this week in stupid: July 13 edition

Ted Cruz overthinks it, Judge Jeanine overdrinks it, and so much more...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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monday: a conspiracy of kooks, part one

Republicans never tire of cooking up the batshittiest conspiracy theories imaginable. check out their latest overheated fever-swamp dream: the World Economic Forum is censoring conservative voices on social media. I shit you not, these low-wattage glue-huffers actually believe this.

naturally, House Republicans have responded to this imaginary crisis by doing what they do best: wasting everyone’s time on a series of pointless hearings. they dragged a bunch of industry leaders down to the Capitol and harangued them with the dumbest fucking questions ever asked. exhibit a: Rep. Michael Rulli, Republican of Ohio:

“my family’s owned grocery stores since 1917, we have about 45,000 SKUs. a product I know really well, growing up, my mom favored Dove Soap. I don’t think Dove Soap has been in my house for over fifteen years. we use Irish Spring now, and I was trying to think to myself, ‘when is the last time I saw a Dove Soap ad?’ I am a conservative family, and I look at a lot of different outlets, whether it’s online or whether it’s TV or radio or everything you can imagine. I haven’t heard a Dove Soap ad in at least ten to fifteen to twenty years. so if I was responsible to my shareholders, and I had to go there and I had to answer to them, if I’m doing the best job possible, for your words, the protection of the brand, you’re using these extreme examples of situations where the brand might be associated with a freak situation versus a normal family of kids. we never see a Dove Soap ad.”

what — and I cannot put too fine a point on this — the fuck? Congressman Goofus here hasn’t seen a Dove Soap ad since who knows when, and that’s all the proof anyone needs that … that what? oh my god, now I have to lie down in a dark room until the veins in my forehead stop throbbing.

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tuesday: a conspiracy of kooks, part two

Donny Convict’s hate-rallies are a reliable Ground Zero for clownfuckery, and the one he held on Tuesday at his bedbug-infested Doral golf motel was no exception.

for a reporter with a microphone, it’s like shooting very stupid fish in a barrel.

Taylor Popielarz: “as you’re saying you’re concerned about Joe Biden’s age and abilities, Trump is only 3.5 years younger. do you have any concerns about Trump’s age?”

MAGA: “John F. Kennedy, he’s still alive. John F. Kennedy, he’s over 100 years old.”

our friend here goes on to explain that the military has technology that can keep people alive, and that both JFK and Donny Trump have access to this tech, so she’s not worried about their health.

I love how this woman keeps gesturing at her thorax as she explains about the technology. in her mind, what does think the military puts in there? a nuclear reactor?

she also dropped this truth-bomb: “our vice president is John F. Kennedy Jr.”

I have questions that, unfortunately, the reporter didn’t ask: why doesn’t Joe Biden, as commander-in-chief, have access to the military’s life-extending tech, and if JFK Jr. is vice president, who’s that black woman who’s always sitting at his desk.

wait, is JFK Jr. a black woman?

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wednesday: a conspiracy of kooks, part three

misshapen garden gnome Ben Shapiro recently appeared before Congress for who the fuck even knows why. the only thing Benny’s an expert on is never having sexually pleasured his wife, so who knows — maybe that’s what this hearing was about.

now let’s bask in the confusing glow of excitable elocution expert Indiana Republican Rep. Victoria Spartz’s question to him.

“I have question for you, Mister Shapiro. don’t you think — you know, if this company actually says no to this initiative of global agenda initiatives, you know, that could be actually an unusual collaboration could actually harmful with the shareholders, because they can exclude, you know. I think your organization is a daily actually your organization Mr. Jewell put Daily Wire on the global high-risk exclusion list connaborizes (?) conspiracy theory interest in only conservative groups on that list. kind of very interesting.”

good fucking lord, paint thinner and crystal meth is a hell of a cocktail.

that’s just the first 30 seconds of a 2-minute clip. listen to the rest at your own peril.

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thursday: a conspiracy of kooks, part four

everyone’s got their own idea about how this whole Joe Biden already dead so why is he running thing is going to play out. part-time senator and full-time podcaster Fidel Cancun is no exception.

so, whatcha got for us, Ted?

“and I actually predicted ten months ago on my podcast Verdict With Ted Cruz, ten months ago I predicted they’re gonna push Joe Biden out and replace him with Michelle Obama. that may still prove to be the case.”

or not.

by the way, while Podcastin’ Teddy was bloviating on Fox from the comfort of an air-conditioned studio, hundreds of thousands of his hurricane-ravaged constituents were without electricity for the fifth day — because neither Ted nor sadistic Governor Deathtrap McRazorwire have done one fucking thing to fix Texas’ held-together-with-spit-and-baling-wire power grid.

hey, did you know under Project 2025, Canadian anchor-baby Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz would be deported? it would almost make the death of American democracy worthwhile to know that former Senator Fidel would exiled and doing his crappy podcast from a drafty cabin in snow-covered Saskatchewan.

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friday: a conspiracy of kooks, part five

mark my words, if Kamala Harris ends up as the Democratic candidate (and make no mistake, she would be an excellent president), racists are going to have a fucking field day. in fact, they’re already getting a head start, because right now is always a good time to be a complete piece of bigoted shit.

yo, America’s Drunkest Pretend-Judge, Jeanine Pirro, am I right?

“this is a woman who — let’s assume they put her at the top of the ticket. I don’t know if gonna happen or not, too much is in flux right now — but they will be hoisted on their own DEI petard. they chose her because of DEI and they’re stuck with her.”

DUI judge says what?

these dipshits love to throw around the phrase DEI, because it means they get to use the n-word without actually using the n-word — but everyone knows what these shitnozzles mean.

sober the fuck up, Jeanine. I just got off the phone with William Shakespeare. he told me to tell you that the actual quote is “hoist with his own petard” and that you’re an intemperate tosspot. he also said you’re a fucking racist. of course, he’s Billy Shakes, so he actually put it in sonnet form.

shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
thou art way more bigoted and stupid
also, I can smell the wine on thy breath
all the way here in Stratford-on-Avon
go home, you’re drunk

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.