this week in stupid: April 18 edition
Preznit Fuckwit stands his ground, Caitlyn Jenner comes around, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: dumbest. culture. war. ever
friends, do you suffer from the heartbreak of Mamdani Derangement Syndrome? here’s one sure way to tell: it’s when you completely lose your shit over the activities of an anthropomorphized sports-ball mascot.
welcome to the sad little world of Sid Rosenberg, a New York City hate-radio talk-show dumbfuck afflicted with not just anger management issues, but also way too much free time on his hands.
Sid worked himself into a Big Mad this week when New York’s Islamo-marxo-communo-anarcho-fascist Mayor Zohran Mamdani showed up at a New York Mets game and got big hugs — not just from Mr. Met, but also Mrs. Met, both of whom are — and this cannot be stressed enough — oversized baseballs.
“Just when you thought things couldn’t get worse we found out today that Mr. Met is a raging antisemite!”
oh, come on, Sid. stop being a sexist prick and admit that Mrs. Met is also a raging antisemite. she gave The Mamdaninator a big hug, too.
oh wait — is all this misplaced rage happening now because last year, Sid got his fee-fees hurt?
“This was me at Citifield last season being IGNORED by Mr. Met! Yesterday Mr. AND Mrs. Met were hugging and kissing our Antisemite Mayor @NYCMayor! Easy to conclude that Mr. Met is an Antisemite!!!!!”
Sid, can we talk? bro, you really need to get the fuck over yourself. you’re not the center of the universe. you’re some shit-kazoo rando who shouts into a microphone on some fifth-rate radio station that no one listens to. despite being as impressed with yourself as you apparently are, in no way does your resume entitle you to a personal audience with a talking baseball.
but wait — the story has a happy ending.
“I’ll be 59 on Sunday:) For the first time ever I’m sporting a Yankee jersey as I make my way to the Bronx. The official transition from a life long Met fan to a Yankee fan is now underway. Like my friend @CGasparino once wrote ‘Go Woke, Go Broke!’ The Mamdani Mets are too WOKE for me! See ya at the Stadium soon fans!”
sucks to be you, New York Mets. you went woke and now you’re going broke. Big Mad Sid is taking his business elsewhere.
congratulations, Yankees — Sid’s your problem now.
you’re welcome.
tuesday: AI yi yi
it’s an age-old conundrum: is the media simply biased against Dear Leader, or is the media super fucking biased against Dear Leader? well, here comes Fox News yammerer Maria Bartiromo, with a uniquely twenty-first century answer to this question.
“and if you compare today, what’s going on today, to — let’s call it World War Two. right? I put in a question to ChatGPT and said, ‘if we were to look at the media back during World War Two and look at how they are reporting this current conflict, how would the media report on World War Two?’ here’s what I got from ChatGPT. ready? the media is against President Trump.”
I’m sorry, Maria did what? she posed a fucked-up question to a janky plagiarism-robot that’s deliberately programmed to flatter its user and tell them exactly what they want to hear?
what a fucking pointless exercise in digital navel-gazing that proves not one goddamned thing — but at least now your drunk uncle can buttonhole you at the next cookout and tell you how Maria Bartiromo used big-brain science to prove that the media is being mean to Grandpa President Chucklefuck. so he’s got that going for him. which is nice.
lucky you.
wednesday: lay his what where?
when Donny tarted himself up as some kind of fucked-in-the-head Doctor Jesus, actual religious leaders were horrified — but for the MAGA Evangelical Grifter-Industrial Complex, it was just another day at the office.
MAGA pastor Shane Vaughn: “let me ask every one of you that were shocked by this picture. if you’ll look at that picture again, you’ll really look at it, you’ll see what you prayed for. yeah, those four years you were fighting for Donald Trump, you remember those days. how quickly we forget. you believe he was sent by God to lay hands on this nation. to heal our suffering nation. what you believe is in that picture — a man that God used to heal America.”
the knots these god-bothering goniffs tie themselves into to justify President Piggy’s crimes against decency are impressive. can we just get that ‘shame’ woman to come in here and do her thing for a minute?
now let’s do what Pastor Vaughn asks of us, and take another look at that image.
nope, sorry — it’s still blasphemy, and Donny’s still trash.
oh, and whether or not Donny was sent by God, ‘this nation’ is not what he’s been laying his disgusting hands on.
yup, still trash.
thursday: bring out the tiny violin brigade
there’s nothing funny about the persecution of trans people being perpetrated by the current fascist regime. the trans community just wants to be left in peace to be who they are. why can’t we just grant them that?
that said, we can all still schadenfreude the shit out of Caitlyn Jenner, who apparently assumed that she would somehow be exempted from all this fuckery.
you know the drill. now comes the part where we throw our heads back in laughter. ready?
friday: the further adventures of Some Fucking Idiot™
some fucking idiot’s Friday started off with some allegedly good news. the fucking idiot loudly announced the re-opening of the ‘Strait of Iran,’ whatever the fuck that is
this was such a non-victory victory for the fucking idiot that even Ann Coulter saw through it.
nonetheless, the fucking idiot took the latest in an infinite series of unearned victory laps, posting about his glorious triumph thirteen times in the space of an hour.
why so many posts? the answer is simple: that stock market isn’t going to manipulate itself.
the fucking idiot even proclaimed that the Strait of Hormuz will never, ever, ever, ever close again, not in a millionty skillion pickldillion years. certainly not while the fucking idiot is president!
(hi. Jeff of the Future here, breaking into the narrative on Saturday morning to let you know that that a mere 20 hours after the fucking idiot made that boast, the Strait of Hormuz is already closed down again.)
once the fucking idiot’s posting spree had run its course, it was time for the fucking idiot to jet off to his playdate at the Turning Point convention in Phoenix.
what. the fuck. is this.
pro tip for the fucking idiot: when tallying up all the imaginary wars that you claim to have ended, you can’t include the ones that you started.
oh look, now that the fucking idiot has all that warmongering in the rear view mirror, he’s got all the time in the world to finally finish that ‘ready in two weeks’ healthcare plan he’s been working on for the last ten years.
later on, while flying back to Washington aboard Fuckface Force One, reporters got to question the fucking idiot.
here’s another pro tip: you can’t really say you’ve ‘ended a war’ if in the next breath you blither incoherently about ‘dropping more bombs on Wednesday.’
and, despite all that dumbfuckery going on right in front of their faces, not reporter stood up to ask ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’
how fucking idiotic is that?
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
"but Uncle Jeff, why didn't you do Piss-Drunk Pete using a fake prayer from Pulp Fiction?"
oh, because everyone's already talked that one to death. for the 'week in stupid' I try to find the obscure stories
In a sane world, "MAGA pastor" would be the most glaring oxymoron conceivable. Also, Vaughn, if you're a pastor who presumably went to seminary, how do you not recognize blasphemy?