this week in stupid: January 17 edition
Charlie Kirk travels though time, Donny Convict stops on a dime, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: raw raw raw!
hey, remember the ‘raw milk’ craze of 2024? loyal MAGA cultists coast to coast were super into guzzling moo-juice straight from the source — because fuck pasteurization. that weak-ass shit’s for radical leftist lunatics.
even our favorite three-toed genetic freak of nature started each morning by tossing back a fresh mug of piping-hot disease.
well, move over, raw milkers — the world’s dumbfuckiest health freaks have expanded their horizons. patriots, get ready to chow down on raw chicken.
yeah, no.
“u can actually eat raw chicken if u make it spicy enough. the spice sterilizes any harmful bacteria”
pro tip: it’s true. you can eat almost anything, if you cover all the disgusting slimy yuck with enough spices. that doesn’t mean you should.
now, because I’m a responsible journalist and everything, I googled ‘is it okay to eat raw chicken?’ — and it turns out that the answer is ‘are you fucking insane? raw chicken is loaded with campylobacter, salmonella, and clostridium perfringens germs. it’s a one-way, non-refundable ticket to Food Poisoning City. population: you.’
and so I say this to MAGA: absolutely, go for it. feel free to gobble that yummy uncooked shit every day of the week, and twice on Sunday.
and while you’re at it, be like Bobby Brainworms Jr and literally go swimming in sewage.
tuesday: a gnome for all seasons
during his lifetime, you could have easily dismissed Charlie Kirk as simply just some misshapen garden gnome — but that would have been deeply underestimating the Chuckinator. apparently, homey had talents that allowed him to ignore the laws of physics.
Candace Owens: “why did Charlie think he was a time traveler? he said that he was a time traveler, and he had to find me … it’s not anything that I would have placed so much emphasis on, back when he was saying it, but it came to fruition … I’m totally occupied by this. I read these messages, and I’m going ‘what is reality?’”
that’s right, Charlie Kirk figured out how to back-to-the-future his own personal timeline.
that whole video clip of Candace is a big bucket of holy shit. my batshit-to-english translator is on the fritz, so I’m not exactly sure what the fuck she’s babbling about for most of it — but apparently Charlie didn’t just zip willy-nilly around the time-o-sphere. it seems the Chuckster also had ‘watchers’ who ‘monitored’ him, and used him to alter the future.
so, for those of you keeping score at home, Kirk was both an annoying debate-me bro and a time-traveling avatar for his minders — and, now that he’s left this earthly plain, he’s a heavenly horse farmer and lead guitarist for the ethereal rock band Jesus and His 13 Apostles.
or, there could just be a serious gas leak in Candace Owen’s home.
if only there were some way to know for sure which is true.
wednesday: foreign policy, as explained by morons
from time immemorial, foreign policy experts have struggled to answer the age-old question: ‘what exactly is the problem with international law?’ well, leave it to the brainiacs in the MAGAsphere to cut straight to the heart of the matter. it turns out that the real problem with international law is that it’s gay.
“If some shitty little tinpot third world dictator is harming our country or interfering with our national interests, we should do exactly what Trump did to Maduro. Why not? ‘International law’ is fake and gay.”
in fact, it’s not just gay — it’s super-gay. how do I know it’s true? because a noted sex-trafficking shitweasel says it’s true.
oh my god, they’re all adolescent boys.
so, is Matt Walsh correct when he says that ‘some shitty little tinpot third world dictator is harming our country’?
fact check: true. here’s your culprit.
loyal MAGA super-patriots, help me out. jacking off two invisible giraffes, is that gay?
thursday: world war two, as explained by morons
oh look, it’s just a couple of hateful fucksticks — terminal incel Nick Fuentes and Christofascist pastor Joel Webbon — hashing out another age-old question: ‘Hitler: really bad guy, or misunderstood madcap?’
you’ll never guess on which side of the equation they land.
Joel Webbon: “I just don’t find it compelling that he’s the worse guy ever. and I also think … the atrocities that happened, they were probably not as bad as we’ve been told. and the real atrocities that were valid and legitimate … it’s entire plausible that he didn’t even know some of the things that were going on.”
yeah, well, that’s just your EXTREMELY FUCKED-UP opinion, man.
excuse me, but could you fascist shit-kazoos please stop trying to re-write history? free clue: you’re the baddies.
news flash: Hitler fucking sucked all ass, and the Nazi atrocities were off-the-charts evil. we fought an entire world war about this, remember? and your side lost.
you know where all this is going, don’t you? a hundred years from now, twenty-second-century fascists are going to be all ‘look, Donny had some good ideas. it probably wasn’t as bad as they’re telling us’ — and, inevitably, ‘Donny didn’t really know what was going on around him. it was his underlings who were running the show.’
except in Donny’s case, that last bit is going to be true.
friday: the further adventures of some fucking idiot
on Friday, some fucking idiot pardoned more cronies.
included in the list was some shitwad who already been pardoned once by the fucking idiot — after which she got convicted again, after committing the same crime for which she’d been pardoned the first time. how much do you want to bet she ends up getting pardoned a third time?
the fucking idiot then held an Oval Bordello press event to announce he’d finally completed his healthcare plan — the one that he’d spent the last ten years promising would be ready ‘in two weeks.’
the fucking idiot offered no details about his plan — but he did take the opportunity to shit-talk Obama, because of course he did.
then, as the raccoons that live inside his bug dumb pumpkin head chewed through all the wires, the fucking idiot rambled nonsensically from one subject to the next.
you have to love that ‘I won’t say which one’ was followed in the next breath by ‘it was ozempic.’
perfection. no notes. chef’s kiss. don’t ever change, fucking idiot.
and, because he has the attention span of a coked-up squirrel, the fucking idiot quickly got bored and brought the presser to a close.
when pressed afterwards by reporters about about how his healthcare plan would work, the fucking idiot couldn’t come up with one actual fact about it.
he simply blithered incoherently about how it’s a ‘tremendous plan’ that will bring numbers down ‘like no one’s ever seen.’
sure, grandpa. now let’s get you a pudding cup, and then off to bed.
spoiler alert: there still isn’t any plan. there’s just some fucking idiot gibbering like the lunatic he is.
tell me, is a bad thing when actual experts are alarmed by a plan that has no details?
the fucking idiot also refused to rule out attacking NATO.
oh, and get this: the fucking idiot was too demented to remember the name of the woman who’d given him her Nobel Peace Prize only the day before.
and, despite all that dumb-assery going on right in front of them, not one reporter stood up to ask ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’
how fucking idiotic is that?
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
964 / 1053
also happy birthday to my mom, who turns 93 today. (don't go looking for her, she's not on social media)
THIS JUST IN: here's Saturday's stupid. today is Bobby Brainworms' birthday, and the Dept of Health and Human Services gave him a cake made of steak. apparently, at ten o'clock in the morning.
I shit you not.
https://x.com/SecKennedy/status/2012543463791677698