this week in stupid: July 19 edition
Handy Oakley spews it, Jesse Watters eschews it, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: taking the matter into her own hands
five-time international lap-hockey champion Handy Oakley knows exactly who we need to get to the bottom of this little Epstein Files dust-up.
“I want answers, and, um, maybe that takes a Special Counsel to do so. maybe Matt Gaetz can be the Special Counsel.”
oh really? the maddeningly-unindicted trafficker and former congressman Plankhead McSexpest? the guy who would regularly venmo cash to teenage girls, because reasons? the guy who flew girls to New York for the purpose of getting it on with them? the guy who would show off nude photos of his conquests to other congressmen? the guy who resigned because the House Ethics Committee was about to publish a report that exposed all this damning shit to the public?
that’s the recommendation of the vacuous airhead who gave her hookup a vigorous beetlejuicing in a theater? Matt Gaetz? that’s who should investigate the Epstein cover-up?
well, the answer is clearly yes, because of that clever legal doctrine known as ‘takes one to know one.’
tuesday: if I had a hammer
hey, remember that bit in the Sermon on the Mount, where Jesus is all blessed are the kiddy-fiddlers? numb-nuts pastor Shane Vaughn apparently does.
“the only thing that’s coming today is the crucifixion of Donald Trump. oh no, not by the Romans. uh-uh. Yeshua, Jesus Christ, was not killed by the Romans. oh yes, they drove the nails — but it was the Jews that delivered him to them. and one can’t help but wonder, if history is not repeating itself, and we are not delivering Donald Trump to the crucifixion of his enemies.”
what the small-batch artisanal fuck? I’m sorry, who is ‘delivering Donald Trump to the crucifixion of his enemies’? — which, by the way, subject, objects and verbs in sentences, how do they work?
I just want to make it clear that I had nothing to do with any crucifixions. I was on space laser duty that day.
wednesday: what’s in a name
it must be exhausting to be a Fox News on-air bobblehead. you’re expected to be forever coming up with new ways to be an asshole. let’s watch as Jesse Watters knocks it out of the fucking park.
“so this guy has to lower rates immediately. and this guy, I mean, Jerome. funny name for a white guy.”
there we go. this is why we all worship at the Church of Jesse the Found Object. right in the middle of a government-ordained Two Minutes Hate against Fed chair Jerome Powell, Watters brilliantly improvises up a little drive-by racism. because, apparently, what self-respecting white parents would name their darling little bundle of joy Jerome?
seriously, what’s the deal with being named Jerome? maybe we should ask this guy.
here’s a dude named Jerome Lester Horwitz, though that’s probably not the moniker you know him by.
and then of course there’s this homey.
oh wait. Jerome John Garcia is half Mexican. maybe Jesse’s half right.
thursday: get a load of this fucking idiot
god-bothering uber-zealot Pastor Joel Webbon is the President and Founder of Right Response Ministries and the Senior Pastor of Covenant Bible Church. he’s also misogynist as fuck, as you’re about to find out.
“when you say, ‘well, I disagree with Pam Bondi, because I think she’s hiding the Epstein Files,’ and I’d be like, ‘yeah, but also I don’t like Pam Bondi because she’s a woman, and she shouldn’t be in public.’ not in politics. you and I are not the same. you don’t like her for this reason, I don’t like— it’s like ‘I don’t like Pam Bondi because of her positions’ and I don’t like Pam Bondi because she needs to be at home.”
how totally awesome. this guy thinks Pam Bondi fucking sucks — but not because she’s carrying water for Jeffrey Epstein’s adjudicated-rapist bestie Donny. not because she did fuck-all to prosecute Epstein when she was Florida’s Attorney General.
and certainly not because — as we all learned yesterday — that she had ONE THOUSAND FBI AGENTS working 24-hour shifts, combing though ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND Epstein documents and flagging any mentions of Dear Leader, and only after that did she decide that she couldn’t release the Epstein Files, because you-know-who was all over them.
no — this woman-loathing shitwad hates Pam Bondi because she’s not in the kitchen right now, making him a sandwich.
fuck you, Pastor Joel, for making Pam Bondi the good guy in this story.
friday: I DO DECLARE!
White House spiritual advisor Paula White-Cain is exactly the person we need right now.
“I DECLARE EVERY DEMONIC BATTLE AGAINST YOUR MIND, FAMILY AND FINANCES IS CANCELLED IN THE NAME OF JESUS!!!”
this is great. thank you, Paula. demons have been fucking our nation’s shit for way too long. at last, here is one woman who is unafraid to stand up and CANCEL EVERY DEMON, THE ALL-AMERICAN ALL-CAPS WAY, via a tweet on Elon’s Nazi Bar. that’ll show them demons who’s boss.
except for the part where Paula forgot to close her tweet with THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER, which means it’s not legally binding, and that demons can just keep right on fucking our shit.
how do you not know this, Paula?
Paula, every demon is going like this right now.
thanks for nothing, Paula.
can not one person in this entire administration do one thing right?
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
782 / 871
fun true fact: DO NOT GOOGLE "MIMING JERK-OFF GIF" UNLESS YOU WANT TO SEE A LOT OF ACTUAL HARD-CORE PORNOGRAPHY.
how did I fail to anticipate this would be the case?
Hadn’t heard from Paula in awhile. Thanks. Glad to know she and her angels are still protecting us from the demons and devils and other Republicans. But if she’s a woman, shouldn’t she be at home?