this week in stupid: December 6 edition

Donny Convict wears it, Kash Patel snares it, and so much more...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

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monday: fishes like no one thought possible

as Jesus sagely counseled us in his Sermon on the Mount, blessed are the dipshits, for they will crap their dumbfuckery all over social media.

exhibit A: internet found object Nick Adams.

oh look, it’s the parable of the fishes and the loaves, wherein Jesus, armed with two fish and five loaves, miraculously feeds five thousand of his faithful flock. and I guess that Donny Convict is our modern-day Jesus? whatever you say, MAGA. I’m pretty sure that if Jesus returned today, he wouldn’t be some racist kiddie-fiddler.

have you ever noticed that every time the cultists wants to show an image of Dear Leader helping someone, it has to be ginned up by AI?

hey MAGA — why don’t you show a real photo of Donny being helpful? oh that’s right: there aren’t any.

let’s get real. we all know what would happen if Donny decided to get into the fishes and loaves business.

first of all, fuck that ‘give it away for free’ shit. that’s not how Preznit Greedface rolls. dude’s always gotta make a buck. so he’d sit himself down and record a video announcing Trump Fishloaves™. he’d go on and on about how these are amazing fishloaves, beautiful, delicious fishloaves, possibly the greatest fishloaves of all time. and then he’d set up a web site and start taking pre-orders for $499.00.

and every MAGA shitwit would be all ‘shut up and take my money’ — because stupid doesn’t magically cure itself overnight.

and then, six months later, some reporter would go ‘hey, whatever happened to those Trumploaves™?’ — and the answer would be bupkis. zip. nada. because the whole fucking thing was a scam from the get-go — just like those $499.00 Trump phones.

and then we’d find out that the gluttonous fuck ate all the fishes and loaves himself, in one sitting.

but sure, MAGA. you keep telling yourselves how Dear Leader is some awesome humanitarian. it’s such a cool story.

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tuesday: blessed are the gullible

podcast bro Joe Rogan’s whole deal is that he’s a credulous meathead. he’ll sit there like a lump as some raving conspiracy loon barks out the batshittiest fever-swamp hallucinations imaginable — after which Joe will nod his head, take a long drag off a joint, and go ‘huh. I didn’t know that.’

but Joe’s not above making his own nonsensical high-as-fuck pronouncements.

“Jesus was born out of a virgin mother. what’s more virgin than a computer? if Jesus does return, even if Jesus was a physical person in the past, you don’t think he could return as artificial intelligence? artificial intelligence could absolutely return as Jesus.”

I think it’s high time (see what I did there?) for Joe Rogan to put down the joint — because I’m pretty sure he meant ‘Jesus could absolutely return as AI.’

this unknown twitterer says it far better than I ever could.

as someone who attended high school in the early 1970s and had many friends with older brothers, I can confirm that this is 100% true.

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wednesday: blessed are the fuckfaces

are you a devout, godfearing MAGA woman who can’t find a husband? well, listen up — because Christian nationalist fascist Joel Webbon has some advice for you.

“lose 20 to 30 pounds.”

I have some advice for MAGA men who can’t find a wife: grow a personality — and try to be less of a hateful asshole.

I know it’s hard, but try.

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thursday: Kash and carry

Thursday’s big news was the announcement that the person suspected of planting bombs at the DNC and RNC headquarters the night before January 6, 2021 had finally been apprehended. and — spoiler alert — it wasn’t (as so many on social media had hoped) a certain three-toed freak of nature.

put your disappointment aside for a moment, because — hey, you want to see in-way-over-his-head FBI Director Krazee-Eyes Kash Patel drag irony out back to the gravel pit and shoot it in the head?

“when you attack our nation’s Capitol, you attack the very being of our way of life. we will always refute it and combat it.”

seriously, there, Kash? always?

fact check: fuck all the way off.

because Dear Leader pardoned all fifteen hundred of these Capitol-attacking shitheads on his very first day in office.

oh, and here’s a fun fact.

the suspect is a Trumper, so no one should be surprised when he gets pardoned, too.

pretty suspicious timing, to catch this guy right now. the only thing you need to know about this whole dog-and-pony show is that Donny’s name is on every page of the Epstein Files.

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friday: the further adventures of some fucking idiot

on Friday, some fucking idiot started his day by announcing that he had “just approved TINY CARS to be built in America.”

you’re welcome, America!

what the crap? does the fucking idiot not understand how free enterprise works? anyone who wants to build a TINY CAR already has the freedom to do so. they don’t need some kingly proclamation of approval. for fuck’s sake, his entire administration already fits in a tiny car.

can we not, at long last, confine this fucking idiot to a padded room? maybe one with a throne in it, where he can sit all day long and make royal declarations to his heart’s content. ‘I have just approved UNDERWEAR to be worn on everyone’s heads. ENJOY!!!’

anyway, after that bit of dumb-assery, it was off to the main event. the fucking idiot was awarded the FIFA Peace Prize.

which turned out to be a cheap piece of gold-plated metal that he hung around his neck.

does the fucking idiot not grasp that the entire world is pissing its pants laughing at him right now? he’s the only person who isn’t aware that he’s an overgrown child being handed an imaginary Very Special Boy Participation Trophy. he took the whole farcical spectacle seriously.

he’s a joke — an international joke being told at America’s expense. it’s all so embarrassing.

but the fucking idiot’s day wasn’t over yet. he had one more trick up his sleeve. he announced that he was ending free admission to national parks on Juneenth and Martin Luther King Day — as one does when one is a demented racist.

oh, but the fucking idiot did add one new free admission day: June 14th, the fucking idiot’s own birthday — as one does when one is a demented narcissist.

YOU’RE WELCOME, AMERICA!!!

and not one worthless scribbler of the corporate-controlled media stood up to ask ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’

how fucking idiotic is that?

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

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do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

922 / 1011