this week in stupid: January 11 edition
Kat protects it, MAGA wrecks it, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.
monday: smite this, you ill-tempered bastard
evangelical pastor Kent Christmas (definitely his real name, right?) is one of those holy rollers who apparently has God on speed-dial, and phones him up to shoot the shit. according to Kent, that rat bastard Sleepy Brandon is next in line for some good old Biblical retribution. let’s find out why.
“this is what I believe the Lord is saying. you’ve heard me say this, there is a natural death that’s getting ready to hit wicked people in this nation. and God said, ‘I’m getting ready to remove’ — and God help the man who gave a Presidential Medal of Freedom honor to George Soros. I have to defend God’s people today. hallelujah.”
God’s a bit of a dick, isn’t he? but to be honest, slaughtering someone for doling out a medal is kind of on-brand for God.
I mean, the Big Guy goes through the entire Old Testament smiting the shit out of anyone who looks at him funny. God’ll fuck someone up for the slightest provocation. look at what happened to Lot’s wife. one glance behind her and boom, she’s a pillar of salt. does that seem fair, or reasonable?
frankly, God could stand to take an anger-management course or two. take it down a notch or two, bro.
tuesday: angels with dirty faces … and big fucking guns
Bible-thumping oddity Kat Kerr is, in her own words, a “demon tormentor and Spiritual King.” her web site invites you to “discover what Heaven is like by someone who has been there many times.” clearly, Kat has a leg up on penny-ante guttersnipe preachers like Kent Christmas, who only have God’s phone number. Kat’s been to Heaven — many times. put that in your pipe and smoke it, Kent, you fucking slacker.
here’s another fun fact about Kat: she apparently commands an army of angels.
Kelsey O’Malley: “are you going to be sending a lot of the hosts to Trump’s inauguration? is there anything you’re feeling like that might try to be stopped?”
Kat Kerr: “I’ve already sent them. I send them on a regular basis. there’s a million right now that are posted to him. and, you know, they’re special ops hosts. special ops are the ones who have flesh on them. I have lined Pennsylvania Avenue with hosts. thousands upon thousands and thousands of them, lining the very route that he would have to take, the place that he will be standing to take his oath of office.”
wrap your mind around that. Kat isn’t just dealing with your standard-issue wings-and-harps-and-trumpets angels. she’s got a bunch of big, strong ‘special ops’ angels running around in tactical gear, tasked with keeping Donny Convict out of harm’s way.
she’s in charge of Ethereal Team Six!
and there are a million of them, right now, surrounding Dear Leader. no wonder this fucker sails through life, getting away with shit on one else can.
wednesday: y-m-c-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
MAGA moron here could teach a master class in how not to drive. in fact, schools should show this clip in driver’s ed classes, as a cautionary tale. just check out this extensive list of don’ts.
— don’t drive recklessly on snow-covered roads.
— don’t hold your phone in one hand while driving recklessly on snow-covered roads.
— don’t sing M-A-G-A to the tune of Y-M-C-A while holding your phone in one hand while driving recklessly on snow-covered roads.
— and, for fuck’s sake, don’t announce that “God has cleared a path for us today” JUST BEFORE YOU CRASH YOUR CAR because you were singing M-A-G-A to the tune of Y-M-C-A while holding your phone in one hand while driving recklessly on snow-covered roads.
know what? I think Mr. Retribution himself, God, zapped this fucker for being a dipshit. or maybe Kat Kerr sent one of her big beefy special-ops angels to do the job.
thursday: like we have time for this nonsense
absurd conspiracy artifact Naomi Wolf is there in history and must ask the questions.
“Are your friends in LA not reacting to danger in an expected way? Are they almost in a trance? Multiple confirmations independently that suggest that this is the case, including from a therapist who says her patients are not reacting normally. Could a mood stabilizer of some kind be in what was sprayed, or do weather manipulation waves entrain human thought patterns in some way? We are there in history and must ask the questions.”
Dr. Wolf, I’m also there in history and I, too, must ask one very cogent question: what the fuck are you smoking?
friday: a fool and his eyelashes are soon parted
check out this pantload of toxic masculinity on steroids. the fragilest goofuses on the planet are shaving off their eyelashes because they’re worried that long lashes make them look feminine.
oh good. now this bro is def going to get more attention from women — because they’re going to be staring and him and going what the fuck is wrong with that weirdo’s eyelashes?
incels, can we chat? listen up: stop fucking worrying about what looks masculine and what looks feminine. just grow a personality and treat women like people, and you’ll do fine. trust me.
hell, look at Keith Richards.
dude wears eyeliner, is about two hundred years old — and he’s still getting more action than all the rest of us combined.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Imagine being an angel up in Heaven, getting yourself all jacked up into fighting shape, eagerly anticipating your new assignment back down on Earth...and you find out you're just gonna have to stand around on the street in frigid weather while the motorcade of the worst person this country ever produced rolls by you and a bunch of people too dumb to operate a Slinky scream their faces off like it's 1964 and Paul McCartney is peeking out of the SUV window.
Wotta world Wotta world. Kat seemed to be winning the batshit battle until the ever reliable Naomi W. entered the contest. Then the bookies cleaned up. She’s the Secretariat of nutsoville. No contest. Took it by 17-1/2 lengths.