheesy Home Shopping Network aesthetic here. no word as yet on what one of these useless metal rectangles costs, but be prepared to flush your money down the toilet.
In 2016, the Donald Trump campaign similarly sold black cards for $35. But a Yahoo Finance reporter, Rick Newman, claimed at the time that when he ordered one it didn't arrive.
wait, it was all a Trump Family scam? THIS IS MY SHOCKED FACE.
friday: Donny gets fingered
on Thursday, Donny Fuckface held a hate-rally in The Bronx.
on Friday, the wingnutsphere passed around photos of the event, to prove just how wildy popular Dear Leader is with Bronx residents.
it’s a pretty compelling image — excecpt for the part where there’s a big fucking palm tree in a city where palm trees don’t grow. also, the dude on the right side of the photo seems to have an indeterminate number of fingers and one and a half thumbs.
once again, propagandists have had to resort to badly-rendered AI fakery — because no actual photos exist that show Trump hanging out with ordinary black folk.
hey, while we’re on the subject of Donny’s Bronx hate-rally —
what the fuck does this deteriorating old shitbag imagine he’s doing? in his mind, is he jacking off two horses?
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.
There are only two things that will lift the chains of a Saturday morning hangover off me. One is a tall cold Bloody Mary. The other is Tiedrich.
That AI fuckery—“Dear Leader with the blackest black people you can find”—is pathetic, but the bbq theme suggests to me where I’ve seen that donkey-duck jacking dance. Doesn’t Rumpo the Dancing Clown look exactly like an animated neon sign of a dancing pig outside some really serious bbq restaurant?