this week in stupid: July 29 edition

Kari's a fool, cocaine sharks are cool, and so much more ...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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sunday: Benny puts another Barbie on the barbie

Ben Shapiro is a very brave manly man, and he is constantly doing very brave manly man things. after all, it takes a very brave manly man to admit you’ve never sexually satisfied another person.

and it takes a very brave manly man to totally freak the fuck out because there’s a movie about a doll that children play with.

Ben Shapiro was so fucking cheesed that everyone was going to see the doll movie — and that it was making millions of dollars — that he went to a store and bought about $500 worth of Barbie Dolls — enough to fill a trash can — and set fire to them, thereby really sticking it to Mattel, and proving that he understands how commerce works about as well as he understands how female sexuality works.

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monday: x marks the moron

seems to me that if you’re going to piss away 44 billion dollars and then completely destroy an iconic brand by changing its name to X, you’d at least first check to make sure that someone like, oh, say, Bill Gates doesn’t already hold the trademark.

oh dear.

ok, but at least Gates doesn’t hold the trademark for using X to brand a social media app. because that would really be a problem.

and that’s true. Gates doesn’t. but do you know who does?

Mark Zuckerberg.

Zuck holds the trademark for a social media app named X.

ok, but does Mark Zuckerberg make cars that randomly crash and burst into flames? he doesn’t? booyah, Marky Zuck. IN YOUR FACE.

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tuesday: wut

I don’t even know what this is, or what to say about it. all I know is that it showed up in my twitter feed, without context.

but somehow, just seeing this headline juxtaposed with the plank-like forehead of the mysteriously-undicted Florida sex pest, it all seems to make sense.

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wednesday: x marks the [blocked]

turns out there’s a downside to renaming your social media app to the first letter in every porn website.

for an in-depth analysis of just how fucking clownshoes this rebrand-to-X has been for ThE sMaRtEsT BuSiNeSsMaN iN tHe GaLaXy, let’s turn to these fellows:

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thursday: a trifecta of stupid. no, a stupidfecta

let’s say you’re a Republican in good standing, and on Tuesday, Ron DeSantis starts blathering on about the positive aspects of slavery. and then on Wednesday, Greg Gutfeld ups the ante by insisting that “useful” Jews survived the Holocaust.

those are two pretty hard acts to follow — so what do you do for the trifecta?

if you had “World War II internment camps were super-awesome for the Japanese” on your Republican Dipshittery Bingo Card, I have some very good news for you:

you’re welcome, George Takei.

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friday: Kari Lake is missing a brain

when dealing with Republicans, you always have to ask yourself this: “is this a smart person pretending to be stupid in order to con the rubes (hi, Ted Cruz!), or is this a genuinely stupid person?”

with Kari Lake, the question is a no-brainer (ha ha, see what I did there?), because no smart person could pretend to be this stupid:

“you can’t bring down a giant like Donald J. Trump. I think he would welcome that indictment. welcome a trial. they’re playing checkers, and Trump is playing chess at the highest level. they don’t want to pick a fight with him.”

that’s right, The Guy Who Can’t Figure Out How Umbrellas Work is playing multidimensional chess against The Guy Who Convicts War Criminals In The Hague.

my god, how does this woman get the fork to her mouth without stabbing herself in the eye.

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.