this week in stupid: December 20 edition
MAGA defames it, Donny renames it, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: ’tis the season to be batshit
Christmas is mere days away, so let’s take a peek into the MAGAsphere and see how they’ve been decking their halls.
now there’s a role model.
‘look darlings, it’s Dear Leader’s mug shot.’
what’s a mug shot, mommy?
‘it’s the photo they took of Dear Leader the day he was arrested in Fulton County, Georgia, for election fraud.’
what’s election fraud, mommy?
MAGA, I beg of you — please don’t do this to your children. they’re young and innocent. don’t fill their heads with your psychotic hero worship. give them the space to grow up and make their own mistakes. they don’t need to repeat yours. trust me, it will be fewer hours spent in therapy when they’re adults.
hey, you know who else headed up a cult that encouraged its children to worship in front of loyalty shrines of their supreme leader? of course you do.
tuesday: don we now our what kind of apparel
perhaps MAGA’s spiritual leaders have a better handle on the true holiday spirit. let’s check in with Pastor Hank Kunneman and see how he’s been ’tis-the-seasoning.
“how ’bout when he told the disciples and said ‘hey, go tell Herod, the fox.’ now that word, ‘fox,’ was not ‘oh, go tell that sly guy,’ no, the literal translation of ‘sly fox’ is basically someone who is bisexual. I’ve heard some people use the word faggot — that it literally meant to call out Herod’s sexual immorality.”
oh lovely, Pastor Hank has conjured up Homophobic Slur Jesus — the one who filled his supplicants’ ears with hateful crap like ‘don’t love thy neighbor, that shit’s gay as fuck.’
now, I freely admit that I’m no religious scholar. I don’t know dick about if Herod had a hankering for dicks. maybe Pastor Hank knows something I don’t. so I googled it, just to make sure — because I’m a responsible journalist and everything.
nope, sorry. while there are differing opinions on exactly what Jesus meant by ‘sly fox,’ there’s no interpretation (save for Pastor Hank’s) where Herod is way into dudes.
wednesday: deck the halls with boughs of wait a minute
fuck these young upstarts like Pastor Hank. they’re too steeped in MAGA to be of any use to anyone. let’s go old-school, and see what Franklin Graham’s been up to.
here’s the Frankster, giving a pep talk at the Department of War (his words, not mine).
“but did you know that God also hates? do you know that God also is a God of war? many people don’t want to think about that.”
oh for fuck’s sake, it’s Christmas time. what kind of ’tis-the-season messaging is that?
come on bro, that’s the old testament god, the one who hates. yeah, he’s a bit of a dick, always raining down plagues and smiting the shit out of his enemies and whatnot.
why is Franklin Graham harshing our mellow with that shit? that’s not what Christmas is all about. bro, we’re doing Jesus this month. you know, the new testament guy. the ‘prince of peace’ who threw all that hate stuff out the window. the feed-the-poor-and-help-the-needy homey. the love-thy-neighbor dude. get with the program already, Frank.
I’m a Jew, dammit. how did it become my job to explain to these shitkazoos how Christianity works? this is way beyond my pay-grade.
oh, and I’ve got a news flash for Reverend Graham — it’s not the Department of War. it’s the Department of Flipping a Skateboard Into Your Own Nuts.
thursday: troll the ancient yule-tide excuse me now?
this is getting frustrating. doesn’t anyone in the MAGAverse understand the true meaning of Christmas?
oh wait — here’s the Department of Homeland security with a surprisingly appropriate and heartfelt message: ‘go home for the holidays.’
awwww, isn’t that sweet? how nice that— [taps earpiece] hang on, I’m being told that if you click the link in that tweet, it takes you to a page for ‘self-deporting.’
fuck me, are you serious with this shit?
can’t you racists give your hateful bullshit a rest for one week? is that really too much to ask?
come on, it’s Christmas. the holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus, the immigrant with the Spanish name who, if he left the door open and you said to him, ‘hey Jesus, were you born in a barn?’ he would literally answer yes.
no one encouraged Joseph and Mary to click the link to self-deport. if they did, we wouldn’t even have a fucking holiday.
look at me. once again, it’s the Jew who has to explain Christmas. is the whole world on crazy pills?
friday: the further adventures of some fucking idiot
some fucking idiot’s Friday got off to a splendiferous start, with his hand-picked flunkies at the DOJ announcing that they were going to miss their court-ordered deadline to release the Dead Pedo Bestie Files by December 19th.
but they pinky-swore that they would make some Pedo Files available by the end of the day.
the fucking idiot then went ahead and had his accursed name added to the Kennedy Center building — despite being prohibited by law from doing so.
and because apparently no one in the White House understands how grammar works, the name of the building is now The Donald J. Trump And The John F. Kennedy Memorial Center For The Performing Arts.
my god, they’re all just as fucking idiotic as the fucking idiot.
you know who else appropriated a beloved cultural institution and made it a monument to his own vanity, don’t you? of course you do.
oh look! the DOJ actually released a handful of Dead Pedo Bestie files — which was awesome, except for the part where hundreds upon hundreds of pages were completely redacted.
thank you so much, DOJ!
by the way, while every other news outlet was poring over the Dead Pedo Bestie Files, here’s what Fox News was covering.
the fucking idiot then boarded Idiot Force One to spend Christmas Week at his vermin-infested Florida golf model.
on the way down to Motel-a-Lago, he stopped in off in North Carolina to give a very dignified and presidential speech, during which he waxed romantic about his Slovenian rent-a-wife’s panties.
and not one worthless scribbler of the corporate-controlled media stood up to ask ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’
how fucking idiotic is that?
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
936 / 1025
note for Ellis Weiner, if you're out there: I'm pretty sure I cribbed 'hey Jesus, shut the door' from a forty-something-year-old issue of National Lampoon
Thanks for your review Jeff. One item not mentioned was that fucking hole where our East Wing of our White House was demolished. No permits, no architect, no construction company, no review by the National Historic Preservation Board, no congressional approval. … just torn down in the middle of the night on the whim of a brain addled, dementia, narcissistic, entitled, arrogant POS. I mean WTF? And then his speech last night, talking about his wife’s briefs? None of this is normal, he is not normal, his cult is not normal… Best to All