this week in stupid: March 29 edition

Paula White sells it, Usha Vance repels it, and so much more...

Mar 29, 2025

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: make America gullible again

my friends, I can tell you right now that there’s something missing from your life. something good. something essential. can you guess what it might be?

seven supernatural blessings, that’s what.

not one. not two. count ’em — seven.

let’s let the White House’s self-styled “spiritual advisor” Paula White explain.

“and I believe that when you honor God on Passover, starting on April 12th at sundown, through Good Friday on the 18th and concluding on Easter Sunday, you can receive these seven supernatural blessings, for you and your house, according to Exodus 23. God will assign an angel to you. he’ll be an enemy to your enemies. he’ll give you prosperity. he’ll take sickness away from you. he will give you long life. he’ll bring increase in inheritance. and he’ll give a special year of blessing.”

check it out: you get your own personal angel to wash your car and mow the lawn. and God will smite the shit out of that asshole next door who plays his music too loud. blessings don’t get more supernatural than that, am I right? cool fucking deal, innit?

Paula White will absolutely hook you up with this ethereal goody bag — but listen, pal: a smorgasbord of hallowed hosannas like this doesn’t grow on trees. you’re going to have to lay out some scratch — y’know, to make it worth Paula’s while.

one hand washes the other, bro. and this holy handwashing of Paula’s is going to set you back a thousand bucks.

yes, I know — that’s a fuckload of shekels. but look, Paula’s willing to sweeten the deal. act now and she’ll throw in this Waterford Crystal Cross.

come on! seven supernatural blessings and a big-ass glass cross. everyone who sees it will know that ~~you’re a gullible fucking moron who throws money away on worthless crap~~ you’re the most righteous member of your community.

how can you pass this up?

tuesday: make America cruel again

now let’s head down to America’s dangly bit and see what they’ve been up to.

Florida has been working for years to crack down on employers that hire undocumented immigrants. But that presented a problem for businesses in the state that are desperate for workers to fill low-wage and often undesirable jobs.
Florida’s Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis and the state legislature have a potential solution: children.

replacing skilled migrant labor with a bunch of children — now that’s some outside-the-brain thinking right there.

oh, and did you know this proposed law would allow employers to put Florida’s precious darlings to work on overnight shifts without a break — even on school nights?

after all, if it was good enough for Oklahomans in 1916, it’s good enough for Floridians in 2025, am I right?

fucking ghouls.

wednesday: make America sick again

hey, remember when frozen fish stick heir Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson mattered? remember how Old Tucks could do a show on how awesome it was to microwave your balls, and it became part of the national discourse for weeks?

Tuckums remembers, too — ever since he was shitcanned by Fox and reduced to livestreaming in obscurity on Elon’s Nazi Bar, he’s been desperate to recapture that old magic.

problem is, the only way to cut through the noise of the other ten thousand bros-with-livestreams is to spew ever-more-outlandish dipshittery — and so that’s how we get this.

“I don’t wanna fly on a plane with vaccinated pilots because I think it’s too dangerous.”

seriously? how are you making this determination, Tucks? because if there’s one thing pilots absolutely fucking love, it’s being pestered by jackasses about their vaccination status.

“hi, may I speak to the pilot?”
“excuse me?”
“I need to know if he’s vaccinated.”
“sir, please find your seat.”
“no, I need to speak to the pilot.”
“sir, please don’t make us call security.”

here’s a fun fact: in 2022, a bunch of conspiracy cranks sent a definitely-not-insane letter to the FAA demanding that vaccinated pilots be grounded, because reasons.

The letter argues that adverse events from vaccination would cause “a pilot (to lose) control of his aircraft” and lead to “untold devastation.” The letter offers no solid data to support its claims.

you’ll never guess who was among the brainiacs who signed the letter.

The letter was signed by seven people including Cole, cardiologist Dr. Peter McCullough, and Robert Kennedy Jr.

we’re being governed by reckless nitwits.

thursday: make America aerated again

according to the White House, the only thing JD Vance loves more than fucking furniture is spewin’ leaden death.

“Just the Vice President of the United States sending some freedom seeds downrange. Doesn’t get more American than that.”

did you notice the language they used? ‘sending some freedom seeds downrange.’

who talks like that? the water-the-tree-of-liberty crowd, that’s who.

so, here we have the White House using coded language to send a secret message to armed extremists. what could go wrong?

even the Nazis never thought to call their bullets freiheitssamen — though they did have that arbeit macht frei (work will make you free) sign on their concentration camps, which is pretty fucked up in its own right. hey, maybe Kristi Noem can use that slogan next time she has the hankering to do more military-fetish cosplay at that Salvadoran slave-labor prison.

friday: make America hated again

it’s been quite a fucktacular week for the let’s invade Greenland crowd.

first, some numbnuts got the brilliant idea that veepwife Usha would be the perfect person to go on a charm offensive, and woo Greenlanders into willingly forking over their homeland.

it worked out about as well as you might have expected.

in fact, the only thing Usha managed to accomplish was to make the Make America Go Away hat a viral sensation in Greenland.

so Team Usha hastily regrouped. the planned three-day visit was cut down to one day. instead of going out and meeting Greenlanders, Usha would only visit the U.S. military base at Nuuk. and, oh! I left out the best part: they sent her repellent husband Couchfuck McGee along to accompany her — a totally pointless waste of everybody’s time that culminated in this crowning moment of stupid.

“it’s cold as shit here. why didn’t anyone tell me?”

of course it’s cold as shit. you’re up in the Arctic Circle, dumb-ass. eighty percent of Greenland is covered in ice. Erik the Red named it Greenland to trick people into settling there.

how is this a surprise to you?

I’ve got some advice for you, my couch-conjugating dude: spend less time sending the freedom seeds downrange, and more time studying your briefing books.

saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!

here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.