this week in stupid: August 24 edition

Rudy Colludy conceals it, Comer Fudd reveals it, and so much more...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

monday: she’s on emissions from god

meet Julie Green. Julie calls heself “the MAGA Prophet.” Julie’s deal, you see, is that God talks to her. Julie dutifully writes that shit down, and then reads it to her audience of true believers.

this week, Julie shocked with world with a stunning prophecy.

“you will see this is clear when things don’t go the way they want it at the DNC. there is a great divide, and you will see that that is true. watch what the delegates do that will surprise you. that zoom call they had was a fake and a facade to push other agendas for this DNC and make Kamala think it’s all for show, when it’s not. hold on, my children, thing are about to heat up in Washington between Kamala, the Bidens, and the establishment. the Democratic Party is in a hot mess, or is a hot mess right now, you would say, and is about to be exposed in a major way.”

hey Julie, I just got off the phone with God. he told me that he’s just fucking with you. he says that none of that shit is going to come true. he also says that he and Jesus are huge fans of your show, and that they love to kick back with a couple of cold brewskies up in heaven and laugh as you recite the ridiculous crap he feeds you.

---

tuesday: he’s on emissions from Q

now meet Mark Taylor. Mark’s also a prophet — but not the namby-pamby ‘talking to God’ kind. no siree bob, Mark’s got a direct connection to a much higher authority: Q, the shadowy mastermind behind QAnon.

Mark — like Julie — has also got some shocking revelations he needs to share with the world.

“there are certain things like getting control of the weather, getting control of new weapons. we could do this kind of thing and we could get rid of that. look for — I’m telling people now, I believe they’re going to send— they’re trying to add a Category 6 to the hurricane scale, if they haven’t already. what are they telling you? they’re telling you they’re going to send this thing, or multiple cat sixes, and look for it about two weeks before the election — because they’re going to do everything they can to tear this country apart before that.”

yo Mark. I hate to tell you this, but I just got off the phone with Q himself. he’s wondering when it’s going to finally to dawn on you that not one thing he’s predicted in the last eight years has actually come to pass.

figure it out, bro. someone’s goofing on you.

---

wednesday: Jesse’s mom has got it going on

it’s a quandary as old as time itself: what do you do if your son is a complete fucking idiot? more to the point, what do you do if your son is a complete fucking idiot with a large TV audience?

if you’re Fox News found object Jesse Watters’ mom, you needle the shit out of him.

“my mother texted me after the speeches last night. she said ‘are you a Democrat yet?’ — this is what I’m dealing with.”

apparently, Mama Watters does this all the time.

I’ll bet Thanksgiving at the Watters house is a hoot.

---

wednesday: help! help! Steve Bannon is being oppressed

one-man leper colony Steve Bannon may be doing his rotting in prison right now, but his War Room podcast lives on. gamely filling in for Stevie Three-Shirts during his absence are no-longer-a-lawyer Rudy Colludy and no-longer-a-millionaire Mike Lindell.

on this week’s broadcast, Rudy dropped the following bombshell: Steve Bannon is being tortured.

we can only interpret this to mean that Rotty Steve is being forced to bathe.

the horror.

---

friday: somewhere in Kentucky, a pig wallow is missing an idiot

the one thing that Garrison Keillor taught us is that Minnesota is basically the whitest — and blandest — state in the nation, populated by taciturn Norwegian bachelor farmers and wholesome mothers baking apple pies to sell down at the school fair. it all sounds pretty wholesome, right?

wrong, fuck-o.

I hope you’re sitting down right now, because here comes hog-romancin’ Jimmy Comer to rip that happy-face facade off Minnesota. it turns out that old Gary Keillor’s been selling us a bill of goods.

“look, Minnesota, uh, is not your normal state, where Tim Walz is governor [unintelligible] great people of Minnesota, but you also have a huge population of residents in Minnesota that have come from other countries and have very various different ideologies uh that don’t really respect capitalism and and we’re concerned about that because we are the strongest economy in the world but we cannot have more government.”

so the next time you’re down at the Pretty Good Grocery and Ole Sven takes the stalk of hay out of his mouth, sighs, and drawls a-yup, looks like it might rain, don’t be fooled.

it’s all fucking subterfuge.

Ole Sven is a commie rat bastard who wants more government — and he’s pulling Tiananmen Tim Walz’s strings.

---

saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.