this week in stupid: June 15 edition
Rudy roasts it, Lindsey toasts it, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.
sunday: the Republican war on reality
noted military historian and untethered-from-reality Senator from South Carolina, Lindsey Olin Graham, wants you to understand one thing about D-Day.
“we celebrated the 80th Anniversary of D-Day. it was a failure.”
huh? what is Lindz talking about? D-Day was a failure is an opinion shared by exactly zero military experts.
why is Lindsey making this ludicrous claim? because Joe Biden, that’s why.
this is the state of modern day Republicanism. their brains are broken. whatever Joe Biden does is automatically baaaaaad. Joe Biden went to France to celebrate D-Day. he hugged veterans, made speeches, visited cemeteries — and so the Republicans have to respond with yeah well fuck you, Joe, D-Day was a failure.
I would love for Joe Biden to speak publicly about the need for proper vision care, so we could all sit back and watch every Republican gouge their own eyes out.
monday: if you don’t see tit, you must acquit
Minnesota Republican congressional candidate Royce White visited a strip club. so what if he did? there’s nothing unusual or wrong about that.
what is unusual — and definitely wrong — is that White used campaign funds to pay for his big night out. White insists that no finance rules were broken, because he only bought food.
“they didn’t say that I spent the funds on strippers.”
but homeslice — what the fuck else were you doing at a strip club?
“well, they sell food at a strip club.”
ohhhhhhhhh.
here are the parts that White is leaving out of his explanation: the visit to the strip club came a week after he lost his election, he spent twelve hundred dollars there, and the strip club is in Miami — eighteen hundred miles away from his home state of Minnesota.
but you do have to admire that White actually put the trip in his campaign finance filing. there’s a certain convicted felon who, if he had properly reported his hush money payments to Stormy Daniels, would right now not be a convicted felon.
see? even stupid Republicans are smarter than Little Donny Fuckface.
tuesday: wake up and smell the failure
Rudy Giuliani needs money — fast.
disbarred, fired from his radio-host gig, and on the wrong end of a skillionty dollar defamation judgement, Rudy’s desperate for any bit of income that will keep him from having to do his podcast from a cardboard box under a bridge abutment.
last month, to great fanfare, Rudy announced that he now was in the coffee business, selling Rudy Coffee from coast to coast, with flavors such as Hair Dye Decaf and Mocha Covid Fart.
ok, I might be making that last part up.
anyway, Rudy wasn’t actually in the coffee business — he was just slapping his name on someone else’s brew and taking a percentage. but that’s all over now, because Rudy’s new business partners are bankrupt — because everything Rudy touches dies.
time to start checking out those bridge abutments, Rudy. I’m sure you’ll find a good one.
it’s like that old radio jingle, “the best part of waking up, is Rudy Giuliani fucked.”
wednesday: a plan so stupid it’s brilliant
in just 12 days, Joe Biden and Donald Trump will meet for their first debate, and the right-wing noise machine can sense a disaster brewing. in fact, they’re already planning for how to react when Donny shits the bed on live TV. Lara Trump is calling the debates rigged, and Hannity is drawing up a list of excuses for why Donny lost.
come on, Republicans! as Margaret Thatcher said to Ronald Reagan, this is no time to go wobbly — because Donny has the situation fully under control. he’s got a cunning plan that can’t fail.
“I’ll lose the debate on purpose. maybe I’ll do something like that.”
aha! in your face, Sleepy Brandon! it’s the brilliant I meant to do that gambit.
so now, when Donny self-immolates in front of millions of viewers, you’ll know it was all part of some master plan. 27-dimensional chess, bro.
and then, for the next forever, the stupidest fucking morons on the planet are going to be screaming TRUMP LOST ON PURPOSE, LIBTARD.
thursday: life in Upisdownistan
Republican policies fucking suck. nothing Republicans do makes life better for their constituents — but you have to be impressed by how they’ll lie straight to your face about it. here’s Tim Scott, explaining why he’s against Biden’s proposal to lower the usurious fees banks charge their customers.
“I’m not sure the average business person and/or consumer would see late fees, the overdraft fees and insufficient fund fees as ‘junk’ fees.”
oh yeah, consumers fucking LOVE shelling out thirty-five bucks every time they’re a day late paying a credit card bill. they live for that shit. hit me again, sir, it feels so good.
friday: area toady tweets from inside Trump’s butthole
hey, looks who’s back! any week that begins and ends with Lindsay Graham has got to be a double-fuckload of stupid, and this week is no exception.
check out the birthday greeting that the obsequious lickspittle sent to Dear Leader.
“Happy Birthday to President @realDonaldTrump! Your golf game has never been stronger, and America needs you now more than ever. Your best present will come in November when the American people elect you as our next President and Commander in Chief.”
excuse me while I projectile vomit.
“your golf game has never been better.” oh my god, the kompromat that Donald Trump has on Lindsey Graham must really be something. I don’t even want to think about it.
now let’s check in on the birthday boy and see how he spent his big day.
oh how nice for Donny! his Slovenian trophy wife took him to his favorite restaurant, Chuck E. Cheese, where big, strong servers — their eyes pooling with tears of gratitude — said sir! sir! no one’s ever seen a birthday like this. tell us again about the sharks and the batteries.
just kidding! Melania hates her philandering husband’s guts, and she avoided the rotting old fuckbag’s birthday like the plague. Melly was nowhere to be seen, and she was the only member of Donny’s immediate family to pointedly not wish him a happy birthday.
so sad.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.
This Week in LOSING: CEOs won't clap for Trump--on HIS BIRTHDAY!!
CEOs who attended a meeting with Trump in Washington 6/13/2024 told reporters they found him uninformed and unfocused. Christina Wilkie and Brian Schwartz of CNBC noted that the attendees dislike the Biden administration’s enforcement of antitrust laws, its price caps on drugs and medical products, and its promise of progressive tax policy and like Trump’s promise to slash regulations and cut taxes, so they went into the meeting hoping to support him.
One CEO left the meeting with the takeaway that “Trump doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” and several, Andrew Ross Sorkin of CNBC reported, said that he “was remarkably meandering, could not keep a straight thought [and] was all over the map.” He could not explain how he planned to accomplish any of the policies he was proposing. When asked why he had chosen a policy of bringing the corporate tax rate down to 20% [from 21%], he allegedly answered: “Well, it’s a round number.”
Trump also excitedly detailed to the corporate juggernauts his promise to eliminate taxes on worker tips—a questionable offer he stole from a Republican nominee for Senate and which, darkly, provoked LAUGHTER from the room full of CEOs.
No one applauded Trump, attendees reported, in striking contrast to reports of the enthusiasm of Republican lawmakers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Llwh5moo4bU
BTW, discussing taxes on tips with CEO's is like selling bikinis to polar bears. Not exactly a deeply felt need.
Yea, D-Day was a colossal failure...wait, what the actual fuck? Tell that to the few remaining heroes who were there to commemorate the 80th anniversary. Better yet, tell that to the thousands of Americans who didn't make it off that beach. Sit down, Lindsey.