this week in stupid: February 18 edition
Donny sells his shoes, racists get the blues, and so much more ...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.
monday: duke of dipshit speaks out
America’s Top Racists are fucking apoplectic.
Beyoncé has recorded a country song, and the worst people in the world are outraged that a black woman would be allowed to do this.
their argument is basically “if we can’t say the N-word, why do those people get to sing about pickup trucks?”
blonde OAN bobblehead: “the lefties in the entertainment industry just won’t leave any area alone, right? they just have to seize control over every aspect, don’t they?”
John Schneider: “they’ve got to make their mark, just like a dog in a dog walk park where every dog has to mark every tree, right? so that’s what’s going on here.”
John Schneider’s claim to fame, by the way, was pretending to be an ignorant backwoods yokel on a TV show 45 years ago, except for the part where he apparently wasn’t pretending.
tuesday: because fuck you, that’s why
on Tuesday, House Republicans finally achieved their wet dream of impeaching Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, because reasons.
South Carolina Republican Ralph Norman said the quiet part out loud.
reporter: “how does impeaching Secretary Mayorkas fix the problem at the border?”
Norman: “who said it was gonna fix the problem?”
let’s at least give Rep. Norman props for honesty. impeaching Mayorkas won’t do shit to solve anything, but it will inject pure dopamine into the spite-receptors in every Republican brain, and that’s really all that matters.
remember, Republicans don’t want to fix the border. they want to whine about the border.
if they wanted to fix the border, they’d have voted to pass budget legislation, instead of wasting everyone’s time on a pointless impeachment that will be dead on arrival in the Senate. but fixing the border would deny Dear Leader the only campaign issue he has left — aside from please don’t let me die in prison — so fuck doing any productive shit.
wednesday: wut
“nearly one in five Americans believe that pop singer Taylor Swift is part of a secret government effort to help Joe Biden win the presidential election, a new poll says.”
I don’t even know what to say about this, except that one out of every five Americans is a moron.
thursday: love, Fox News style
noted relationship counselor Jesse Watters has some advice for you lonely losers out there: get married, you’ll be happier.
as always with these Fox News fucknuts, watch what they do, not what they say.
because when I want advice on domestic bliss, I turn to the guy who cheated on his first wife with his future second wife, a co-worker 15 years his junior.
two wives, by the way, is known as a Half Trump. Jesse’s only short a third wife and a porn actress to achieve Full Trump status.
friday: welcome to asshole academy
hey, wimp! got fifteen grand lying around? why not give it to some roid-rage reject who will then abuse you at the top of his lungs and turn you into a manly man.
it’s called Alpha Male Boot Camp, and for a cool $15k they’ll tranform you from a meek milquetoast to a shouty asshole — apparently by shoving you around and bullying the fuck out of you, while screaming about what a shitbag you are.
here’s what these nitwits continue to get wrong about alpha dominance in the animal kingdom: the alpha isn’t the loudest, most-aggressive douchebag in the pack. alphas are quiet, because they know they’re at the top. they exude confidence.
it’s the yappy ones who are constantly squabbling and fighting each other for power who are the betas.
and who’s the yappiest dingus on the planet, always strutting about, trying to convince the world he’s something he’s not? none other than Donald Trump.
that’s right, Dear Leader is just a big fucking beta loser.
you’re welcome. that will be 15 thousand dollars.
saturday: introducing sneakers that smell like ass
Little Donny Fuckface showed up at SneakerCon on Saturday to push his latest grift — unspeakably ugly $399.00 gold-painted sneakers — because I guess that’s what you do when you’ve been hit with a $450-million-and-increasing-daily judgement, and Bone Saw Arabia no longer returns your phone calls.
the Philly crowd was not impressed, and Trump got loudly booed.
but Donny did find one gullible incel willing to shell out five grand for an autographed pair.
so now Trump only needs to sell another 1.2 million pairs of his shithole shoes to erase his debt.
we’d love to help out but we need that money for tuition to Alpha Boot Camp.
sunday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.
Donny coats everything in fake gold to mask the shittiness of his products. A fucking sneaker salesman who's barred from doing business in NY state wants to rule - not run, but rule the country and millions of MAGA idiots can't wait. The booing is encouraging.
Yeah, who better to have a sneaker line than a bloated, whale who can’t walk down a ramp without assistance? Trump thinks he’s the new Shaq or Michael Jordan. He’s calling his new shoes Never Surrender, because Air Bone Spurs doesn’t have the right ring to it.