this week in stupid, April 14 edition
QAnon doofus drinks piss, Lauren Boebert car crash coverup, and so much more ....
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America. let’s look back at some of the highlights.
saturday: piss guzzler stoked for chance to meet Donald Trump
meet Christopher Key.
Christopher Key drinks his own piss.
Key is also a QAnon dipshit and an anti-vaxer. and Key has a bone to pick with Donald Trump, because in Key’s piss-soaked mind, Donald Trump is not suffciently anti-vax.
Key was so angry with Trump that he entered a “win a dinner with Donald Trump” contest in the hopes that he would get a chance to tell the former president off in person.
the contest had a $500 entry fee, which Key eagerly paid.
but of course these “dinner with Trump” contests are scams. there’s never a winner. Key could have pissed on five hundred-dollar bills and eaten them and gotten the same result.
enjoy your piss, Chris.
sunday: world war what the fuck
looks like the family of raccoons living inside Donald Trump’s head have finally chewed through all the wires.
we’re all used to Donald Trump vomiting streams of consciousness onto social media, but Sunday’s context-free blurt had us all shaking our heads.
monday: I still got nuthin
fuck, I did it again. two weeks in a row.
tuesday: lauren boebert’s car crash cover-up
to call Lauren Boebert a flaming train wreck would be unfair to flaming train wrecks.
when she’s not denying that she doled out diarrhea sliders or that her degenerate husband exposed himself to teenage girls, Lauren can be found generally stupiding things up down on Capitol Hill, where’s she a barely-elected member of Congress.
on Tuesday, news broke about a new thing that Lauren is now trying to deny ever happened.
A teenager who was involved in a car accident with Lauren Boebert’s son has accused the Colorado representative of trying to cover up the severe injuries he sustained.
“I still have problems with my hand,” Mr D’Amato told the Colorado outlet. “My thumb almost got cut off. It prevented me from getting a welding job because I can’t hold a TIG torch anymore. I’m a personal-care provider now.”
class act.
wednesday: Sarah Huckabee Sanders to job seekers: flatter me or fuck off
there’s so much stupid in the world that you simply can’t keep all of the stupid in your head at the same time. for instance, I had completely forgotten that the stupid voters of Arkanses had elected stupid Sarah Huckabee Sanders to be the stupidest governor in these United States.
but there she is. Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders. wow. that happened.
on Wednesday we learned that anyone applying for a job on an Arkansas state board or commission must first flatter the fuck out of Governor Sarah.
The application form you must fill out to be considered for a post on state boards and commissions includes this question: “What is an accomplishment of the Governor’s that you admire the most?”
remember when Donald Trump used to begin every cabinet meeting by having each cabinet member kiss his ass?
Sarah remembers, too. learn from the best, right, Sarah?
thursday: Congresswoman Sporkfoot stands up for classified document thief
it wouldn’t be a This Week In Stupid without an appearance from Marjorie Taylor Spork Toes, would it?
and we almost got through the whole week without one.
Jack Teixiera is a stupid dipshit who swiped classified documents and put them on a server, pretty much just to impress his gamer friends. and of course he got fucking caught and arrested, because Jack Teixiera is a stupid fucking idiot. (he’s also a racist and an antisemite, but that’s a story for a longer piece.)
that’s pretty stupid, but you know what’s even stupider?
but you do you, Marge. good optics.
friday: ?
hey, it’s only ten o’clock in the morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dispshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
have a great weekend, everyone.
folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.
I can't believe I wrote the whole thing and then proofread it and then tweaked it and then proofread it one more time and then made some changes and then proofread it one more time and was just about to send it out and I read it one more time and ... huh, what the fuck, where's Monday? I must be going senile
You chose well. But is it ever tough. I mean, 11-yr old pregnant child brides and defunding libraries in the same week makes Missouri, where I made a home and got my schooling, look like the gol-durndest cradle of the dumbassedness in this land.