the GOP's latest “Biden scandal” collapses into another clownshoes clusterfuck

can't anyone around here do a proper fake scandal any more?

stop me if you’ve heard this one before:

“guys, we got him now. Joe Biden’s going down. the whole Biden Crime Family is going down.”

that’s right, the Republican party has a brand new Biden scandal to sell you. here it is, in a nutshell:

when Joe Biden was vice president, he took a $5 million bribe and the FBI has seventeen audiotapes that prove it.

the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex has been screeching about it for a month now, in a desperate bid to distract the rubes from Donald Trump’s indictment for actual crimes.

first, James Comer held a press conference where he promised to leave no imaginary stone unturned. he vowed to subpoena the entire world, if necessary.

next, they took poor old 162-year-old Chuck Grassley — a man so far into his dotage that he longer knows which end is up — and shoved him in front of a camera to deliver an incoherent word salad punctuated with numerous allegedlys.

and then, the strangest fucking thing happened: wingnut media actually started to push back and ask questions.

here’s some Newsmax bobblehead actually getting James Comer to admit that “we don't know if they're legit or not.”

I don’t know what triggered this. is the far-right media ecosystem finally getting tired of all the defamation suits?

from there, things began to unravel pretty quickly.

here’s somehow-unindicted-sex-trafficker Matt Gaetz on somehow-still-not-in-prison-yet Steve Bannon’s podcast, equivocating at the twice speed of light:

“right now the 17 tapes are alleged. no one has actually heard them and we don’t know where they are. they’re probably in another country.”

here’s Ron Johnson, a man who never met a conspiracy theory he couldn’t exploit:

“we don’t know that [the tape] exists … it's a claim, it’s an allegation. we don’t know whether they really exist or not.”

and finally, we circle back to 174-year-old Chuck Grassley, screaming the quiet part out loud:

“we aren't interested in whether or not the accusations against Vice President Biden are accurate or not.”

holy shit.

I have one question:

so, if this whole deal is such a mystery and no one can confirm anything, why don’t we just find this FBI agent and have him tell his story firsthand? easy peasy lemon squeezy, right?

well … we can’t, because, according to Esteemed Counsellor Rudolph J. Covidfart, Esquire, the FBI agent is … umm … err … dead.

and just like that, the latest huge scandal that would finally take down the entire Biden Crime Family collapsed like a big stupid house of cards.

the Republican party is a fucking joke and has degraded to the point where none of these clownshoes doofuses know how to gin up a proper fake scandal any more. it almost makes you nostalgic for the days of 34 Benghazi investigations.