this week in stupid: July 27 edition
Donny Junior does a snort, Donny Senior comes up short, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.
sunday: putting the ‘ass’ in ‘assassination’
the coolest part of being a wingnut is how you get to do your own research. screw the virologists — these honchos know more about covid than Dr. Fauci does, because they watched a youtube video that explained the whole thing.
they did their own unbiased investigation of the 2020 election, and that’s how they know that Shay Freeman and Ruby Moss altered vote counts via a magical breath mint.
so of course it was only a matter of time until some rocket scientist would turn his attention to the whatever it was that nicked Dear Leader’s ear, and figure that shit the fuck out.
“My jaw is on the floor This PhD did a scientific analysis of all bullet audio signatures from the Trump assassination footage CONCLUSION: Raw Audio evidence proves there were *at least* two shooters firing different weapons in two locations to kill Trump”
holy shit — it’s the Two Ear-Nicks Theory. Dear Leader’s ear is so resilient that it completely grew back in only two days after being shot at twice.
I’m liking this two-shooter theory. it makes perfect fucking sense — except for the part where the second set of bullets is coming from the cops who killed the the dweeby incel who was shooting at Donny.
oopsies!
monday: new Biden conspiracy drops
five-time national lap-hockey champion Handy Oakley also loves to do her own research — and folks, she’s figured out this whole why did Joe Biden drop out thing.
are you sitting down? get ready to have your mind blown. the reason that Joe had to abandon his campaign is because he’s dead.
“I demand proof of life from Joe Biden today by 5:00pm. He needs to get in front of some camera and discuss if he’s aware that he dropped out. Hiding is completely unacceptable.”
Handy DEMANDS to know if “Joe Biden is aware that he dropped out.” hey Handy, how can Joe be aware of anything if he’s dead?
hey, know who else did her own research here? you guessed it, it’s Handy Oakley’s partner in stupidity, Marjorie Three Toes Greene.
“Wait, what? Marjorie Taylor Greene tells Alex Jones that she needs evidence that President Biden is alive.”
excuse me, but I’m going to need evidence that Handy and Marge have one complete brain between them — because I’ve done my own research, and I’m just not seeing it.
tuesday: it’s a hole in none!
convicted felon Sharky McBatterypants loves to brag about how he knows more about golfing than all the golfers. to prove it, he points to the 22 championships he’s won at his golf motels — or, more accurately, the 22 championships he claims to have won.
we have no proof of any of this, because the guy who loves nothing more than be on camera has somehow never been filmed winning any of these alleged championships.
on Tuesday, Sharky played a round with pro golfer Bryson DeChambeau — and this time, someone brought along a camera. let’s take a look.
that’s weird. Sharky missed his first putt. and his second. and his third. in fact, in this minute-long supercut, Sharky doesn’t sink a single ball.
hey everyone, it looks like the guy who guy who lied about bone spurs and lied about hush money and lied about his wealth and lied about a hurricane and lied about covid and lied about his taxes and lied about the election has been lying about being any fucking good at golf.
how did we nazi this coming?
wednesday: black like Joey
everybody knows that the first rule of pretending you’re a black woman online is make sure you’re logged into the right account, so you don’t look like a complete fucking idiot.
it’s a rule that self-styled “MAGA influncer” Joey Mannarino didn’t follow.
“I’m a TRUE Black American woman and I’ve been Black all my life. I was born Black and I will die Black. My mommy was Black. My daddy Black. I will NEVER cast a ballot for that Kamala Harris woman as long as I live! Trump all the way, all day everyday!”
cool story. it’s a cooler story than the subsequent one Joey came up with to explain away his dipshittery. most folks would have just deleted the tweet and pretended it never happened, or claimed to have been hacked. but not Joey—
“A tweet posted earlier from my account was the result of my account being logged in on a friend’s device. Clearly, I am not a Black woman. Unlike the Democrat nominee for President, I don’t spend my time pretending to be a Black woman to garner votes under false pretense.”
ah, the I’m not stupid, you’re stupid gambit.
back up a second here, Joey. what are you telling us, that you borrowed the phone of a black woman friend, logged out of her twitter, logged into yours, and then handed her back the phone without logging out? is that what you’re claiming? and then she inadvertently— what?
come on Joey, my head hurts just trying to parse it.
Joey, I have one question: is this black woman friend of yours, is she in the room with us right now?
thursday: a septum is a terrible thing to waste
folks, there’s a reason you don’t snort all the coke at once.
in case you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to have half the gross national product of Bolivia shoved up your nostrils, here’s Individual-1 Junior to teach a master class in speedblithering.
“likesomeofthemarelikewedon’tevenwantwhitewomenweneedtochecklikethreeorfourboxessoyoucanendupifyou’relikeatranscommunistthisthatandtheotherlikeyoutoocanbetheCEOofafortune500companywithnoexperiencewhatsoever—”
and that’s just the first twelve seconds of a two-minute clip.
hey Cokey, your dealer is on the phone. he says to slow the fuck down before your heart explodes. he doesn’t want to lose his most profitable customer.
friday: petard-hoisting at its finest
thoughts and prayers for the dipshits who were expecting to reap a fortune from selling their Joe Biden is Soooo Old merchandise to the cultists.
let’s hear from one happy customer who plunked his hard-earned cash down for a Don’t Let The Old Man In tee shirt.
“I bought this shirt for Joe Biden, but now that he isn’t running, it looks like I’m making fun of Trump. I can’t wear this in front of my friends now. Amazon won’t refund me even though they removed Biden in a coup. Waste of $16.99!”
this brainiac has two complaints. one, he’s out sixteen bucks and change. two, ‘they’ removed Biden in a coup. who is ‘they’? the Democrats? the Deep State? Amazon? did Jeff Bezos personally engineer a take-down of Sleepy Brandon?
I never trusted that Bezos guy. anyone who laughs like a cartoon villian can’t possibly be up to any good.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
BREAKING: this just in, as I’m finishing this post — we have our Saturday stupid.
this fucking guy.
have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.
Ah, “Sharkey McBatterypants” 😂😂. Is someone writing these down!? The sheer stupidity of Bobo and Marge is astounding. And Burnt Monkey Testicles? Did anyone VET Jay Dee? 🤣🤣 ya can’t make this shit up! 🤦♀️
Jeff, you had me at “Sharkey McBatterypants” - I LOLed so hard it scared my cat!!! (Yes, I am a “childless cat lady”, by the way, and JD Vance can fuck all the way off, like NOW).