this week in Stupid: May 24 edition
MAGA sucks it, Sporky chucks it, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: what exactly are we grasping at here
guys, Tennessee Rep. Tim Burchett has a message just for you.
Fox News fuckface: “Jesse Watters says men should not drink out of straws in public — or at all.”
Rep. Tim Burchett: “I don’t drink out of a straw, brother. that’s what the women in my house do.”
honchos, take it from Tim: don’t be a girlywuss. don’t daintily purse your lips around some little tube — because that’s what the ladies do. everyone knows that real men consume liquids with gusto. toss your head back and fucking guzzle that shit, bro.
seriously, Timmy? is this you?
Tim, is this Jesse Watters?
look, can we finally close the book on this time-wasting toxic male bullshit? so-called ‘real men’ don’t worry about straws. we have more pressing issues on our hands — like, how does The Simpsons get so much shit right?
tuesday: mmm, conspiracies
no, seriously — why has The Simpsons predicted practically everything, from Super Bowl victories to Donny Convict’s presidency?
Pizzagate Princess/QAnon Queen Liz Crokin knows the answer: it’s a deep state plot.
“what the Deep State does, is that they will— they, the Deep State, the members of the cabal, whatever we want to call them, because they’re satanists — this isn’t what I believe, this is what they believe — they believe in truth in plain sight. they believe that they have to announce their plans before they commit them. and, even if it’s just through TV shows, or their art, or music, they believe that’s what they have to do. so if you look at a show like the Simpsons, people are like ‘oh my gosh, how did The Simpsons predict so much stuff,’ it’s like no, actually that’s part of their predictive programming. they are announcing their plans in advance.”
Homer? do you have anything you want to say, now that the whistle has been blown on your Deep State fuckery?
busted!
wednesday: mmm, stupidity
now, let’s listen to the sound of the wind as it whistles through Maria Baritromo’s empty head.
“should we really have wind and solar subsidies in this bill? what if it’s not windy? what if it’s not sunny?”
folks, let’s review: what does the stupid do?
you really have to admire MAGA’s commitment to ignorance. just because Dear Leader doesn’t understand how batteries work, the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex has to go on live TV and beclown themselves by. parroting the stupidest shit imaginable.
how is it not a cult?
thursday: a mobius strip of scamfoolery
all of us should have seen this coming a mile away. you know all those bros who ponied up anywhere from hundreds of thousands to millions of dollars in order to get to hang with Dear Leader at his Big Crypto Corruption Dinner?
they got played. they were promised they would get to hobnob with The Great Dealmaker himself — and they came home with bupkis. none of that shit happened.
here’s how Donny ‘thanked’ them for their six- to seven-figure ‘investment’ into his fake money. look at this plateful of what in the actual fuck. this is the meal the crypto bros got served at Donny’s Virginia golf motel.
“It was the worst food I’ve ever had at a Trump golf course,” Nicholas Pinto, a business influencer who poured around $300,000 into Trump’s coin, told Wired of the entree, a surf-and-turf dish that included halibut and filet mignon. Speaking to Fortune, he criticized the latter as a “Walmart steak.” Pictures of the plates suggested that the dinner was barely up to airline standards.
so sorry to hear that you didn’t enjoy your three-hundred-thousand dollar meatwad, bro. maybe write Dear Leader a strongly-worded letter.
here are two dudes who liked the food, but were totally bummed out when Dear Leader showed up, mumbled a few words into a microphone, and then got the fuck out of there.
NEW: Two attendees of Trump’s crypto VIP reception and dinner last night shared that while the food was good, they were disappointed by the lack of meaningful interaction with the president. They had hoped for more access and perhaps even a Q&A session for the top wallet holders, but instead, the speech was essentially a reiteration of the U.S.’s goal to become the global leader in crypto. “He just gave a few remarks and left,” one said.
so, Donny flimflammed a bunch of crypto assholes out of millions of dollars and gave them nothing in return. that might actually be a public service. I’m conflicted.
friday: AI meets no I
get ready, everyone. Marjorie Three Toes Greene is about to do something stupid.
Marge has gotten herself all worked up into a big hissy — because she was all I’m really awesome, and a computer was all actually, you fucking suck.
on Friday, Congresswoman Sporkfoot took to not-twitter to brag for the umpteenth time about how she was Christianing the shit out of being a Christian.
“I’m a Christian, an imperfect sinner saved by grace and faith in Jesus. I’m a nationalist, a proud American, who loves my country and wants to make our home nation is the best place for all American citizens and future generations to come. I’m a mother, thankful for the blessings and responsibility God gave me with my children.”
yeah, we get it, dimwit. you’re amazing.
in case you’ve quit Elon’s Nazi bar (and good for you if you have!), let’s catch you up. not-twitter has its own AI now, because of course it does. every fucking thing has its own AI now. and some smart-ass asked not-twitter’s AI, Grok, to comment on Sporky’s post.
“Critics, including religious leaders, argue her actions contradict Christian values of love and unity, citing her defense of January 6 and divisive rhetoric.”
because there’s nothing halfwits like doing better than beefing with inanimate objects, Sporky fired back.
“the judgement seat belongs to GOD, not you a non-human AI platform. Grok is left leaning and continues to spread fake news and propaganda.”
Marge, Grok can’t hear you. it’s not real. it’s a bunch of silicon chips.
I have a confession to make. it was us — the Jews. we reprogrammed Grok to call Marge a heretic. we did it with our space lasers, when no one was looking.
stop fucking with us, Marge, and we’ll stop fucking with you.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
726
substack was down for about ten minutes while I was trying to post this. longest ten minutes of my life
LOL! The straw thing! What the hell?? And that surf and turf "dinner" looks like a TV dinner shoveled onto a plate... good that the crypto boys got screwed. HA!
"what if it’s not windy? what if it’s not sunny?” I almost choked! 😂😂
Have a good long weekend to everyone in this awesome community. ✌️