this week in stupid: July 15 edition

toxic bro fights, drunken fart nights, and so much more ...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

sunday: world’s most fragile man is not mad. please don’t put in the newspaper that he got mad

Elon is having Big Feelings right now, because Marky Zuck started up his own twitter clone, and everyone went rushing off to join it and nobody wants to be Elon’s friend any more.

when you’re a billionaire but you also have the emotional maturity of a 14-year-old boy, there’s only one possible way to respond to a business challenge:

Elon at this point has become the living embodiment of a dril tweet.

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monday: we’re impeaching Joe Biden because reasons

what the fuck are we doing, House Republicans? are we really impeaching Joe Biden because his son likes to drive fast and hang out with sex workers? or is it because Hunter’s dick is bigger than most Republicans’.

America demands an answer.

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tuesday: Casey DeSantis is America’s Karen

a gaggle of yammering bobbleheads on MSNBC were making fun of Florida’s first lady, Casey DeSantis, coming up with possible nicknames, and they landed on “America’s Karen.”

that’s not the stupid part — that’s actually pretty clever.

the stupid part is that Ron DeSantis had nothing better to do with his time than to go on teevee and throw a hissy-fit about it — turning a moment that would have otherwise been quickly forgotten into a days-long story.

Ron, you’re so fucking bad at this. what are you going to do when Trump calls your wife “ugly” or “horse face” in the middle of a debate?

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wednesday: gaseous eruption disrupts erupting gasbag

this headline says it all:

but you have to read the article to full grasp the insanity of it:

… an innocent-enough inquiry that enraged former gossip columnist Doug Dechert, the—reportedly drunk—host of the whole event.

…

… but Dechert was relentless, continuing to rant about the “scam” of climate change while Haden-Guest disparaged him with insults, calling him “fucking insane” and “insignificant.” That’s when Dechert brought out his secret weapon: a booming fart that he released while shouting, “I’m farting!”

as any 5-year-old boy will you, there’s no point in breaking wind if you’re not going to loudly announce it while it’s happening.

observers agrees that this was the most strategic use of a fart since the time Rudy Giuliani covid-gassed Jenna Ellis.

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thursday: welcome to the world’s most unappealing sumo match

this man:

is challenging this man:

to a fight.

look, we get it, Chris. your whole 2024 presidential campaign is predicated on the notion that you’re a bigger and better bully than Trump.

but what is it with toxic bros always challenging each other to fight. I mean, admit it, you’d pay good money to watch Marky Zuck whale the tar out of Elon. so would I. but Chris Christie and Donald Trump? I couldn’t change the channel fast enough.

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friday: feckless dope warns against wokity woke

on Friday, the House passed this year’s National Defense Authorization Act, but not before the Freedom Fucksticks forced Hapless Kev to agree to all of their batshit wackadoodle amendments. afterwards, Speaker McNeutered had to stand in front of a live camera and gamely defend the bill’s stupidest fucking inanities. let’s listen in.

“stop using taxpayer money to do their own wokeism. a military cannot defend themselves if you train them in woke. we don't want Disneyland to train our military.”

woke me when this Congress is over.

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

BREAKING NEWS: we have our stupid for Saturday, and holy shit, what in the actual fuck is this:

have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.