this week in stupid: April 13 edition

Gutfeld is outraged, Maria's on a rampage, and so much more ...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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monday: total eclipse of the brain

Monday was Solar Eclipse Day — and there was plenty of stupid to go around, from Alex Jones calling it a deep state conspiracy to Sarah Sanders declaring a three-day state of emergency in Arkansas. but the crowning peak of idiocy had to be the dipshits at Fox News, because they found a whole new angle for their low-wattage audience to get worked up over.

“that means a real opportunity for smugglers and cartels and migrants to come right in.”

are you fucking serious, Fox? a surge of border crossers during four minutes of totality? what are they going to do, use slingshots to rocket themselves across the border during that brief moment of darkness?

do these fearmongering imbeciles not realize that it gets dark for hours every single night, and somehow the world still manages to function?

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tuesday: how many points for ‘shut the fuck up, Greg’

Fox News has a brand new complaint: Scrabble has “gone woke.”

you may be asking yourself, what the fuck does that mean? did Greg Gutfeld realize that you can use the tiles to spell out D I V E R S I T Y?

here’s what has ol’ Greggers in a lather: it’s the same game — nothing has changed — but included in the box is an additional set of rules for simplified games, for people who just want to get it the fuck over with faster.

Judge Drunkie was also horrified.

“They have removed certain words,” announced Judge Jeanine. “They banned racist and LGBTQ slurs from the tournaments.”

OH MY GOD THEY BANNED SLURS FROM TOURNAMENTS. welcome to life in Sleepy Brandon’s dsytopian hellscape, Jeanine.

it’s a fucking game, you dipshits. you can play it by any rules you want. in the privacy of her own home, Jeanine can still cackle tipsily as she gleefully spells out the n-word.

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wednesday: I demand to speak to Maria Bartiromo’s manager

Little Donny Fuckface goes on trial in Manhattan on Monday and Maria Bartiromo is hella incensed.

“that’s what the NYPD keeps telling us about recidivism. why, Governor Kathy Hochul, are you allowing recidivism? why are you not firing Alvin Bragg for allowing criminals to keep doing it over and over again? we would like an answer. I’ll call your office today.”

awesome — Maria is literally demanding to speak to New York’s manager.

Maria’s just echoing the entire wingnut noise machine’s latest talking point: why is New York going after a wealthy white man for election interference when there are so many of those people — you know who we’re talking about — walking the streets? lock them all up, they’re probably guilty of something.

but at the same time, let’s congratulate Maria for learning a new word: “recidivism,” which is the tendency of criminals to keep criming, even after getting caught. and you know what? Maria’s right. let’s go after the recidivists — and let’s start with a certain 88-criminal-count shitbag who’s been criming his whole life.

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thursday: Republican Jesus works in mysterious ways

there’s no shortage in America of god-mad demagogues who never tire of pointing to every tragedy and loudly proclaiming it’s God’s retribution for the supposedly decadent behavior of the lib’ruls — and oh boy, have we got ourselves a live one.

NBC News reported that Rep. Michael Lemelin took to the floor of the house on Thursday to condemn LD 1619, which was legislation expanding privacy rights for abortion patients that passed the same day as the October 25 shooting. He then went on to suggest that the [Lewiston ME] shooting was retribution from God for the bill's passage.

that’s right, God was so fucking annoyed that women had their reproductive rights protected that he sent some psycho into a bowling alley to blow away over a dozen people.

after all, wasn’t it Jesus who said “blessed are the mass shooters”?

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friday: maybe these tears are from laughing so hard

yet-another-douchebag-with-a-podcast Tim Pool has a message for you “libs”: CRY HARDER.

huh? just because you got some AI to render Dear Leader tarted up in golden armor, we’re supposed to cower in fear? at what? pal, out here in the real world, Donny Demento is a deteriorating dotard who can’t even properly trowel makeup onto his face any more, and no fetishistic fanboy art is going to change that. check our your fearsome warrior, bro.

cry harder, Tim.

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.