this week in stupid: March 16 edition
Donny Demento misspells it, Mike Lindell dispels it, and so much more ...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.
sunday: the scourge of America’s ‘too much lawncare’ crisis
conservatives love to bitch and moan about how swarthy migrants are ruining America, but rarely are these bellyaching yutzes asked: how is this so-called immigration crisis affecting you personally?
so let’s go ahead and actually pop that question.
“how have you been affected by the migrant crisis?”
“a couple times a week we have trucks coming through our neighborhood, and they ring the doorbell … and then you see the pickup truck with like eight people — eight men — in it.”
“what are they soliciting?”
“I don’t know, sometimes they have a lawnmower. sometimes they don’t. they want to work.”
“how does this make you feel?”
“like I’m being invaded.”
wait, what? they want to work — and this is what Little Ms. Gated Community here is so fucking agitated about?
put down the gin and tonic, Muffy, and think for just five seconds about how petty you sound.
these dudes are not criming. they’re not looking for free shit. all they want to do is mow your fucking lawn and earn a living and maybe make better lives for themselves and their families.
it’s called the American Dream, asshole. thanks for shitting all over it.
monday: what in the actual fuck
the Kansas Republican Party held a fundraiser featuring the dulcet tones of pants-shitting draft dodger Ted Nugent — but the Nuge wasn’t the main attraction. no, this was the main deal: attendees got to punch and kick an effigy of Joe Biden.
keep in mind that this wasn’t some weirdo fringe gathering — this was an official state party event, where political violence was encouraged and joked about.
imagine for a moment that the shoe was on the other foot. imagine what would happen if Kansas Democratic Party offered people the chance to kick the shit out of a Trump effigy.
the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex would throw a shit-fit. Hannity would melt straight the fuck down on live TV. Fox News would pre-empt all other programming and turn it into a month-long scandal. the New York Times would fill its editorial pages for days on end, churning out one tut-tutting op-ed after another about the shocking lack of Democratic decorum.
did the Kansas Republican hate-fest make even the slightest ripple in the news? no ma’am, it did fucking not.
tuesday: say her name, whatever it is
move over, Ashii Babbitt, America’s top shitheads have a new martyr.
Laken Riley’s tragic death is being exploited by the worst people in the world — because Laken was murdered by an undocumented migrant — and that’s all the proof the worst people in the world need to tar every immigrant as a threat to society.
and no one is better at exploiting tragedy for personal gain than Little Donny Fuckface. nowadays, he never shuts the fuck up about Laken. she’s become a regular part of his stump speech.
but because Donny is a demented dumb-ass who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself, he can’t be bothered to get her name right. look at him in the photo above, grinning like an idiot as he poses with an autographed photo of Laken. except … wait a minute …
yup, there it is: Donny Diaperstain spelled it “Lakan.”
par for the course for the guy who keeps fucking up his own wife’s name.
wednesday: three toes, two brain cells, one fucking moron
on Tuesday, clown college flunk-out Marjorie Three Toes Greene announced she’d be holding a hearing into one of America’s most-pressing problems: the scourge of black market baby organ harvesting — which is definitely a thing that isn’t happening anywhere, ever.
bear in mind that Congresswoman Sporkfoot sits on zero committees and lacks the power to convene a hearing. she’s probably renting a hotel ballroom for an afternoon and pretending it’s an official government proceeding.
but you know what? if she’s busy doing this, at least she’s off the streets and not harassing school shooting survivors or planting pipe bombs.
this is actually the perfect pasttime for Sporkbrain. it’s totally harmless and keeps her busy. let’s have her look into all the urban legends. let her hold “hearings” into the vanishing hitch-hiker. let her get to the bottom of baby tarantulas exploding out of cactii. the American people demand answers, and Marge is just the moron to provide them.
and by the way: Marge can’t get Laken Riley’s name right, either. listen to her yammering away about Lincoln Riley.
what a fucking dope.
thursday: QAnon dipshit meant to do that
ever notice how QAnon doofuses are always predicting the imminent arrests of Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Dr. Fauci and whoever else is the flavor of the week? and then when the arrests never happen, the conspiracy loons just move on to a new set of imminent arrestees?
there’s a reason for that, you see: the loons are playing ten-dimensional chess.
“any time you see Q in the post, threatening the arrest of anyone, as a prediction in time — ‘so-and-so’s going to be arrested this month,’ or whatever — that post is intentionally disinformation.”
got that? boo-yah, smoothbrain, you’ve been QAnoned! we’re faking you out on purpose — and you fell for it! who’s the dipshit now?
yeah, except for the part when no rational person takes any of your bullshit seriously, and the only people you’re fooling with your “intentional disinformation” are your own brain-dead followers.
so, uh, mission accomplished, I guess.
friday: Jesus take the wheel
hey, it’s election-truther fucknut and chopped-foam-pillow mogul Mike Lindell. what’cha up to, Mike?
nothing much. just talking to my fans, and thanking them for sticking with me through tough times.
can we ask you a question, Mike?
sure, go ahead.
you’re driving a car on a public street. you’re completely distracted. you haven’t once looked out the windshield. half the time, your hands aren’t even on the steering wheel.
so?
so how have you not plowed straight the fuck into oncoming traffic?
the good lord, my man. the good lord looks out for crazypants lunatics.
fair enough, Mike. fair enough.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.
The lawnmower lady’s whole day was ruined? Wow that’s some powerful mojo. I have a no soliciting sign too. Doesn’t stop the god botherers from trying to save my soul. I tell them they’re wasting their time, the end. It does, however, get me to thinking about a pentagram for my door for about 10 minutes
Let’s gather some photos of young women raped and killed by white guys. Then we can talk about crimes against women with this opening question: As a woman would I rather be raped and killed by a migrant or by a white dude with truck balls and guns in his pickup? Oh, definitely by the white dude?! Kinda speechless about the exploitation of the death of this woman. And it makes me sick that he’s written his name on her photo, sorta like pissing all over the fact of her.