this week in stupid: January 6 edition

Alina bobbles it, Nikki garbles it, and so much more ...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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sunday: your second amendment right to be a dipshit

so how was your New Year’s Eve? did you go out and party? maybe you spent a quiet evening in front of the television, or curled up with a good book — or friend.

or maybe you spent your NYE as this guy did, posing with your beloved guns and daring someone to come and try to take them.

to which some internet loudmouth replied:

I mean, really. the comic bravado of these guffoons. no one is coming for your guns. go ahead and pose with them all you want. no one is impressed, I guarantee it. it’s just sad.

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monday: area podcaster has a podcast

did you know that Esteemed Senator Fidel Cruz has a podcast?

how could you not know? “I have a podcast” is always the first thing out of his mouth.

on Monday, Cruz went on Hannity — apparently to promote his podcast, because once again, he couldn’t shut up about it.

now you may be asking, between his extremely vital work as a podcast host and his side gig as the spokesman for the Cancun Tourism Board, how does Ted Cruz have time to do his day job?

easy answer: Ted Cruz does fuck-all at his day job. Cruz has been in the Senate for eleven years. go ahead, name one thing he’s accomplished. name one legislative success — name one important bill he’s introduced. can’t do it, can you.

no wonder this empty suit has all the time in the world to podcast.

oh Texas, you could have had Beto O’Rourke. instead you re-elected Podcast Mouth.

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tuesday: not in the cards

it must have been a slow news day, because Jesse Watters, the professional birthday clown that Fox News hired to replace the Tanned Scrotum King, brought a tarot card reader onto his show to tell Donald Trump’s future.

so how did it go?

“uh-oh … a sense of loss.”

the tarot card she drew for Trump was the Five of Cups.

The Five of Cups symbolizes disappointment, and the feelings that come when things go differently as you expected. You are feeling unhappy that a certain situation hasn’t really turned out the way you have hoped it would.

holy fuck! maybe there’s someting to this tarot business after all.

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wednesday: no she can’t

in just one sound bite, area parking garage lawyer Alina Habba sets feminism back a hundred and fifty years.

“somebody said to me, Alina, would you rather be smart or pretty? and I said, oh easy. pretty, I can fake being smart.”

spoiler alert: no she fucking can’t.

because later that day, Habbabbalina went on Fox News and said the quiet part out loud.

“I think it should be a slam dunk in the supreme court. I have faith in them. you know, people like Kavanaugh, who the president fought for, who the president went through hell to get into place. he'll step up.”

I’m sorry, what, Alina? did you just tell Blackout Brett to do a quid pro quo? did you just say that Mr. I Like Beer owes Trump a favor for getting him his job?

this is a woman who’s already been sanctioned to the tune of a million bucks for being unprofessional as fuck. is she going for a second million?

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thursday: what the fuck, AP?

check out this bit of journalistic malpractice:

“One attack, two interpretations: Biden and Trump both make the Jan. 6 riot a political rallying cry.”

holy shit, Associated Press, what the fuck are we doing here? are we actually both-sidesing Little Donny Fuckface’s failed attempt to overthrow his own government?

oh my god, there are no “interpretations” here. there’s only what happened.

it’s going to be a loooong campaign season if our media doesn’t stand up and do its job.

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friday: a word is a terrible thing to word

Nikki Haley’s week ended as clownishly as it started.

what the fuck is this word salad? I keep staring at it and I’m stunned by its incoherence. it’s just words, apparently shit out at random. you could swap out anything it would make just as much sense.

we have to deal with the roast beef that is motor oil.

we have to deal with the paramecium that is glockenspiel.

we have to deal with the moron from South Carolina who is running for president.

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.