this week in stupid: May 12 edition

Ted Cruz is a racist boob, Tommy Tuberville is a stupid rube, and so much more ...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

sunday: all black men look alike to Ted Cruz

Texas senator and all-around complete piece of shit Ted Cruz is up for reelection in 2024. and Ted Cruz has a Democratic opponent in the race. his name is Colin Allred.

this is Colin Allred. keep his image fresh in your mind, because there’s going to be a test at the end.

below is a text message that the Cruz campaign sent out last weekend. it features a photograph of a man who for now we’ll call Definitely Not Colin Allred. have a look.

in fact, it’s a photograph of Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg.

now here’s that test I warned you was coming: do Alvin Bragg and Colin Allred look alike? keep in mind that they’re both men with brown skin and roundish faces. so do look carefully one more time and ask yourself: do they look alike?

no. they look nothing alike.

now pretend you’re a racist in Texas pandering to other racists in Texas, and answer the question again.

we thought so.

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monday: Matt Walsh doth protest too much

what is it with conservative men and their masculinity? they’re so fucking worried about it all the time. there is literally no end on the internet to over-amped manly men giving advice to other manly men on how to be the manliest manly man possible.

gosh, it’s almost like they’re overcompensating for something. what do you suppose it might be?

enter podcast host Matt Walsh. Matt is very very very concerned about wokeness in sports. and he’s particularly upset about professional hockey. why? because hockey is the gayest sport ever. how do we know? according to Matt, “you can never be fully manly on ice skates.” now you know.

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tuesday: the stupidest fucking moron in the entire history of the universe can’t keep his stupid fucking mouth shut

when you lose in court, the smart thing to do is say nothing, or maybe make some short statement about how you’re disappointed with the outcome and you’ll be appealing the decision. but for the most part, any smart person will keep their mouth shut and let their lawyers do the talking.

Donald Trump is not a smart person.

Donald Trump is the gift that keep on giving.

after Trump was found liable for defamation and sexual abuse, he had an absolute fucking meltdown on his crappy app.

and over the next 48 hours, he continued to melt the fuck down, including during his CNN quote-unquote “town hall,” so much so that E. Jean Carroll is now considering filing a third defamation suit.

you do you, Donny. you’re a national fucking treasure.

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wednesday: Tommy Tuberville stands up for white nationalism, because reasons

Tommy Tuberville is a football coach who was elected to the Senate by the voters of Alabama. nobody is really sure why. perhaps the good people of Alabama were concerned that the stupidest Republicans were all in the House and that the Senate needed more idiots of their own to balance things out.

nonetheless, to call Tommy Tuberville a stupid fucking idiot would generous.

here’s the T-man defending white nationalism. a notion so profoundly stupid that Tubey’s staffers had to spend the rest of the week walking it back.

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thursday: very stupid bloviators yodeled out of existence by very smart protester

I confess, I don’t know who these congresspeople are. I lifted this video from a tweet by Brian Tyler Cohen.

what I do know is that they’re your typical garden-variety Republicans, yammering on about their precious border wall.

behind them is … well, let’s just say that not all heroes wear capes. some of them yodel into a megaphone. and our hero is unrelenting. the dipshit Republicans are overmatched and eventually give up.

Unknown Yodeling Hero, a weary nation offers its thanks.

I have a question for the commenters: is the woman on the right trying to stifle a laugh?

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friday: ?

hey, it’s only ten o’clock in the morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

have a great weekend, everyone.