this week in stupid: August 10 edition

Sporky wishes it, Donny dishes it, and so much more...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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monday: the Great Crashening of 2024

on Monday, we all woke up to the news that overnight, Japan’s stock market had lost 12% of its value — and, as always happens with these sorts of things, Japan’s slide affected markets worldwide. every international exchange had a miserable day.

naturally, the stupidest fucking people on the planet — by which I mean Republicans — knew the exact cause of this global financial meltdown: Kamala Harris — because, as everyone knows, the vice president of the United States directly controls Japan’s markets.

seriously, Kamala, what the hell are you up to?

every wingnut under the sun pissed themselves with glee and fell all over each other in a mad dash to scream KAMALA CRASH and predict that the NeXt GrEaT dEpReSsIoN was upon us.

and no one screamed louder than Donny Diaperload.

pro tip: if you’re openly rooting for the US economy to fail, congratulations — you’re on the wrong fucking side.

of course, we all know what happened next:

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tuesday: the Great un-Crashening of 2024

on Tuesday, the markets shrugged off their one-day blip and completely rebounded, leaving Republicans who spent all Monday screaming KAMALA CRASH once again looking quite foolish.

Marjorie Screwloose Greene wasn’t fooled for one minute, though. she could smell the pernicious fuckery that was afoot from a mile away, and took to not-twitter to let everyone know exactly what was going on.

“They can control the stock market.”

they? who is ‘they,’ Marge, who can control the stock market? is it the same people who control the weather with their space lasers?

the financial situation was not a complete loss for Republicans who had been openly rooting for disaster. there was one stock that failed to rebound at all.

that’s right: Trump Media opened in the shitter and closed in the shitter and stayed there all week.

too bad, so sad.

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wednesday: where’s weirdo

Republicans are all having a Big Sad right now, because their plan to run against Sleepy Brandon by pointing out that he’s decrepit and icky and hiding in his basement got dashed all to fuck by the ascension of Kamala as the Democratic candidate.

they’re totally flailing right now, failing to find any effective attack with which to blunt Kamala’s momentum. she’s not really black. she laughs. she hugs people. nothing is working.

here’s the pathetic nonsense they came up with on Wednesday.

“Where is Kamala? Why hasn't she had an interview since being installed as the Democrat nominee?”

where is Kamala? open your fucking eyes. Kamala’s everywhere. she’s been jetting around the country, speaking to packed arenas. she’s too busy to field inane gotcha questions from the corporate-controlled media.

Republicans, you have a bigger problem than trying to get Kamala to talk. you need to be working on how to get JD Werewolf to shut the fuck up.

because every time this unpleasant zealot opens his toxic mouth, you people lose another two points in the polls.

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thursday: just a couple of lunatics, sitting around and talking

check out this fucktangle of insanity featuring Roseanne Barr, her son Jake Pentland, and the Space Laser Lady.

Roseanne: “well, they love the baby blood, you know. they love bathing in that and drinking it, too.”
Sporky: “I’ve heard. [to Jake] I like your mom, we’re gonna—”
Jake: “I love it. I’ve been waiting for this for so long.”
Roseanne: “well you know what? now they’re gonna sell— you know, they already proved they’re selling the aborted fetuses, the aborted fetus parts to Bill Gates to put in his meat. you know that’s true.”
Sporky: “the fake meat or the real meat?”
Roseanna: “the fetus meat. fetus burgers. come on, when they put in their protein, we’re eating humans. they got us all being cannibals.”
Sporky: “I’m not, because I would never buy his fake meat.”
Roseanne: “no, but they’ve already got it in, McDonalds is selling fetus burgers.”
Sporky: “what?”
Roseanne: “yeah, they got it in everything.”
Sporky: “man, I got to get back on QAnon. I am missing out on some good stuff.”

I don’t even know what to say.

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friday: I know you are, but what am I

one of the most amusing aspects of the Harris-Walz juggernaut has been watching the complete public ungluing of Donny Convict, as he struggles and fails to adapt to a world in which he is no longer the center of attention.

during his crazypants Motel-a-Lago press conference on Thursday, the media largely let Donny get away with spinning one lie after another — but there was one total fabrication that the media decided to debunk.

Donny told a harrowing (spoiler alert: no, it wasn’t) story about a helicopter trip he took with Willie Brown (no, it was Jerry Brown) where the helicopter almost crashed (no, it didn’t) and everyone almost died (no, they were never in danger.)

shameless fucking liar Donny didn’t take kindly to being called a shameless fucking liar, and spent Friday throwing a ten-alarm tantrum during which he threatened to SUE THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE!

no, seriously.

Donny phoned The New York Times and started screaming at the reporter who had written the story.

In an angry phone call to a New York Times reporter … Mr. Trump excoriated The Times for its coverage of his meandering news conference on Thursday at Mar-a-Lago, his private club and home, during which he told of an emergency landing during a helicopter trip that he said both he and Mr. Brown had made together.

“We have the flight records of the helicopter,” Mr. Trump insisted Friday, saying the helicopter had landed “in a field,” and indicating that he intended to release the flight records, before shouting that he was “probably going to sue” over the Times article.

but wait, the story gets batshittier.

When asked to produce the flight records, Mr. Trump responded mockingly, repeating the request in a sing-song voice.

oh my god, what a fucking child.

produce the flight records. produce the flight records. stop copying me. stop copying me.

what a sad, angry little man.

while all this yelling was goin on, Donny’s weird cultists had gathered to hear Dear Leader speak at a hate-rally in Bozeman, Montana.

Donny kept them waiting just a little while longer — because he was busy angrily typing into his phone.

note to reporters — and particularly to “Maggot” Haberman: look what all the ass-kissing in the world gets you.

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.