this week in stupid: August 3 edition

Jesse Watters puzzles it, Jeanine Pirro guzzles it, and so much more...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

this week, it’s a Kamala Harris special, as the Vice President has broken the brains of the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex.

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monday: Kamala has broken this dipshit‘s brain

a couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the hapless goofball who runs Let’s Go Brandon store in Toms River, NJ, and I asked the commenters to come up with a new name for his now-obsolete store. my favorite suggestion was “Going Out Of Business.”

Vincent Scuzzese, the proprietor of the Let’s Go Brandon Store, did not listen to us. he’s come up a new name all on his own: the Let’s Go Brenda Store. yay.

oh look, he’s selling t-shirts.

don’t worry, Vinny’s still hawking your favorite Donny Convict merch.

Opened close to three years ago, the Let’s Go Brandon shop carries everything from Trumpy Bears and Trump Cotton Candy Hair to Make Honey Great Again honey, which comes in a Trump-shaped squeeze bottle, and Trump hand puppets.

what, no Make Shitting Yourself Great Again Adult Diapers? Vinny, that’s a missed opportunity right there.

tell me it’s not a weird-ass cult.

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tuesday: Kamala has broken Jesse Watters’ brain

Fox News found object Jesse Watters is super fucking annoyed at men who intend to vote for Kamala. a man voting for a woman isn’t just morally wrong — there are also dire biological consequences at stake. Jesse isn’t just blowing smoke, folks, no — he’s got science on his side.

“I heard a scientist say the other day, when a man votes for a woman, he actually transitions into a woman.”

Jesse, one question: is this scientist in the room with us right now?

seriously, bro, what quote-unquote “scientist” have you been talking to? was it Ivanka Trump?

my dude, Ivanka Trump is not a real scientist — just like she’s not a real G7 leader. she just plays dress-up to please the father who wants to “date” her. the scientist thing was just a photo-op for one of daddy’s perpetual “infrastructure weeks.”

but I digress. please, Jesse, tell us more about this “transitioning” thing. would it also happen if a man votes for Kari Lake? are you saying the Arizona’s menfolk need to be voting for Democrat Ruben Gallego, else they start sprouting bodacious boobies?

thanks for the warning, ace. Gallego it is.

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wednesday: Kamala has broken Tom Fitton’s brain

Judicial Watch honcho Tom Fitton is not a lawyer — but that doesn’t stop him from doling out batshit crazy legal advice.

Tom’s the homeboy who advised Donny Convict that it was perfectly legal to steal classified nuclear war plans and hide them in the shitter of his tacky Florida golf motel. (which, if you think about it, does make Tom qualified to be a Florida fanboy judge — or a corrupt Supreme Court Justice).

here, Tom shows us why you should never mistake the barking noises inside your own head for a credible news source.

“breaking news that the 25th Amendment was used as a threat against Joe Biden by Barack Obama, Harris, and Pelosi to force him out of the campaign. if true, it would be a crime, but obviously the Justice Department isn’t going to do much of an investigation — but you can be sure Judicial Watch will. we’ve already launched an investigation into the 25th Amendment.”

I love that this imaginary ‘breaking news’ was of such earth-shattering importance that Tom whipped out his phone, mid-escalator journey, and started recording himself.

let’s break this down. Tom is pissed off that Obama and Kamala committed the “crime” of … threatening to use 25th Amendment on Joe Biden?

hang on. a month ago, Tommy was also pissed off at Kamala for not using the 25th Amendment.

which is it, pal?

this is the awesome thing about being being part of the wingnut noise machine: it doesn’t matter what you say, or that it conflicts with what you said yesterday. it doesn’t matter if you’re right or wrong. it doesn’t even matter if you’re just making shit up. all that matters is that you pleased Dear Leader — and that the rubes keep donating to your fake legal advocacy org.

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thursday: Kamala has broken Jeanine Pirro’s brain

America’s Drunkest Judge is here to blow the whistle on another latest imaginary Kamala scandal.

“her past is something that she should be embarrassed about. her past three and a half years in the White House has been a joke. you have to look at this woman and say, y’know, is she sober during the last three and a half years.?”

where is Judge Drunkie getting her information? does she, like Tom Fitton, have barking noises in her head?

does Jeanine’s elevated blood-alcohol level confer some sort of ‘drunkdar’ onto her, where she can just look at someone and go oh, yeah, shitfaced.

or is it just that once again, every Republican accusation is actually a confession?

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friday: Kamala has broken The New York Times’s brain

last night, Donny Convict took to his crappy app to blurt the following hallucination.

“I have agreed with FoxNews to debate Kamala Harris on Wednesday, September 4th. The Debate was previously scheduled against Sleepy Joe Biden on ABC, but has been terminated in that Biden will no longer be a participant, and I am in litigation against ABC Network and George Slopadopoulos, thereby creating a conflict of interest. The FoxNews Debate will be held in the Great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, at a site in an area to be determined. The Moderators of the Debate will be Bret Baier and Martha MacCallum, and the Rules will be similar to the Rules of my Debate with Sleepy Joe, who has been treated horribly by his Party – BUT WITH A FULL ARENA AUDIENCE!…”

here’s the important part: Donny is making shit up.

Fox News has not proposed any such debate. they haven’t set a date, or named moderators, or set a location — or any fucking thing. the only thing actual fact in Donny’s post is that he’s chickening out of his already-agreed-upon debate with Kamala on September 10th. the rest of it is just bullshit — but that didn’t stop the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media from uncritically swallowing this jungle-swamp fever-dream.

look at how the New York Fucking Times reported on Donny’s late-night adderall-fueled fantasy.

Jesus H. Christ on a candy cane, we’re nine years into this long national nightmare of a cheap, gaudy conman hoodwinking the press over and over into reporting fiction as fact — and in all that time, they haven’t learned one fucking thing.

oh look: after getting dogpiled on social media, the Times changed their headline.

you stupid idiots. how about reporting on actual news instead of scrolling through Donny’s batshit posts and treating them as gospel?

also: how much do you want to bet that Fox News will now “announce” a Sept 4 debate and pretend it was their idea all along?

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.