this week in stupid: January 10 edition
Handy Oakley fucks it up, Donny Convict mucks it up, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: you gotta hand it to her — or not
this week, five-time international lap-hockey champion Handy Oakley confounded us all by doing a good thing, for once in her life. she voted in favor of a bill to extend Obamacare subsidies for three years.
but don’t get too excited — it turns out Handy’s random act of kindness wasn’t what it seemed, and she went running to Elon’s Nazi Bar and Child Porn Emporium to explain that it was all mistake.
how do you fuck that up? is the House voting process that complicated? now, since I’m a responsible journalist and everything, I googled ‘what is the mechanism for voting in the house of representatives,’ and this is what I learned.
Members use a personalized voting card to cast their vote at one of the 47 voting stations located around the House chamber. They insert the card and press the “Yea” (for approval), “Nay’ (for disapproval), or “Present” (to abstain) button.
that’s it? oh, come on — how much of a low-wattage shitwit do you have to be to get pressing a button wrong?
so, what’s her excuse? it couldn’t have been that House chamber is dimly lit, because as we all know, Handy is super talented at finding things in the dark.
tuesday: pining for a McDonald’s in my fjord
you’ll be shocked, I’m sure, to learn that the MAGAverse is totally down with Dear Leader’s expansionist fantasies of a Greater America extending from the North Pole to the South. so of course they are all-in on Greenland becoming our — our what? fifty-first state? fifty-second? remind me, is Venezuela a state yet?
anyway, the cultists are already creating their own AI slop heralding the dawning of a New Greenland. oh my god, this rando has invented ‘strip-mall colonialism.’
“SOON the people of Greenland will be free.”
free? from what? universal healthcare and democracy?
what, you think Greenland wants to trade that away so they can have a McDonald’s? are you fucking serious?
look at this AI-generated lunacy.
free clue for MAGA: no Greenlander is pining for a Target, you stupid fucks — they’ve got fjords.
by the way, the reason there are currently no Targets or McDonald’s in Greenland — (yes, I googled it. it’s called being a responsible journalist, duh!) — is because it’s not economically feasible. there are only 50,000 residents in the entire country.
wednesday: quackity-bye
on Wednesday, Bobby Brainworms Jr and the Shitblizzard of Oz held a press conference to announce they’d crackpotted up a whole slew of new dietary guidelines for Americans.
spoiler alert: there was no reason at all to tune in, unless you were really that curious to learn about the new minimum daily adult requirement for dead bear cub meat.
if you did catch the presser, however, you were treated to the spectacle of Bobby’s phone ringing — because the dumbfuck forgot to turn the damned thing off — and that’s when we all learned that Bobby’s ringtone is a duck call.
this fucking guy.
first of all, dude looks like a burlap sack of beef jerky that’s been left out in the sun for too long. he talks like he’s gargled all the Drano. he’s a sewage-swimming lunatic who doesn’t understand how germs work. he’s hell-bent on Making Polio Great Again — and now, to top that all of his annoying ringtone is a fucking duck call.
the question must be asked: why a duck?
I guess the sound of a whale head being chainsawed isn’t available for download anywhere?
thursday: blessed are the intolerant fuckfaces, said no one ever
MAGAfied christofascist pastor Dale Partridge seems nice.
“what is feminism, and why is it killing America? at its core, feminism is a form of transgenderism.”
why are we even bothering to give words meaning any more, if hate-mongering scuzzbuckets like Pastor Dale are just going ignore that shit, and string them together in whatever order pleases then?
could these tiresome scolds please take ten seconds out of their miserable, joyless lives to stop proclaiming that ‘everything I don’t like is transgenderism.’
MAGA, please stop being so obsessed with what’s going on in everyone’s underwear, or we’re going to have to start accusing you of protesting too much.
friday: the further adventures of some fucking idiot
on Friday, some fucking idiot had only one item on his public schedule — a meeting with oil and gas executives — and he still managed to fuck it up.
the fucking idiot wore a lapel pin of himself.
why? is it so he can look down and remember who he is, in case he forgets? is he that demented?
I’m sure the Big Oil bigwigs who took time out of their busy schedules to visit the White House were super pumped to hear the fucking idiot blither about random shit that never happened.
“I feel I won Minnesota. I think I won it all three times. Nobody has won it since Richard Nixon won it many many years ago. I won it all three times in my opinion. It's a corrupt state ... I did so well in that state. The people were crying every time after.”
here we go again with the big, strong voters blubbering their eyes out. good for you, grandpa. you won three elections that you didn’t win. bueno. now here’s your pudding cup, it’s time for bed.
the fucking idiot also managed to both whine about not getting a Nobel Peace Prize and threaten a military invasion of Greenland, in practically the same breath.
the fucking idiot also shit all over the memory of the innocent woman who his ICE thugs straight-up murdered.
ugh. just ugh.
handed a private note by Liddle Marco, the fucking idiot read it out loud.
“You’re all gonna do very well—Marco just gave me a note. ‘Go back to Chevron, they want to discuss something,’” Trump read, turning to look at Chevron Vice Chairman Mark Nelson. “Go ahead, I’m going back to Chevron, Mark.”Rubio grimaced uncomfortably, as Trump patted him on the back. “Thank you, Marco,” he said.
by the way, if Big Oil really does invest billions in rebuilding Venezuela’s infrastructure, it’s going to be because someone held a gun to their heads and forced them to. they’ve already made it clear that Dear Leader is living in a dream world if he thinks glomming those oil reserves is going to be a piece of cake.
“Exxon’s chief flat-out called Venezuela ‘uninvestable’ without massive legal and commercial changes.”
but I saved the stupidest for last. at one point during the meeting, the fucking idiot stood up, waddled to the door, and announced ‘hold on, I gotta look at this myself.’
then, staring into the now-empty space where the East Wing was razed to make room for his beloved Epstein Dance Hall, the fucking idiot excitedly burbled ‘wow. what a view! this is the door to the ballroom!’ — as one does, when one is a fucking idiot whose demented brain has completely ossified.
wrap your mind around that. the fucking idiot actually interrupted a meeting with oil execs so he could stare out a window at a building that doesn’t exist.
and, despite all that dumb-assery going on right in front of them, not one reporter stood up to ask ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’
how fucking idiotic is that?
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
957 / 1046
This week—out of so many fucking terrible weeks under this stupid fascist regime—may be the worst one…yet.
I don’t want that sentence to age badly, let’s hope it doesn’t.
I keep circling back to Renee, and how her literal last name was GOOD—yet they are trying their damnedest to smear her as BAD.
We cannot let that happen. We must remain loud and persistent. We can do that!
Protests, funding mutual aid, or your favorite independent writers, calling your congressman daily. These all make a difference.
Let’s do this and vow for no more weeks worse than this one. Stay strong friends.
"not one reporter stood up to ask ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?" evergreen...unlike Greenland which was named Greenland to fool the colonists into thinking it was green. For the same reason Iceland was named Iceland, to fool the colonists into thinking it was ice. I'm betting gop doesn't know any of this.