this week in stupid: May 17 edition

Bobby Brainworms swims it, Comer Fudd skims it, and so much more...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

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sunday: worst Aquaman prequel ever

imagine for a moment that you’re Bobby Brainworms Jr.

you’ve had a rich and full life. you’ve chainsawed the head off a whale, strapped it to the roof of your car, and driven around as whale-goop flew hither and yon — because why wouldn’t you? the fucking thing was asking for it.

same with that dead bear cub — it was practically begging to be stuffed into the trunk of your car and then dumped in Central Park. look, if Smokey Jr didn’t want any of that shit to happen to its corpse, then it shouldn’t have died right there where you could find it. it’s that simple. duh.

you’ve done all that crazypants shit and more — so what do you do for an encore?

this:

“Mother’s Day hike in Dumbarton Oaks Park with Amaryllis, Bobby, Kick, and Jackson, and a swim with my grandchildren, Bobcat and Cassius in Rock Creek.”

that sounds awesome, doesn’t it? and it is — except for the part where Bobby took his grandkids for a literal shit-swim.

to go swimming in Rock Creek means walking right past the sign that warns it’s a “combined sewer overflow discharge point.”

here’s a fun true fact:

An estimated 39 million gallons of sewage and stormwater pour into the creek each year.

scientists who study the environment have a technical term for “39 million gallons of sewage.” they call it a fuckload of shit.

folks, please don’t take your grandkids for a shit-swim. even a dead bear cub has more sense than Bobby Brainworms. even a decapitated whale head would be all ‘ugh, get me the fuck out of this infected creek.’

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monday: rig this

when Robert Prevost was selected to be Pope Leo XIV, the worst people in the world power-loaded every single one of their diapers. how, they demanded to know, could the Catholic Church have chosen to be led by someone who believes in the teachings of Jesus?

well, wonder no more. convicted ‘Build the Wall’ scammer Rotting Stevie Three-Shirts knows exactly how this fuckery went down.

“we had a monastery that we actually owned before the government took it away from us, to be kind of a counter to what was going on in the Vatican. we have a broad network of the traditionalists. and Prevost— I’m saying this, the conclave for the pope was more rigged than the 2020 election.”

I’m sorry, what? Rotty Steve had a monastery? what is he yammering about? Steve, is this monastery in the room with us right now? update: apparently yes, Steve did have a monastery.

and what is this nonsense about a rigged conclave? for fuck’s sake, it’s 133 cardinals in a room. how do you rig that? there aren’t any voting machines. it’s paper ballots.

do you crybaby cretins have any idea how whiny you sound? if an election doesn’t go your way, that doesn’t mean there’s any conspiracy. it just means that you’re a loser.

here’s your binky, Steve.

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tuesday: mysterious ways, indeed

self-styled “MAGA prophet” Hank Kunneman has a message for all you whiny libs bellyaching about Dear Leader scoring himself a free jet: shut thy blaspheming mouth.

“I believe it’s just a sign, again, of just God’s favor. and the other thing that I want to say is y’know if this was the previous administration and that would have happened, boy, the liberal media would have been all over it, ‘oh how kind, oh this is so amazing, he’s worked so hard for it,’ but no, because Trump, his name’s attached to it, oh, everybody’s having a freak-out. and I bet this. this is just my philosophy on this, alright, lastly. in the Bible, Jesus said hey, go tell a guy that I need two of his donkeys that have never been ridden before. and I’m sure that some people were upset when they saw the one donkey coming in, ‘my gosh, I can’t believe that Jesus is having a new donkey.’ there’s always someone that has to criticize. and yet, God wants to bless.”

what the fuck?

if I’m parsing Prophet Hank correctly, the reason that reason that Qatar conned Donny into taking a vulgar flying bordello off their hands is that the Almighty Lord Himself wanted it that way? because a gaudy golden jumbo-jet is just like a donkey?

by the way, as a Jewish, I know nothing of this ‘Jesus and two donkeys’ story, so I googled — and I still can’t make heads or tails of it, but I did find this cool pic.

so … thank you for that, Prophet Hank.

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wednesday: buckle up, it’s going to get stupid

it must be fucking exhausting to be a wingnut, because you’re constantly having to gin up the reasons for hating every single new thing comes along.

I’m not even sure what Fox News found object Jesse Watters is whining about here, but see if you can follow along.

“I never even thought the government should have mandated in seat belts cars. that’s what happens. you give ’em one thing, and then they want to put everything in the car. what’s next? what are they going to put an abortion clinic in every car?”

yes, this is exactly what’s going to happen next, because that’s how slippery slopes work. it starts with buckling your seat belt and before you know it, there’s some doctor in the back seat, doling out D&Cs like they were going out of style — and don’t think it stops with abortions. let the libs have their way and eventually you end up on the slipperiest slope of all: Rick Santorum marrying his dog.

you gotta admit, she’s pretty hot.

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thursday: gotcha!

this week, Mad King Donny granted a bunch of white South Africans special US refugee status, all because some shitweasel convinced him that they were victims of a discredited conspiracy theory known as ‘white genocide.’

(gee, do we know of any conspiracy-loving South Africans with access to Donny, who might have filled his ear with this nonsense? hmm.)

now here comes Pizzagate Jack Posobiec, playing the stupidest game of gotcha ever.

“Here’s a fun idea: Ask a liberal if birthright citizenship should apply to white South Africans. And watch what happens next.”

here’s what happens next: nothing.

that’s because birthright citizenship is spelled out right there in the 14th Amendment of the United Fucking States Constitution — and it applies to everyone.

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friday: come again?

the world’s most-tiresome assholes got another chance to completely lose their shit this week when James Fucking Comey instagrammed (and then deleted) a photo of seashells spelling out “86 47.”

but let’s leave the whole ridiculous “what could 86 possibly mean” manufactrovery aside for now, and focus instead on the aromatic mouth-farts of the rake-steppingist fuckwit in Congress — because James Comer Fudd knows exactly what the deal is.

“nothing would surprise me at all if that was intentional and they were trying to jizz up some type of coup.”

Christ on a cupcake, Comer Fudd, the expression is “gin up.” and how many coups do you know of that started with seashells? now stop trying to jizz up controversy and go home. it’s been a long week and we’re all fucking exhausted.

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

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do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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