these leopards are too fucking incompetent to eat anyone’s face

House Republicans can't get their impeachment shit together

that clownshoes fucktangle of low-wattage underachievers known as the House Republicans had a cunning plan. it went something like this:

we’re going to impeach the living shit out of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas and then we’re going to coast to reelection because …

ok, here I have to confess that the logic of this whole enterprise escapes me. I guess because “we impeached this guy you never heard of” looks good in a campaign ad?

naturally, the whole dumb-ass plan blew up in their stupid faces — because of course it did. these are House Republicans we’re talking about. what did you expect, competence?

here’s how this impeachment was supposed to go down: Holy Mike Johnson knew he didn’t have enough votes, but he also knew that Democratic Rep Al Green was going to be in the hospital for abdominal surgery on Tuesday, so that’s when Holy Mike scheduled the vote to take place.

recognizing this for the supreme dick move that it was, Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries phoned up Green in the hospital and was all bro get your ass over here for this vote. I’ve called an Uber and Green was all no need, my man, I’m already on my way. I wouldn’t miss this shit for the world.

no, seriously.

Then, like a scene out of a political thriller, Representative Al Green, Democrat of Texas, appeared at the last moment to cast a surprise ballot — from a wheelchair, wearing blue hospital clothing and tan socks. He voted no.

Mr. Green’s vote was decisive. It tied up the measure, 215 to 215, and handed a stunning defeat to Speaker Mike Johnson.

Republicans were fucking pissed off and stamped their feet and said that somehow it wasn’t fair of the Democrats to have more votes.

“they hid one of their members, waiting til the last minute, watching to see our votes, trying to throw us off on the numbers that we had.”

it’s called politics, Marge, and it’s not the Democrats’ fault that you’re so fucking bad at it.

with the failed impeachment out of the way, the House GOP got back to doing what it does best: blaming each other for their own incompetence.

Congresswoman Sporkfoot accused the Rs who voted no of taking bribes.

You know, I have no proof of that, but again, I can’t understand the vote. So, nothing surprises me in Washington, D.C. anymore, Charlie. Literally, nothing surprises me because—it doesn't make sense to anyone, right? Why would anyone vote no? Why would anyone protect Mayorkas unless they're being bribed, unless there's something going on, unless they're making a deal.

geez, Marge, bribes? is that really the best the meth-ravaged hamsters wheeling around in your head could come up with?

Florida transphobe Greg Steube pointed his finger at white supremacy’s middle manager, Steve Scalise — also in the hospital, for cancer treatment — for not being man enough to wheelchair his own self to the vote.

Rep. Greg Steube went on Newsmax to point at a Republican absence—House Majority Leader Steve Scalise, who had the audacity to be out for cancer treatment. “If Scalise would have been here … the bill would have passed,” Steube said.

how much of a disaster has Holy Mike Johnson been as Speaker of the House?

this much: Republicans are now speaking openly of how much they wish that Kevin McCarthy was still around.

“Getting rid of Speaker McCarthy has officially turned into an unmitigated disaster.”

that’s right, Feckless Kevin McCarthy, the guy the Freedom Caucus hated so much that they turned him into a living chew toy and then ousted him from the Speakership, is starting to look a whole lot better.

even Matt Gaetz, the inexplicably-unindicted sex pest who engineered the shitcanning of McCarthy, is having second thoughts.

“I also wonder, wouldn’t it have been nice to still have Kevin McCarthy in the House of Representatives,” Gaetz said on Newsmax. “Never thought you'd hear me say that.”

happier times

I guess the Freedom Caucus will now be drunk-dialing Kev at two in the morning to whimper “I miss us.”

it’s all so stupid. impeaching Mayorkas was supposed to be the Republicans’ consolation prize for being unable to find anything dirty to pin on Joe Biden, and they fucked it all to hell.

they can’t impeach anyone, they can’t pass any bills — they can’t even name a fucking post office.

someone remind me, what do you get when you elect clowns?

oh, right: a circus.