this week in stupid: May 18 edition

Rudy Colludy gets served, Handy Oakley gets unnerved, and so much more ...

May 18, 2024

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

sunday: Donny and Melly, sitting in a tree

one of the great love stories of the twenty-first century has got to be the undying affection that a certain Slovenian trophy wife has for the narcoleptic fart factory that she — based on a cynical calculation made when she married him — truly expected would be dead by now.

it must have been heartbreaking for Melania to be apart from her husband on Mother’s Day, for — due to a scheduling conflict — she had a pressing need to be anywhere else at all.

as we watch Dementia Don wander alone into the Motel-a-Lago dining room on Mother’s Day, let’s raise a glass to the happy couple and take a stroll down memory lane.

inauguration day, 2017.

inaugural party, 2017.

in Israel, 2017.

at the presidential debates, 2020.

at Melania’s mother’s funeral, 2023.

and, finally, just yesterday at Barron’s high school graduation.

oh look — we did find one photo of a smiling Melania posing with her husband.

oh wait — that’s not Melania. oopsies.

monday: what in the gibbering fuck

hey, did you know that Minnesota has a new state flag? me neither.

and did you know that this new flag is an Islamist trojan horse? me neither.

evidently it’s true. in this video, putrefying meat-bag Steve Bannon and chopped foam pillow salesman Mike Lindell lay out what’s happening with what they’re calling an “an Islamist, Sharia supremacist flag.”

holy fuck, that’s a metric ton of batshittery to unpack — so here we go. take a deep breath, everyone, and get ready for an overdose of stupid.

here’s Minnesota’s previous state flag, adopted in 2001.

and here’s Minnesota’s new state flag, adopted a week ago.

so, what makes this new flag an Islamic supremacist Sharia trojan horse? it’s the eight-pointed star. I shit you not.

A symbol of Islam is suddenly appearing on flags all across America.
The traditional five-point American star is being erased and replaced with the eight-point Islamic symbol in what some people believe is a threat to national security and a cultural coup d’etat.
“Because of my background in the military, these are the indicators we are trained to look for,” said Donna Bergstrom, Deputy Chair of the Republican party of Minnesota.

conspiracy loons across the country are melting straight the fuck down.

Toboroff, a writer who ran for New York City Council as a Republican in 2021, continued to refer to the flag as an “Islamic flag,” adding that the state has been “conquered.”
“They decided to raise this Islamic flag,” said Toboroff, an author, activist and podcast host. “They told Marines and [the] deputy chief of the Minnesota GOP that it was to reflect the new immigrants who are Somali Muslim....Minnesota has been conquered. It is now Islamist, and that’s what’s going on.”

sometimes I can feel myself getting stupider as I try to explain all this clownfuckery.

tuesday: introducing the Republicans Are Unserious Buffoons Act

Republicans are hella incensed that Dear Leader is being prevented from attacking the witnesses and jurors at his trial, and Tennessee Rep Andy Ogles has decided to do something about it — he’s introducing the Laws Are Bullshit And Donald Trump Should Get To Do Whatever He Wants Act.

actually it’s called the “Let Trump Speak Act” — because this is all the GOP does now, waste our time on performative nonsense to stroke Donny’s fragile ego.

hey, don’t nobody tell Ogles that Donny’s trial is going to be over in a couple of days — before his idiotic legislation even comes to a vote — and then the gag order will no longer be in effect. don’t tell him his dumb-ass legislation is unconstitutional. don’t tell him anything. let’s just watch him run around and fume and sputter and pout like an idiot.

wednesday: stupidity unmasked

oh my god. the stupid, it burns.

North Carolina could ban face masks for medical reasons in public
The North Carolina state Senate voted along party lines Wednesday to ban anyone from wearing masks in public, even for health reasons.

yup, the wingnuts in North Carolina want to ban anyone from wearing a mask in public. even cancer patients. even people with compromised immune systems.

why is the NC GOP trying to do this? because Republicans are whiny grievance babies who still can’t get over having been made to wear a mask for a whole year during the height of a public health emergency, and so now they’re wreaking their revenge, and fuck anyone who gets sick as a result.

when asked for to comment, the Lone Ranger said “what in the actual fuck?”

thursday: hey guys, wait up

the rotating crew of Lord Buttstench Cosplayers made their usual appearance outside his trial on Thursday. one by one, the red-tied acolytes stood before the microphones and helped Donny violate his gag order by proxy.

and then it was noted trouser-snake charmer Handy Oakley’s turn.

holy shit, Handy — your own colleagues can’t get the fuck away from you fast enough. even your own party thinks you’re a joke.

friday: happy birthday, you stupid shit

Rudy Colludy, American’s Drunkest Mayor, just can’t keep his idiot self out of trouble. he’s been in hiding for a couple of weeks, in order to avoid being served indictment papers for his part in the election fuckery that went on in Arizona in 2020.

Rudy had been doing a decent job of laying low — but then the damned fool got overconfident, and tweeted out photos of himself celebrating his 80th birthday at his condo in Palm Beach.

he also mocked the Arizona authorities for being unable to find him.

the AZ process servers were all thank you very much for letting us know exactly where you are, you gin-soaked dipshit — and crashed the party and handed Rudy the best birthday present ever: brand-spanking-new indictment papers.

see you at your Arizona arraignment, dumbfuck.

saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.