this week in stupid: March 7 edition
Donny stays on topic, Marco gets myopic, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: I’m sorry, run by wut now?
this week, Secretary of State Liddle Marco laid out in no uncertain terms why it was necessary for America to bomb the living fuck out of Iran.
“listen, let me explain to you guys this in simple English, okay? Iran is run by lunatics, religious fanatic lunatics.”
whoa, slow down there a minute, pardner. we’re going to need some clarification here. what does it look like exactly, when a country is run by ‘religious fanatic lunatics’?
is it when the country’s leader surrounds himself with evangelicals who fill his ears with fever-swamp fairy tale nonsense about he’s been chosen by God?
is it when your country’s military commanders say terrifying shit like ‘President Trump has been anointed by Jesus to light the signal fire in Iran to cause Armageddon and mark his return to Earth’?
is it when your country’s government includes a god-bothering dipshit ‘White House Faith Leader’ who imagines that she can speak in tongues?
and, lastly, is it when Dear Leader’s crazed cultists enter a church and— dear me, I’m not even sure how to describe what’s going on in this nightmare fuel video.
no, wait I just did describe it. it’s nightmare fuel.
just asking questions, Marco — because it looks to me like America right now is being run by ‘religious fanatic lunatics.’
go clean up your own mess, bro, before you wander out of your playpen.
tuesday: does Four Seasons Total Landscaping have a ‘sore loser’ prize? asking for a friend
Texas held their primaries on Tuesday, and professional election-loser Valentina Gomez was right there in TX’s 34th District to do what she does best: lose bigly to the Republican incumbent she was running against, and then show up at Elon’s Nazi Bar and Child Porn Emporium to bitch and moan about it.
Texas get ready for:
-Public prayer,
-sharia schools & cities
-Our Soldiers getting sacrificed
-& More terrorist attacks
oh, please get over yourself, Valentina. it’s a primary election — in the middle of Texas.
after getting fucking crushed with only 5.6% of the vote, Gomez reacted in the most Republican way possible: by whining about how the election was rigged.
but hang on, wait a minute — you absolutely must check out what’s going on in the videos in that tweet. what in the actual fuck?
here’s how beloved Valentina is in Texas: her own party has banned her from their events.
this, by the way, is not our first run-in with Ms. Gomez. a couple of years ago, when was — I shit you not — a Republican candidate for Missouri Secretary of State (aim high, Valentina!), she released this heartfelt Juneteenth message in which she told America’s black people to get the fuck out.
“these ungrateful people should be celebrating because born in the greatest nation to ever exist. here’s a tip: if you don’t like America, kindly get the fuck out.”
Valentina ends her message with a photo of her holding an assault weapon, because of course she does. she really does seem nice.
wednesday: two-four-six-eight, who do we appreciate? Jesus!
hey, could we get Marco Rubio back in here a minute to explain exactly what the fuck this is?
“me chilling not worried about wars because the Bible already told us it would happen and it means Jesus is arriving soon.”
is this woman … cheerleading for Armageddon? well, okay, then. how nice for you.
thursday: pump up the patriotism
Fox News’ Dagen McDowell has a message for MAGAs who are worried about spiking gas prices: shut the fuck up and stop whining.
“I just think about every time this happens, people start, ‘THE GAS PRICES!’ … so let’s pull our trousers up, shall we?”
wait, pull our trousers up? you mean like this?
are you fucking kidding me? this is Fox News’ official messaging, that we all need to zip our lips about the price of gas, and accept it?
I’m so old, I remember how all these fucksnoots shit their diapers when gas prices increased due to post-pandemic demand. remember how they said it was all Sleepy Brandon’s fault, for being icky and old and smelly?
but when Dear Leader decides to start an unnecessary and illegal don’t-call-it-a-war, right in the very place where 20% of the world’s oil travels, all of a sudden it’s our patriotic duty to pull out our wallets and pay through the nose.
hey Dagen — this one’s for you:
friday: the further adventures of some fucking idiot
some fucking idiot began his Friday by demanding the UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER of Iran. Congressional Republicans have been assuring us repeatedly that we are not at war with Iran, so I’m not sure what Iran is supposed to be UNCONDITIONALLY SURRENDERING from. but, like, whatever.
the fucking idiot followed that up by posting renderings of his beloved Epstein Dance Hall.
now, I realize that this next bit is fucking-idiot-adjacent, but why is the Secretary of the Treasury privy to war plans, and why is he blabbing about them on Fox News?
now back to the fucking idiot. his main even for the day was a ‘Saving College Sports Roundtable’ (from what?) — because I guess that’s what you focus on when you’re in the middle of a war (and also a fucking idiot). anyway, the fucking idiot dropped a stunning bit of news on us.
“a lot of our people were walking around without legs.”
huge, if true.
the fucking idiot then demonstrated his fluency with military terminology.
“bombs planted in roads. we call them roadside bombs.”
whatever you say, Cadet Bone Spurs.
the fucking idiot then fell asleep, right in the middle of his own event.
after the narcoleptic fart factory woke up from his impromptu nap, he threw a shit fit because Fox News’ Peter Doocy attempted to commit a journalism and ask about the don’t-call-it-a-war.
seriously, what the fuck, Peter? why are you pestering the fucking idiot about some report that says Russia is helping Iraq target and attack Americans? this is a college sports roundtable! priorities, dude!
the fucking idiot then got Big Mad at another reporter who had the temerity to ask about ICE Barbie and Marky Many Names.
the fucking idiot then got up and wandered away.
then, as the world burned all around him, the fucking idiot headed to Motel-a-Lago for a long weekend of cheating at golf.
and despite all that dumbfuckery going on right in front of their noses, not one reporter stood up to ask ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’
how fucking idiotic is that?
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
me, I prefer funny weeks to angry weeks, but one has no choice but to play the hand one is dealt
When decent people fuck up, they try to do what they can to unfuck it. Trump's strategy is to distract from a fuck up by committing another fuck up, followed be another fuck up to distract from the new fuck up, etc, etc.
That's pretty fucked up.