this week in stupid: March 8 edition
Enola goes gay, measles — hooray!, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: a disease by any other name
right now, West Texas is struggling to contain the nation’s worst outbreak of measles in decades. let’s check in on state officials and see how they’re handling the situation.
While Texas grapples with its worst measles outbreak in decades, its Republican lieutenant governor, Dan Patrick, has moved for the state’s restaurants and groceries to change the name of the “New York strip” steak cut to the “Texas strip” in what he evidently hopes is a blow to liberals.
way to focus on what’s important, Danny-boy. yeah, that’ll work. that’ll really show measles who’s boss around here.
fuck you, infectious disease, I’m eating a Texas Strip Steak. yee-haw! yeeeeeee-haw!
while we’re at it, why don’t we rename measles to Texas Freedom Blisters?
tuesday: thou shalt not pain thy neighbor’s ass
self-proclaimed ‘prophet’ Brian Gibson has a message for all you namby-pamby Christians whining about how God’s Own Avatar On Earth, Donny Convict, is actually kind of shit at presidenting: “stop being such a pain in the ass.”
“we need to wake up and realize what a win we just had. because we could be living in a communist totalitarian hell. I mean, right now. and so God gave us great deliverance, right? he brought us out of the land of Egypt. we just need to thank God. be positive. we need to stay on our game. it’s not the time for infighting. it’s not the time for murmuring and complaining … to the murmurers and complainers out there, stop being a pain in everybody’s rear end.”
I’ve got news for you ungrateful bastards: God can hear you murmuring. he’s got really good hearing. ungodly good hearing, as contradictory as that may sound. so shut the fuck up, because God has had it up to here with your bullshit.
infidels, can we talk? God hates pains in the asses. case in point: Lot’s wife. always with the bitching and the moaning. why do we have to leave Sodom? I think I left the oven on. just let me take one look back—
boom! God pillar-of-salted the shit out of that chatterbox — and he did it because he knew what was coming next: her favorite complaint. I’m in the fucking Bible, why don’t I even get a name?
cautionary tale, bro. now get back to endlessly praising Dear Leader.
wednesday: when do white people get to shut up?
every time some marginalized group gets its own holiday, out come the wingnuts with the same tired old whine.
“why do black people get Kwanzaa? when do white people get their own day?”
dude, shut the fuck up. white people get their own Rest of the Year — that’s why you don’t get your own day. you’ve already got 364 of them.
here comes roasted ball-sack aficionado Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson. he’s upping the ante. Tuckums wants to know — no, he fucking well demands to know — why white people don’t get their own country.
“every other group in the world has the right to its own homeland except white people.”
ugh, not this vile, racist hate-mongering again. ‘when do white people get their own country?’ look, you don’t need one, you already have your own Every Other Place On The Planet. Tuckarino, if you really want a homeland, go the fuck back to Europe. it’s where you came from. you’re on Native American soil right now. when do they get a homeland?
thursday: the flight of the Enola Homosexual
gather ’round, children, Uncle Jeff is going to read you the story of Enola, the Very Gay Airplane. it goes like this:
once upon a time, there was this ahem alleged sexual-assaulting christofascist named Piss-Drunk Pete.
Pete was the Big Boss of the United States military. now, Pete loved the military and he loved men — but not all men. Pete only loved the manliest of men. he hated any man who wasn’t among the manliest of manly men.
now, Pete was very afraid that if his manly army of the very manliest manly men accidentally caught a glimpse of the wrong sort of word — for instance, a word like gay — they might go a little funny in the head, and get bad ideas. and so Pete directed his military to remove all the wrong sorts of words from their files.
and that’s how the US military ended up removing photos of the Enola Gay — the plane that dropped the first atomic bomb on Japan — from its archives.
look, you imbeciles: the Enola Gay wasn’t called that because it was a boy plane that was really into other boy planes. the plane was named after Enola Gay Tibbets — the mother of Col. Paul Tibbets, its pilot.
I suppose if dear old Enola wanted a plane named after her, she should have had the decency to be named Enola Incredibly Straight Tibbets.
friday: the stupid, it’s infectious
oh my god, she’s so fucking dumb.
“Watch entire video. They used to have measles parties, basically get all the kids together so they all catch it and develop immunity. Then when I was a kid, they did the same thing with chicken pox. Now, they demonize parents who refuse to vaccinate their kids.”
parents, don’t do this.
yes, we used to do measles parties. we used to do a lot of stupid shit before we had science.
measles parties were a last-ditch, desperate effort to basically just get the disease over with, by infecting all the kids in the neighborhood at once. parents did this because — and I cannot put too fine a point on this — THERE WAS NO FUCKING VACCINE FOR MEASLES.
but it was also a complete roll of the dice — because while some kids got immunity, other kids got dead.
do you really want to take a chance on your kid playing Texas Freedom Blisters Roulette?
parents — again, seriously: don’t do this.
if you don’t want to listen to me, here’s an actual medical professional:
“Let me discourage you from doing that,” Dr. Cook said. “Will it afford you immunity if you live through the measles? Most people will but… we don’t get to pick and choose who’s gonna do well and not do well when you become severely ill.”
see? even Texas doctors know that Texas Freedom Blister parties are dumb as shit.
by the way, I’ll be introducing legislation this week to officially rename Marjorie Taylor Greene to Georgia Freedom Moron.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
I had measles, mumps and chicken pox — all before there were vaccines for them — but I don't remember anyone in my neighborhood ever holding parties. do you?
I can't believe there was a biplane joke there the whole time and I never saw it