this week in stupid: April 6 edition
Lauren gets smashed, Caitlyn gets trashed, and so much more ...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.
sunday: trans day of wingnut dipshittery
since 2009, March 31st has been the Trans Day of Visibility. it was Trans Day when Obama was president, and it was Trans Day when Trump was president — but this year, it just so happened that March 31st was also Easter Sunday, and every conservative crawled out of the woodwork to express their OUTRAGE at Joe Biden for somehow deliberately manipulating the calendar just to stick it to Jesus.
ok, fine. outrage is what these fucknuts do. if it hadn’t been trans visibility, it would have been something else. but every now and then, the stupidity escalates to another level.
enter Caitlyn Jenner.
I am absolutely disgusted that Joe Biden has declared the most Holy of Holy days - a self proclaimed devout Catholic - as Transgender Day of Visibility. The only thing you should be declaring on this day is ‘HE is Risen’.
Caitlyn knows she’s full of shit, because — hey Caitlyn, is this you?
“#TransDayOfVisibility There’s no better visibility than with sisters by my side.”
oh, so Trans Day is totes cool when Former Fuck does it but it’s “disgusting” when Sleepy Brandon does it.
Cait, can we talk? there isn’t going to be a Trans Day of Visibility if Dear Leader gets back into office. Donny’s extremist friends and their Project 2025 agenda will make sure of that.
don’t think you’ll be spared because you’re rich and famous. that’s not how fascism works. pick up a history book.
monday: brain-fried nutball says what
hey, let’s check in on Snorty McFailson, who apparently has his own podcast.
“Biden’s DOJ treated Catholics like terrorists. if you were a practicing Catholic, you were a domestic terrorist. if you bought a bible, you were marked by your banks, and that information was given to said FBI and DOJ. they think church-going patriots are terrorists.”
first of all, what the fuck is Individual-1 Junior gibbering about?
secondly, according to Wikipedia, Junior is “executive vice president of The Trump Organization.” has anyone actually ever seen him behind a desk, doing his job? this dude seems to have endless time to yammer like maniac on a countless series of videos.
thirdly, a super-fun side effect of being coked to the gills twenty-four-seven is extreme paranoia. put half the gross national product of Bolivia up your nose, and then next thing you know, you’re ranting about banks keeping track of bible purchases.
slow down, buddy. your heart’s going to explode.
tuesday: cultist says what
hey there, MAGA — what is it about Trump that you love so much?
“number one, he’s a godly man. he’s working for God, for darn sure. number two, he really cares about us. he cares about our country. he didn’t come in there because he wanted the money — he’s got money. he’s in there because he’s working for God. he wants to help us and he wants to get us to a good space. he wants to make America great again.”
Christ on a stale saltine, where do you even start with this lunacy? lady, Donald Trump is a serial blasphemer who only gives a fuck about himself and he spent his entire presidency robbing the country blind— why am I even trying to explain it? this woman is lost. she’s in a cult. she’s never coming back to earth.
the last time a cult leader had this many people so totally fucking bamboozled, hundreds of them ended up dead because they literally drank the Kool-aid.
it’s how we got the expression in the first place.
and of course someone made a gif of Jim Jones drinking Kool-aid, because the internet never disappoints.
wednesday: you’ll never guess who had some good ideas
Laurel Libby, Republican member of Maine’s House of Representatives, has a question — and holy shit, it’s a doozy.
“so let’s talk about the Nazis … I would like to know what they did that was illegal. I would like to know what they did — in detail, if folks would like to share — that was wrong, that infringed on another person’s right. holding a rally, and even holding a rally with guns is not illegal.”
whoa. all right, Laurel’s defending a bunch of neo-Nazi shitnozzles who marched through her town, and not the Nazi Nazis from World War II — presumably, even Laurel knows what they did wrong — but holy shit, Laurel, the optics here are nasty.
don’t ever defend Nazis — of any kind. and for fuck’s sake, don’t ever let the words “what did the Nazis do that was wrong” ever come out of your mouth. that I even have to say this out loud shows just how far off the rails the Republican Party has gone.
thursday: stay classy, trashbucket
Colorado’s own Handy Oakley isn’t just a diarrhea-slider-doling trouser-snake-charming mugshot factory.
in her spare time, she’s also a wee bit of a train wreck.
Multiple sources have told CNN’s Melanie Zanona that Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) appeared to be so inebriated at a fundraiser late last year that servers refused to give her any additional booze.
According to the CNN report, Boebert was attending a fundraiser in Manhattan in December when a server determined that she had been “overserved” and “would not bring her any more alcohol.”
do you know how completely fucking soused you have to be to get cut off by the catering crew at a political fundraiser? but wait, it gets better:
What’s more, Boebert at the fundraiser kept attempting to snap selfies with former President Donald Trump to such an extent that “Trump’s security detail stepped in and asked Boebert to stop.”
no word on whether or not Handy offered to give Dear Leader a happy ending.
friday: three brain cells are a terrible thing to waste
oh my god, Congresswoman Sporkfoot is a fucking idiot.
“God is sending America strong signs to tell us to repent. Earthquakes and eclipses and many more things to come. I pray that our country listens.”
it’s no surprise that demagogues and religious nutjobs use natural disasters as a sign of God’s displeasure. that shit’s been going on for millennia. it’s an effective way to keep the faithful cowed and it’s easy as fuck to do. even Rudy Colludy got into the act after yesterday’s east coast earthquake.
but here comes Sporky, turning the idiocy up to eleven, telling us that eclipses are somehow God’s way of telling Caitlyn Jenner to stop being so visible.
maybe to a Neanderthal like Three Toes, the mid-day sun going bye-bye for a few minutes is a scary sign of frog-raining biblical wrath, but the rest of us figured out this whole calm down, it’s only the moon’s shadow thing way back in 585 BC.
do try to keep up, Marge.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.
folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.
this was a super-stupid week. they way I do these, is every Sunday I start a new draft, and as the week progresses, I paste one or two or three links to stupid shit into each day, and then on Saturday morning decide which to write about. this week, many of the days had up to six stories to choose from
So, Trump got a bond from a used car salesman and two days later the wheels fell off. Who saw that coming?