this week in stupid: April 4 edition
Tiger flips it, Donny zips it, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: Tiger, Tiger, turning right
so, that happened.
the shit that just went down with Tiger Woods is totally relatable, am I right? who among us hasn’t fucktacularly rolled their car in the middle of the day, failed to pass a sobriety test, and were then subsequently found to have a pocketful of pharmaceuticals?
we’ve all been there, haven’t we?
but of all those relatable moments, none were more so than this bit, as captured by a cop’s body-cam.
“I was just talking with the president.”
oh sure — absolutely. as one does.
no, wait. what in the actual fuck? that was Tiger Woods’ first reaction after crawling out of the wreckage, to ring up his bro Donny to shoot the shit? why? why would anyone need to talk to Lord Shitticus on the phone after flipping one’s car?
in what ways did Tiger imagine Donny could help? was he looking to stage a live reenactment of Warren Zevon’s ‘Lawyers, Guns and Money’?
was Tiger angling for a presidential pardon? I don’t think Donny has dominion over municipal traffic crimes.
I mean, I realize that we all have our own coping mechanisms — but I can speak to you from personal experience. the one time in my life that I regained consciousness behind the wheel of a totaled car, back in 2002, my first thought was not ‘I’d better tell President Bush about this.’
to each their own, I suppose.
tuesday: aww, widdle Donny’s all tuckered out
tell me, is there no behavior of Dear Leader’s that Fox News found object Jesse Watters can’t find a way to excuse?
“the chattering class said the president was low energy. what do they want him to do? it’s an Oval Office address at nine o’clock.”
oh, I’m sorry — did the brave battle that Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants fought with the dregs of his pudding cup leave him too tired to speechify? when then maybe the dozy old fuck no longer has what it take to do his job.
forgive us for expecting a chief executive to be able to stand straight and speak clearly for twenty entire minutes.
you have to love MAGA. they never ever shut the fuck up about how impossibly powerful and vital Dear Leader is. you’ve all seen the infantile fan art they churn out by the truckload.
this is the image of God’s own Avatar on Earth that they want to sell to you.
and when this is the nightmarish diaper-crapping mess that actually shows up,
they’re all ‘give the homey a break. he’s old.’
consistency has never been MAGA’s strong suit. neither has logic or reason.
wednesday: they walk among us
oh look, the infuriatingly-unindicted former Congressman Plankhead McSexpest is back in the news.
I shit you not. Matty State-Lines swears he’d been briefed by the actual goddamned army, back before he had to resign for being a complete piece of ahem-alleged sex-trafficking shit.
“I had someone come and brief me, wearing a military uniform, worked for the United States Army, that was briefing me on the locations of hybrid breeding programs, where captured aliens were breeding with humans to create some hybrid race, that could engage in intergalactic communication,” Gaetz said.
look — don’t laugh, okay?
do you want proof? oh, Matty has proof. Matty has the best proof in the world. check this out: he’s one of the human-alien hybrids.
that explains a lot, right? okay, I see you all nodding your heads in agreement out there.
thursday: wang dang sweet wut
listen up, you lazy snot-nosed brats — music-adjacent z-list never-was Ted Nugent has a bone to pick with you.
“these kids are so soft. they are so spoiled. they have no idea why they turn on the hot water faucet when hot water comes out. they have no idea why they can plug stuff in the walls and electricity turns it on. these kids need to be stripped naked and thrown into the wilderness without anything for a week, and if they don’t make it, tough.”
does Ted Nugent really want to be putting ‘kids’ and ‘stripped naked’ in the same sentence? it’s a legit question to ask, because — hey, here’s a fun tidbit about the Tedster.
Try typing into a search engine, “Ted Nugent Pedophile” and see what comes up. To call this man “vile” might be a compliment. He’s simply appalling.
know where I got that link? off the United Methodists Insights website. if that’s what the godly folk are saying about the Nooge, who am I to quibble?
here’s another cool fact about the Teddinator: by his own admission, he stopped bathing and then shit himself repeatedly in order to dodge the Vietnam draft.
Ted Nugent sucks, and he can fuck himself straight into the sea.
friday: the further adventures of Some Fucking Idiot™
on Friday, Iran shot down two American fighter jets. one of the pilots is still unaccounted for.
some fucking idiot reacted by hunkering down in the White House for the entire day, never once coming out of his hidey hole.
at no point did the fucking idiot ever offer one word of concern — or even acknowledgement — regarding the pilots who had been shot down, but he did scream his big dumb pumpkin head off about keeping Iran’s oil.
the fucking idiot also threw a shit-fit over some unflattering book that was published a year ago, and that he apparently somehow just found out about.
while still not once having acknowledged the downed pilots, the fucking idiot then put out this heartfelt Good Friday statement — because we all know the True Meaning of Easter™ is ‘factory construction jobs.’
and finally, while making sure to keep his rotting hand covered, the fucking idiot released a wackadoodle video in which he referred to God bringing the Hebrews out of slavery in Egypt as ‘an amazing period of time,’ and compared it to the United States under his presidency.
and because the fucking idiot had spent the entire day hiding from the press, no reporter had any opportunity to stand up and ask ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’
how fucking idiotic is that?
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
I'm sorry, but "Tiger, Tiger, turning right" are the greatest four words I've ever written and I don't care who sees me bragging about it
I have posted your reporter challenge on many threads to much acclaim. I have also discovered it also applies to anyone who must endure One of KKKaroline Levitts pressers.
Seriously , what the fuck is the matter with her?