this week in stupid: July 6 edition

Bobby McBrainworms eats it, Meghan McCain bleats it, and so much more...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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monday: how do we keep the stupid from falling off the edge?

on Monday, noted astrophysicist and renaissance woman Candace Owens graced us with a few pearls of wisdom regarding the shape of our home planet.

“I’m not a flat-earther, I’m not a round-earther. actually what I am is somebody who has left the cult of science.”

pro tip: science doesn’t give a shit whether or not you believe in it — and yo, Candace: leaving the quote-unquote “cult of science” for the warm embrace of the cult of an 88-criminal count narcoleptic fart-factory is not the flex you imagine it is.

but I need to know more about what Candace believes about the shape of the Earth. if it’s not round or flat, what is it?

maybe it’s a parabola. is it a parabola, Candace?

wait, is the Earth an n-dimensional hypercube? because that would be fucking awesome.

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tuesday: he wouldn’t eat his words, either

on Tuesday, Vanity Fair published a lengthy article revealing internationally-renowned virologist Bobby McBrainworms Junior to be, well, a ginormous sack of shit.

Bobby’s got quite the history of erratic behavior and sexual assault — but what got the world’s attention was a photo that shows him gnawing on what is reportedly a grilled dog carcass. (for the record, Junior says it’s a goat.)

realizing that some damage control was needed pronto, Bobby popped onto Chris Cuomo’s show to reassure us all with the following words:

“I wouldn’t eat a human.”

full disclosure: the photo at the top of this post is photoshopped — but Bobby really did say this.

thanks, Bobby, that’s really good to know.

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wednesday: new Biden scandal drops

universally-despised former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy has ripped the lid off the seamy underside of the Biden White House.

“in Biden’s Oval Office, it’s the quietest place. no one is around. the only thing, there are cookies. he offers you cookies every time you’re in there, and he goes and gets them. it is a depressing moment.”

fuck off, Kev.

I hadn’t realized that there is a list of Republican-approved snack foods, and that cookies apparently don’t make the cut. so enlighten us, Kevin — what do true leaders gorge themselves on?

seriously, Kev? candy? are you in the pocket of Big Dentist now?

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thursday: why I don’t read The New York Times. and why maybe you shouldn’t either

now get ready to be gaslit.

on Thursday, The New York Times decided to take a break from its weeks-long wall-to-wall Biden is old and icky and must drop out coverage to bring the following important message to all Americans.

what in the ever-loving fuck is this bullshit, Grey Lady?

and who is this Matthew Walther who is telling us not to bother voting in the most consequential election of our lifetime — and that our votes don’t matter? let’s take a look.

this is Matthew. he’s some MAGA chud who decided rocking Hitler’s mustache would be too on-the-nose — especially coupled with that Third Reich haircut.

he’s also a Christian Nationalist and a January 6th sympathizer — so yeah, awesome guy. just the sort of trustworthy homeslice you want to see on the Times’ op-ed page.

here’s another fun cool fact about Matthew. he does vote. he voted in 2020 and 2022.

he also wrote a whiny diatribe for the American Conservative about all the times he tried to tried to vote but was turned away because he wasn’t registered. so unfair!

so yeah, this guy is a real deep thinker.

let’s talk about Matthew’s real agenda here: he votes — he just doesn’t want you to vote.

Matthew doesn’t want the lib’rul readers of the lib’rul New York Times to vote. please stay home while True Patriotic Americans vote for Republicans. here, read my gaslighting op-ed about why “none” of us should vote.

the Times got so thoroughly smacked around on social media that they changed the title of the piece.

too little, too late.

so, did the New York Times get snookered by a MAGA operative, or are they complicit in trying to discourage you from voting?

what the fuck do you think?

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friday: fuck you very much, Meghan

nepo-Republican Meghan McCain is what would happen if “do you know who my father is?” became a real girl.

would she even have a career as a TV bloviator if she weren’t the child of an extremely famous parent? would any of us know her name at all?

nonetheless, Meghan refuses to just go away.

“There’s nothing Biden can say tonight during his interview that will change my mind that he’s cognitively incapable of being president and that the coverup of his health by his staff and the media is one of the greatest American cons ever pulled.”

really, Meghan? you’re going to shit all over the guy who comforted you after your father died?

if it were me, I’d be voting for the guy who consoled me in my time of grief, and not the overgrown diaper-baby who hated my father so much that the Navy had to hide an entire fucking warship that bears my father’s name, lest the diaper-baby see it and throw a shit-fit on the spot.

but then, Meghan is a Republican.

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.