this week in stupid: December 9 edition

Jeanine Pirro guzzles, Charlie Kirk puzzles, and so much more ...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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sunday: worst drunk history reboot ever

noted historian and wine-soaked pretend-judge Jeanine Pirro, a woman whose blood-alcohol level should preclude her from sitting upright in a chair, has a heartwarming message of inclusiveness for America’s indigenous population:

“get over it.”

for those keeping score at home, add “genocide of the native population” to the list of things Fox News insists we should just get the fuck over — a list that already includes “two hundred years of enslavement of black people and the century and a half of insitutionalized racism that followed it” and “the Holocaust.”

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monday: new Biden scandal drops

it’s over for the Biden Crime Family. get ready for prison, Sleepy Joe! James Comer has all the evidence he needs to finally put you and your creepy penis-having son in prison for life. are you ready? here we go:

in 2018, Joe Biden helped his son Hunter buy a car by loaning him $4,140 for the down payment. a few month later, Hunter paid him back.

now, I know what you’re going to ask: on what fucking planet is that a scandal?

settle down, and let’s give Jimmy C. a chance to explain.

“you can loan people money. if they pay you back, then you benefitted directly.”

wut?

no, seriously — wut?

James, have you been nipping from Jeanine Pirro’s private reserve again?

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tuesday: day one dipshit

91-count felony factory Little Donny Diaperstain held a Fox News town hall, hosted by Chief Trump Apologist Sean Hannity.

Hannity dutifully did his job, which was to gently lob softball questions right down the middle of the plate.

“you would never abuse power as retribution against anybody.”

Donny did his job, which was to completely muff it, in the stupidest way possible:

“except for day one.”

ah yes, the Day One Dictator, which is definitely a thing we’ve seen throughout history. remember how Pol Pot and Josef Stalin both famously promised to be one-day-only dictators?

of course you don’t.

the super fucking hilarious part is that every other Fox show had to take Trump’s moronic brain fart seriously. here was the crawl on the Fox Business channel throughout the following day:

“Trump can dictate me on day one,” mumbles Jeanine Pirro, passed out face-down in her mashed potatoes.

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wednesday: how dare they not pick Andrew Tate

Time Magazine named Taylor Swift their Person of the Year. that’s not the stupid part, that’s the cool part.

here’s the stupid part:

yup, America’s toxic male turdballs are having a Big Mad Meldown over this, because this talented young progressive woman — an actual self-made billionaire, unlike Emerald Mine Heir Space Nazi and inheritance-squandering Donny Trump — is capturing the world’s attention, while they’re still tweeting into the wind from mommy’s basement.

how dare they not pick a man? a manly conservative man. just as God ordained.

I’m sure this bellyaching dipshit wishes he could travel back to the good old days of 1938, when Time named Adolf Hitler their Man of the Year.

what do you think, Jeanine?

“Hitler! he made the trains run on time! or wait, was that Musholin … Musso … Mushy … the Italian guy. dictator for one day. burrrrrrrp.”

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thursday: worst reefer madness reboot ever

last month, the voters of Ohio legalized weed. that didn’t sit well with professional marijuana scold Aubree Adams.

“voters were fooled ... one swallow of alcohol can’t induce psychotic behavior. but one swallow of a marijuana edible can ... two hits from a marijuana bong can.”

yeah, no.

Aubree, can we have some of what you’re smoking? because I’ve done a shitload of bong hits in my life and I’m still waiting for that sweet, sweet psychotic behavior to kick in.

to which Jeanine Pirro shouts, “hear! hear!” before sliding out of her chair and passing out on the floor.

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friday: oh shit, Charlie Kirk is on to us

it’s getting harder and harder for the wingnut noise machine to hide the fact that the GOP leadership is made up of morons. so much nincompoopery to explain away, so little time.

how could this have happened? professional found object Charlie Kirk has it figured out: all these upper-echelon idiots, they’re secret Democrats, the whole lot of them, sent to infiltrate and sabotage the Republican Party.

“you’re a loser. a professional Romney infiltrating loser. is there any difference now between the RNC and the DNC? I have a real question: is Ronna McRomney there to make sure we lose in 2024? I am telling president Trump, privately and publicly, he better remove her. does Ronna Romney want Donald Trump in prison? that’s a really interesting question. is she an op? … and I really think she’s an infiltration at this point. I think she is an infiltration.”

to which Jeanine Pirro rouses herself — mashed potatoes stuck to her face — and mutters “Charlie, are you drunk?” before passing out again.

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.