this week in stupid: August 26 edition

Penny's in a pan, Kristi's doing the best she can, and so much more ...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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monday: bordering on insanity

Republicans sure do love to whine about America’s totally imaginary border crisis, and if you’re the Republican governor of a border state, it’s a piece of cake to motorcade down to the Mexican border and brag about the razor wire death traps you’ve hidden in the Rio Grande.

but when you’re the Republican governor of some interior state, it’s hard to join the fun. you have to twist yourself into a rhetorical pretzel to come up with reasons why the border crisis includes the border your state shares with Nebraska.

but that didn’t stop South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem from trying.

“the people of South Dakota live on the front line of this mess every single day.”

may we suggest investing in a little razor wire, Kristi? because fuck those border-crossing Nebraskans. let them go back to where they came from.

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tuesday: what kind of monster pets a dog

on Tuesday, Joe Biden traveled to Maui to meet with emergency responders and survivors of the wildfires in Hawaii. while there, Joe petted a dog, and the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex completely lost their shit.

JOE BIDEN PETTED A DOG. IMPEACH IMPEACH!

because every good Republican knows that you don’t pet a dog. you torture and murder a dog. you strap a dog to the roof of your car and let it shit in fear. but pet a dog? what kind of monster pets a dog?

by the way, the “that’s some hot ground” remark is in reference to the fact that the dog was part of a rescue team going into wildfire areas to search for survivors. Joe was concerned for the dog’s well-being, you fucking ghouls.

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wednesday: meet Penny, the fetus who refused to be aborted

the entire Republican debate on Wednesday was a neutron-star-dense brick of stupid, but the crowning moment of peak stupid came when Ron DeSantis told the story of his friend, Penny.

Penny, you see, simply refused to be aborted. her mother tried and failed numerous times to get rid of Penny, but the wily fetus was too smart for her.

when fetal Penny was at 23 weeks, the doctors and Penny’s mom finally succeeded, but our story doesn’t end there. Penny was left in a pan to die — but when no one was looking, Penny’s grandmother stealthily absconded with Penny and brought her to another hospital to be cared for, and spoiler alert: Penny lives to this day.

it’s a heartwarming story, except for the part where it’s utter fucking crazypants hogwash.

because the person who claims to be Penny was born in 1955 — and a 23-week-old fetus had an exactly zero percent chance of surviving outside the womb in 1955, before life-saving neo-natal technology was a thing.

lie better, Ron DeSantis, you fucking homunculus.

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thursday: meet Brad, the homeschooled legal eagle

every weirdo came crawling out of the woodwork on Thursday to show their support for Donald Trump on the day of his booking in Atlanta.

Brad Barnes is a man who does his own research, and that apparently includes legal research. Brad was on the scene to arrest Fani Willis on four charges — of, well, all kinds of illegal shit and stuff — but basically because Donald Trump should be allowed to do anything he wants, and Fani Willis is a big meanie for trying to stop him.

check and mate, Fani. better start practicing your mug shot frown.

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friday: first they came for the light bulbs, and I didn’t speak out—

… because no one is coming for the light bulbs, you paranoid idiots.

then they came for the toilets, and I didn’t speak out— because no one is coming for the toilets, you bloviating gasbags.

then they came for the gas stoves, and I didn’t speak out— because no one is coming for the gas stoves, you asinine morons.

then they came for the ceiling fans, and I didn’t speak out— instead, I rolled my eyes so hard that I sprained my big toe.

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.