this week in stupid: January 13 edition

Don Jr. deals it, Liberty Mom steals it, and so much more ...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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sunday: your father and your sister built what now?

perfect. no notes. please don’t anybody correct him. just let this patriot strut his stuff.

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monday: probably just slipped his mind

powdered substance aficionado Individual-1 Junior is very upset about this whole Jeffrey Epstein thing, and he took to not-twitter to demand that SoMeThInG bE DoNe!!!

sharp-eyed readers noticed that Cokey McSniffles had left a very prominent name off his tweet, and they let him know it.

maybe Squirrely McNosemuffin is just jealous that Eric and Ivanka got to hang out with Epstein, and he didn’t.

by the way, this photo was taken at the opening of a bar in Manhattan, which is a great place to take two small children to meet a pedophile.

eww.

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tuesday: feel the DEANPHILLIPSMENTUM

remember Dean Phillips? he’s the dipshit plutocrat primarying Joe Biden, and for about ten seconds we were all pretty worried up about him seriously fucking the Democrats’ shit.

turns out that all our hand-wringing might have been premature.

on Tuesday, Dean drove a van full of donuts and coffee to a DoubleTree hotel in Manchester NH and settled down for what he called a “Government Repair Truck Coffee Conversation” with prospective voters.

not one person showed up.

“Sometimes if you build it, they don’t come,” Dean Phillips told reporters outside of the Manchester DoubleTree hotel this morning, after no voters showed up to his event in 22 degree weather.

oh Dean, there have to be much cheaper ways of humiliating yourself.

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wednesday: introducing the shoplifters for liberty

wingnuts have a constant complaint about those of us on the left: all we want is free stuff. healthcare, a secure retirement, roads — just hand us that shit, bro.

well, guess who else wants free stuff: one of those Hitler-quoting transphobe busybodies, the Mothers for Liberty. except in this instance, it’s more like the Mothers for Liberating Things They Didn’t Pay For.

Collierville School Board Member Keri Blair resigned Tuesday, citing “personal, family reasons,” according to the school board.

This comes after she was arrested and charged on seven counts of property theft from the Collierville Target, according to the Collierville Police Department.

look at it this way, though: this Liberty Mom doesn’t want free shit handed to her — no, she’s showing good old American spirit and initiative by going out and taking what she wants.

it’s called manifest destiny, my dudes. we built a whole nation that way.

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thursday: the space lasers are at it again

professional lunatic Laura Loomer is very upset about how Nikki Haley is controlling the weather.

you see, the Iowa Caucus is on Monday, and Nikki is totally fucking it up for Trump voters by having the deep state create a massive blizzard on the same day.

think about it: snow in the dead of winter in Iowa — there can really be only one logical explanation for it: Nikki Haley and her fucking space lasers.

now, because I live in the real world and worms are not eating my brain, I had to google HAARP to learn what it is. basically, it’s a bunch of scientists shooting radio waves into the ionosphere to see what happens — in other words, it’s the kind of shit that the tin foil hat crowd gobbles up with a spoon.

at this point, you may be asking yourself — because worms are not eating away at your brain, either — how does a freak blizzard benefit Nikki Haley?

because of course bad weather only affects Trump voters, duh.

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friday: Bill O’Reilly never thought the leopards would eat his book about book-eating leopards

Republicans sure do love to ban them some books.

in fact, Florida schools just banned the fucking dictionary. after all, we can’t have darling little Buckley Jr. looking up the word “breast,” can we?

but it’s all fun and games until they ban your own poorly-written trash books, as serial-sexual-harassing falafel enthusiast Bill O’Reilly just found out.

hey, Florida, if you think Blowhard Bill’s craptastic books are unmitigated filth, wait until you see the transcripts of the phone calls he had with his harassment victims.

ugh.

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.