this week in stupid: May 10 edition
JD loses it, Nancy refuses it, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: wait, what? when?
Fox News found object Jesse Watters caught up with the Space Nazi this week, and learned what happens when you a talk to a guy who’s high on his own supply.
Elon: “and eventually, all life on Earth will be destroyed by the sun. it’s gradually expanding, we do at some point have to be multi-planetary civilization because Earth will be incinerated.”
Watters: “I’m hearing this for the first time. no one’s ever told me the sun is going to burn—”
it’s hard to tell which of these two is the bigger fucking imbecile.
how is Jesse Watters just hearing this for the first time? the sun is going to destroy the Earth? oh my god, no one wonder Elon’s so hot to colonize Mars and save humanity. we’d best make this a number one priority, no?
yeah, slow down there for a minute, pal. the sun is going to destroy the Earth a billion years from now. so I think we have a little time.
but, more astonishing, how the fuck does the Space Nazi not grasp that when the expanding sun destroys all life on Earth, it’s going to take Mars along with it? how did this guy ever get a reputation for being some kind of super-genius, when everything out of his mouth is the stupidest fucking thing you’ve ever heard?
ketamine, it’s a hell of a drug.
fun true fact: on April 22, 2011, the Space Nazi guaranteed that he would land a person on Mars within ten years. I don’t need to tell you that April 22, 2021 came and went without Forkship One touching down on the Red Planet.
at the rate he’s going, Elon’s going to need every single one of those one billion years to accomplish his goal.
meanwhile, Elon, how about restoring all the money you axed from childhood cancer research? I guarantee that’s a more pressing need than the fucking heat death of the universe.
tuesday: so much winning
United States Vice President Couchfuck McGee is a geopolitical Typhoid Mary. let’s lay out the evidence.
— he was supposed to hand out a football trophy at the White House. he fucking dropped it.
— he then dropped in on Pope Francis, who hours later became Former Pope Francis, pining for the fjords.
— he then visited India. the next thing you know, they’re practically at war with Pakistan.
— he then continued his hot streak by heading to Ohio and murdering the shit out of his brother’s chances to win an election.
let’s see how Cory fared.
oh dear.
losing an election by 71 points, is that bad?
look, JD — go wherever you want to next, but please: stay the fuck away from the new pope, okay?
wednesday: all genders, no brains
Nancy Mace has a fetish. can you guess what it is?
that’s right, Nancy Mace is way too into posing in front of bathroom doors — and nothing makes Nance happier than finding — the horror! — an all gender bathroom, as happened this week during a visit to Austin.
oh my god. break out the smelling salts and help Nancy to the fainting couch — it’s the fucking fall of western civilization.
has this attention-starved busybody never been on an airplane? those are all-gender bathrooms. has Nancy Mace never been inside her own house?
oh, and that sign that Nancy is so horrified by —
that’s the ADA-mandated sign you see outside every handicapped bathroom. they’re literally everywhere and there’s nothing controversial about them. only one person uses them at a time.
Nancy knows this. she’s just being a performative-nonsense asshole and playing to the cheap seats.
find a new hobby, you creepy weirdo.
thursday: what could go wrong
Alexa, show me someone who has no idea how tariffs work.
“tariffs. I think those are huge. if you think about it, Andrew Jackson, when he was the president, it was all tariffs. ok, like, this country was great because of that. and it’s gonna take time. right, guys? it’s gonna take time. but, if you give it a little, y’know, time, you’re gonna start seeing the benefit of tariffs.”
folks, let’s review: what does the stupid do?
that’s right, it fucking burns.
the cultists love Andrew Jackson, because he was the first president to ever pay off the national debt. but he was also a lunatic who mistrusted banks, and his crackpot theories of economics led to the Panic of 1837.
The Panic of 1837 begins when banks in New York suspend specie payments, triggering a seven-year recession and the failure of 40 percent of America’s banks.
a seven-year recession — so yeah, Andrew Jackson, great role model.
I guarantee that Mister Tariffs Are Fucking Awesome, Just Give Them Time has no idea about any of this. all he knows is what he heard on some rando’s youtube channel while he was ‘doing his own research’ — and now he’s decided to create his own videos, and spread the stupid around.
don’t even get me started on Andrew Jackson. he was a fucking racist who loved him some slavery and genocided the shit out of Native Americans.
but of course for the cultists, that’s a feature, not a bug.
friday: please don’t feed the leopards
here’s the heartwarming tale of a fine fellow who fucked around.
“I’m voting for Donald Trump for the economy. And to own the libs.”
good for you, Austin. bless your heart.
folks, you’ll never guess what happened next.
“Well there went my shoe business. I don’t understand why the tariffs have to eliminate the de minimis exemption. Why does government punish small businesses in this country knowing full well that Nike and all the big brands will be fine paying the taxes but Steffi and I get wiped out?”
uh oh. looks like it wasn’t just the libs who got owned. but let’s answer Austin’s question.
bro, do you really want to know why ‘the government’ is punishing small businesses? because Dear Leader doesn’t give a fuck about you, that’s why. I’m sorry you had to find this out the hard way..
no, wait. I’m not sorry. this dipshit voted for Donny because he wanted Dear Leader to inflict pain — just not on him.
somehow, in this guy’s mind, Donny’s tariffs were only supposed to hurt drag queens reading books to schoolchildren, and migrants picking fruit in California. the Angel of Economic Retribution was supposed to pass over the houses of the MAGA patriots. isn’t that how it works?
no, that’s not how it works. fuck around, find out — that’s how it works.
and now, let’s play ourselves out of here with one of our favorite tunes.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
712
1. Mace obviously wasn’t toilet trained properly as a child hence her obsession with bathrooms.
2. There’s no business like shoe business like no more business for Austin.
Great stupid wrap-up Jeff…from Elon to Couchboy to No-Clue Mace to the maggots who still support shit they don’t know the meaning, background or history of……Happy Saturday to the rest of us!