this week in stupid: June 1 edition

Donny wears it, Fox News swears it, and so much more ...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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sunday: coulda woulda shoulda

last week, Donny got booed and heckled mercilessly at the Libertarian National Convention. no fucking way did they want him in the building, and the Libbos loudly let him know it.

when you’re a broken-inside narcissist whose life is a bottomless pit of need, there’s only one way to deal with that big a public humiliation: pretend it never happened.

“The reason I didn’t file paperwork for the Libertarian Nomination, which I would have absolutely gotten if I wanted it (as everyone could tell by the enthusiasm of the Crowd last night!), was the fact that, as the Republican Nominee, I am not allowed to have the Nomination of another Party. Regardless, I believe I will get a Majority of the Libertarian Votes. Junior’ Kennedy is a Radical Left Democrat, who’s destroyed everything he’s touched, especially in New York and New England, and in particular, as it relates to the Cost and Practicality of Energy. He’s not a Libertarian. Only a FOOL would vote for him!”

got that? Donny could have gotten the Libertarian nomination — didn’t you hear all the cheers? they fucking loved him! — but he ultimately decided that it just wasn’t his thing.

in other words, Donny meant to do that.

enjoy your imaginary little victory while you can, bro. this is Future Jeff, here to tell you that your week is going to get a fuck of a lot worse.

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monday: new Biden scandal drops

Fox News found object Rachel Campos-Duffy never met a conspiracy theory she couldn’t swallow.

“well we had Michael Pillsbury on last weekend and I asked him directly, because president Trump had said there’s a very strong possibility that the Chinese increase, which is about eight thousand percent increase — military-age men coming over the border — Donald Trump as alluded to perhaps they’re, you know, sort of forming cells, like an army, inside of our borders. we know that some of the terrorists are probably forming cells, just military-age men, Chinese here. and I asked Michael Pillsbury if he thought that was a possibility and he said yes, absolutely.”

from the gang that brought you human trafficking out of the basement of a pizza parlor that has no basement, comes the newest wingnut fever dream: Chinese terror cells, in a town near you — probably in that new restaurant that just opened.

of course, this panic is based on zero evidence. no, it’s all a hunch that Dear Leader has — the same guy who thinks exercise is bad for you and who’s terrified of coming down with a bad case of windmill cancer.

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tuesday: newer Biden scandal drops

a new poll shows that chocolate chip ice cream is not as popular as it used to be, and — like everything in this world — it’s Sleepy Brandon’s fault.

here’s Newsmax weirdo Chris Plante to break it down.

“Joseph Robinette Biden, much like his favorite flavor of ice cream, is very much in decline — very much in decline, in every imaginable way. the International Dairy Foods Association — we have one of those — they found that Joe Biden’s beloved chocolate chip didn’t even crack America’s top five favorite ice creams. that’s kind of sad, isn’t it? ice cream producers, they even scooped to low as to call it a seasonal ice cream. it’s not even an all year ice cream any more. the flavor now sits in eighth place, after being ranked at fifth place just two years ago. I think Joe Biden is probably guilty of the decline in chocolate chip ice cream popularity.”

hey — Biden might be guilty of ice cream fuckery, but you know what he isn’t guilty of?

he’s is not guilty of coercing a porn actress into a barely-consensual sexual encounter and then paying her to shut the fuck up about it — and then creating an elaborate criminal conspiracy to hide the hush money payments in order to influence the outcome of an election.

bro, we’ll take chocolate chips over all of that shit any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

hey, did you catch how Chris did his clever little play on words, “ice cream producers scooped so low?”

my dude, don’t quit your day job. wait, what’s that you say? being a Newsmax jackass is your day job?

oopsies.

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wednesday: raging bullshit

get ready, boys and girls — we’re outside of Trump’s trials and it’s time for the introduction of a new piece of Dear Leader fan art. what’s it going to be this time? Donny as a superhero? a cowboy? maybe a superhero cowboy with a big fucking gun?

let’s watch as dingus here unveils his latest creation. it’s … Donny as a boxer … and who is that he’s vanquished? oh, it’s Robert De Niro! that’s so cute.

oh dude. oh poor delusional dude. have you checked out what Dear Leader actually looks like these days?

he’s a sweaty mess whose freakishly tiny hands can’t work the trowel any more when he tries to spackle his face with burnt cork. just look at your God-Emperor.

did you catch Dear Leader at his “I’m a convicted felon now” press conference?

your narcoleptic homeboy is wearing his head-ferret sideways. what the fuck?

now check out Mr. Universe’s trim and fit physique.

bro, the last time Trump had a six-pack and bulging biceps was fucking never.

but sure, tell me once again how Lard-ass McGobbleburger could take anyone in a fight. that shit never gets old.

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thursday: imagine there’s no woke

if I asked you “who is the one person on this planet least likely to complain about all the woke,” you’d probably say “hey Uncle Jeff, it’s got to be the son of the guy who wrote ‘imagine all the people, sharing all the world,’ right?”

well, guess again.

“Wokism is not a religion it’s a full blown cult. I’m starting to realize we have to treat its members as victims of manipulation, indoctrination and abuse.”

sigh.

hey Sean, your mom has a message for you.

“Tape the sound of your baby son crying. Let him listen to the tape when he is going through pain as a grown man.”

when I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Yoko comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, this is you as an annoying infant.

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friday: god fucks it up

meet “MAGA prophet” Julie Green.

here’s a really cool thing about Julie: god talks to her. for reals. he’s always telling her about the awesome things that are going to happen to Dear Leader, and she passes on the Good Word to her followers. there’s just one little problem: for some reason god is always wrong.

take the Trump trial. on Thursday, god told Julie that Trump would be cleared of all charges — and we know how that played out.

let’s check in on Julie and see how she’s coping.

“he said, there will be no guilty verdict, because there’s no crime. he will not do any time behind their bars in their prisons — no, they will not get what they wanted. no, not at all. we can say, well that was not true because there was a guilty verdict. look, he says there will be no guilty verdict. because when someone is exonerated, it’s like it never existed in the first place. you can have a fake inauguration. doesn’t mean that person in that place is a real president. you can have a fake king, to be coronated. that doesn’t mean he’s actually king. you can have a fake verdict. it doesn’t mean that person is actually guilty — at all.”

fuckin’ god, he’s always working in those mysterious ways.

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.