this week in stupid: August 12 edition

Dennis Praeger has no fun, Ron DeSantis picks a green one, and so much more ...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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sunday: aspirational is as aspirational does

when you’re a toxic hot mess and up to your eyeballs in legal hot water and you’re known to never pay your bills, it can be hard to find competent representation.

hence the latest not-yet-fired as-yet-unpaid Trump lawyer, John Lauro.

John wants you to know about the latest hot word, and so he’s going to use it, over and over and over. can you guess what that word is?

here’s Lauro on Meet the Press:

CHUCK TODD: “if he had proof he won Georgia, why did he threaten the secretary of state with a criminal charge?”
LAURO: “that wasn't a threat at all. that was an aspirational ask.”

and here’s what he said on CNN’s State of the Union:

“what President Trump didn’t do is direct Vice President Pence to do anything. he asked him in an aspirational way.”

got that? Donald Trump didn’t ask anyone to commit any crimes. he just wished aloud that crimes would magically happen all around him.

ah yes, the time-honored “will no one rid me of this turbulent priest” defense.

after all, it worked so well for King Henry II.

and it’s what kept Charles Manson a free man. wait, what’s that you say? Charlie Manson died in prison?

uh-oh.

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monday: are crimes even crimes? nobody knows

defending a brazen criminal like Donald Trump means twisting yourself into some kind of fucked-up rhetorical pretzel.

here we have two Fox News bobbleheads wandering deep into the philosophical weeds. is it a crime to commit a crime? are crimes even crimes? it is fair to go after a lawbreaker for breaking the law? if only there were some definitive answers to these age-old conundrums.

I guess we’ll never know.

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tuesday: Matt Gaetz is a super-smart moron

inexplicably-unindicted sex trafficker Matt Gaetz is a man with a very stupid plan.

I’d love to explain it to you, but I’m not sure I can even figure out what the fuck Matt is gibbering about.

it has something to do with helping Trump avoid federal prosecution by … having him … testify before Congress and … giving … him congressional immunity?

oh Matt, you addlepated nincompoop. that’s not how it works. that’s not how any of this works.

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wednesday: imagine being this proud of being this fragile

Matt Walsh has a bone to pick with pansexuals.

“other people have a right to know if they are potential obects of your sexual fantasies.”

wait, what now? seriously? Matt, I don’t know how to break this to you, but well-adjusted people don’t worry about shit like this. well-adjusted people go “oh, interesting,” and then they get on with their lives.

seriously, man — find a hobby. oh wait — this is your hobby. ugh.

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thursday: racist upset because he can’t be more racist

Dennis Praeger has a complaint.

“the left has made it impossible to say the n-word any longer. that’s disgusting. it’s a farce. it’s the only word that you can’t say in the english language.”

oh Dennis, what you’re really complaining about is that you can’t say the n-word without consequences. because, really, you can say that word out loud all you like. you just don’t want to deal with what will happen after you do.

anyway, you don’t need to use the n-word, Dennis. we already know that you’re a racist prick.

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friday: Ron DeSantis picks a winner

what makes Ron DeSantis such a winner?

the answer is probably how relatable he is. after all, who among us hasn’t sat in on Gitmo torture sessions and laughed? who among hasn’t posed like we’re some kind of lizard-creature wearing an ill-fitting human skin suit?

and who among us hasn’t charmed the Iowa electorate by picking our nose and wiping the booger off on the brim of some voter’s hat?

oh Ron. we’re swooning.

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.