this week in stupid: March 23 edition
Jeanine debates it, Kimberly inflates it, and so much more ...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.
sunday: new Biden scandal drops
the “Sleepy Brandon is decrepit” beat has become a super fucking lonely one.
after Biden’s fiery State of the Union speech — followed by Robert Hur’s self-immolation on live TV — most news outlets finally dropped their obsession with Joe Biden’s age and moved on to the next shiny object.
but not Fox News.
nope, America’s Bullshit Generator is still out here, trying to make Joe Biden Is Olllld happen. check out their latest bombshell: Joe Biden wears shoes.
President Biden’s mysterious new shoes provide ‘maximum stability’: report
Biden’s new shoes are designed for comfort while walking, hiking
President Biden’s newest shoes have opened up renewed debate about his health and physical condition, with some speculating they were designed to prevent the president from falling.
“Biden’s handlers are forcing him to wear a new pair of ‘lifestyle sneakers’ because he trips so much,” reads a tweet from RNC Research on Saturday, referring to Biden’s new shoes.
oh. my. god. shoeghazi! IMPEACH! IMPEACH!
and Fox has the photos to prove it.
no word on whether or not Sleepy Brandon needs to hold a general’s hand as he gingerly picks his way down a gentle ramp.
monday: instant karma
folks, this is a public service announcement. if you ever get a hankering to document just how awesome your quick-draw is, I have one word for you:
don’t.
guns and cameras are a combination that never ends well. let’s let Mr. Meal Team Six here explain why:
“I just fucking shot myself.”
thoughts and prayers, bro. thoughts and prayers.
tuesday: immigrants, is there anything they can’t ruin
failed judge and wine-soaked bobblehead Jeanine Pirro is hella mad.
Jeanine’s in a lather because that mean old biddy Letitia James is about to take away all of Little Donny Fuckface’s toys, and it isn’t fair! but she’s also pissed all the way off at the banks that are refusing to bail out Trump. check out this batshit rant:
“…more than 454 million dollars, it’s 120 percent of that. that is almost a half a billion dollars in cash. give me a break. and I’ll tell you why they don’t want to take a risk and give him that money. the reason they don’t want to take risk and do that, is because they… this… this market, this real estate market in New York is very very vulnerable. nobody knows what the valuations are worth any more, New York is now a crime-ridden city, there is crime all over, immigrants all over, they’re about to go bankrupt because of all the immigrants in the hotels and all the areas in New York City.”
holy shit, I’m not even sure that paragraph could pass a breathalyzer test.
but you gotta love Judge Box Wine’s reasoning here: if only we could get those fucking immigrants out of the hotels, all of Trump’s problems would be over.
go home, Jeanine. sleep it off.
wednesday: brave Sir Kyle ran away
Kyle Rittenhouse is famous for one thing: getting away with it.
crybaby Kyle, you’ll recall, asked his mommy to drive him across state lines so he could commit premeditated self-defense — and for this, the wingnuts have turned him into a fucked-up folk hero. he gets invited to Congress. he goes on TV. he got a book deal. and now he’s speaking at colleges.
well, the good students of the University of Memphis took one look at the atrocity happening on their campus and said not on our watch, shithead.
they relentlessly shouted him down until he ran from the stage.
good fucking riddance.
more like this, please.
thursday: arsonist holds hearing on fire safety
half-dressed embarrassment Jim Jordan definitely doesn’t want you to google “Ohio State wrestling scandal” — so let’s do exactly that.
Rep. Jim Jordan 'turned a blind eye' to sex abuse allegations, says former OSU wrestler amid House speaker battle
The congressman is facing renewed scrutiny over the scandal.
oh dear. Shouty Jim sure has an ugly fucking skeleton in his closet, doesn’t he?
that’s right, when the wrestlers he was coaching complained to Jim that they were being sexually assaulted in the locker room by one of his fellow coaches, Jordan didn’t do shit about it.
he looked the other way.
which is why it’s mind-bogglingly infuriating that this shameless turd actually had the temerity to hold hearings this week on … wait for it:
locker room safety.
the irony was not lost on Eric Swalwell.
“I guess it’s a good thing that some folks on the other side are interested in what happens in a locker room. we’re not going to look the other way.”
thursday runner up: I just couldn’t not use this clip of Cokey McSniffle’s inflatable girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle, speaking at an official congressional fundraising event.
what in the actual fuck.
friday: new evidence has come to light, man
hey, it’s chopped foam pillow mogul and batshit conspiracy loon Mike Lindell! how’s it going, Mike?
pretty good.
you’re getting to be a regular here on This Week In Stupid.
it’s an honor to be recognized for my work.
so it looks like you’re on Steve Bannon’s show, and you’re still talking shit about Dominion, the company that’s suing you for defamation.
I have new evidence! I have new evidence!
Mike, haven’t your lawyers advised you to shut the fuck up?
oh, my lawyers quit months ago, because I’m a raving lunatic who can’t be controlled, and also because I wasn’t paying them.
but didn’t you see what happened to Trump? he ended up being sued for defamation twice — and he lost both times — because he couldn’t keep his reckless mouth shut. is that what you’re going for here?
but I have new evidence! and when I show it to Fox News, they’re going to make Dominion give their money back!
whatever. one last question for you, Mike.
fire away.
it is true that the stench wafting off of Steve Bannon is so powerful, you can smell it though a zoom call?
oh my god. his body odor could knock a buzzard off a shitwagon.
thanks, Mike. we’ll check in with you next week.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.
"Meal Team Six?" 😂😂😂😂 I'm set for the weekend now! And Kim was dressed for her strip club greeter job, not for an official fundraising event. (slut) Does Kyle Rittenhouse need a support dog? Why was there a dog with him on stage? 🤔 Isnt Eric Swalwell amazing? As are you Jeff! We have lots to look forward to next week, so rest up! ✌️💙
A rich load of Republican idiocy, bullshit and public corruption playing out right before everyone's eyes. Jeannine and Kimberly, difficult to look at people who no longer look like real human beings. Jeannine should disclaim every show with "I took this stinking job so I could have enough plastic surgery I look like an old raggedy lifted up hag." And Kimberly, that's such a weird look for women. Does your little cokehead boyfriend who's never going to marry you get turned on by that? And the ever-idiot Jordan. Well, I guess we're going to have to find something, anything, since all your impeach Biden witnesses are either outed or now in prison or fessing up and telling all, thank you Parnas. Boy is he ever dumping ugly fact after ugly fact. And yet, Trump is still polling in dangerous territory and James Carville isn't making that more comfortable. This was a fun, fun Saturday piece. I'm going to laugh and cry intermittently for the next couple of hours. And THANK YOU FOR THE TRUMP CRAWL WITH HELP DOWN THAT RAMP. But, oh, the shoes, the shoes. By the way, comfortable shoes are one of the best things on the planet and they're everywhere right now and it's not just us old folks loading up on them.