the Dipshit Brigade comes to town to carry water for Donald Trump

Republicans are competing to see who can most deeply kiss Dear Leader’s ass

Michael Cohen came to court yesterday to nail Little Donny Fuckface to the wall. he was cool, calm and collected. he brought all the receipts. he described how micromanager Trump was involved in every step of the scheme to conceal the hush money payments. Cohen explained how he funneled the payments through a shell company. he described how Trump’s only goal was to preserve his presidential campaign — Donny didn’t give one fuck about Melania’s feelings.

Donald Trump doesn’t have any receipts. what the narcoleptic fart factory does have, however, is a dog-and-pony show — one that features a rotating cast of flunkies willing to stand in front of a camera and whine about unfairly Dear Leader is being treated.

that’s right, Donny has turned his trial into a version of The Apprentice where Republican hopefuls compete to see who can most deeply kiss Dear Leader’s ass.

yesterday’s competitors were failed football coach Tommy Tuberville, and the latte-sipping Hamptons hanger-on who pretends to be some kind of hillbilly savant, JD Vance.

here are two clips in which head-trauma poster boy Foghorn Leghorn feigns outrage over the fact that a criminal defendant is being treated like a criminal defendant.

“first of all, I’m disappointed in the courtroom. I’m hearing ‘Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump.’ he is former president Trump. give him some respect. I mean, that’s what that place is in there. no respect. here’s what I’m seeing too, it is depressing. that courtroom is depressing. this is New York City. the icon of our country, and we got a courtroom that’s the most depressing thing I’ve ever been in.”

“he’s been here a month. I am disappointed in looking at the American — supposedly American citizens in that courtroom, that the DA comes in and acts like it is his Super Bowl. and I guess it is, to be noticed. but that’s what happening in this country. Republican candidate for president of the United States is going through mental anguish in a courtroom that’s very depressing — very depressing.”

oh my god. they should show these videos to high school athletes as a cautionary tale about why you shouldn’t play football without a helmet.

what’s this “supposedly American citizens” bullshit? is T-Tubes implying that the jurors are undocumented immigrants? I swear, these shitfucks can’t go ten seconds without blaming their woes on immigrants.

and I’m so sorry that trials are depressing, Tommy. so sorry that Dear Leader is going through mental anguish. maybe Trump should have thought about that before he crimed.

oh wait, I’m not sorry. for the first time in his pampered, entitled life, Donald Trump is getting the exact treatment he deserves — and I am here for every fucking second of it.

here’s JD Vance:

“the judge inside, his daughter is making millions of dollars running against Donald Trump, raising money for Donald Trump’s political opponents. the number three person in the Department of Justice — Biden’s Department of Justice — left to become a local prosecutor to go after Donald Trump. and of course they’re Alvin Bragg, a Soros-funded prosecutor who promised to go after Donald Trump and now it doing exactly that.”

whoa, there’s a lot of batshittery to unpack here. we have some garden variety antisemitism, with the Soros-is-paying-for-it business. we have some conspiracy blather about Biden’s DOJ targeting Trump — but primarily what we have here is gag order violation by proxy. Donny can’t attack the judge’s daughter, so he now gets his flunkies du jour to do it for him. Friday, it was Judge Box Wine Pirro’s turn. yesterday we got JD Vance. today it’s Holy Mike Johnson.

Vance also did a fair amount of whining.

“we started in Trump Tower with a beautiful view of Central Park. then you come to a dingy court house with people like Alvin Bragg.”

oh no, the courtroom is dingy. my god, the inhumanity! how can they force God’s own Avatar on Earth to suffer among all the dinge?

look, JD, we’re so sorry that every square inch of the courthouse isn’t covered in fake gold, like Dear Leader’s vermin-infested Florida golf motel. and we’re doubly sorry that Judge Merchan’s courtroom doesn’t have a beautiful view for criminal defendants to gaze upon.

where’s my tiny violin?

by the way, JD Vance is a fucking hypocrite. he used to be against Dear Leader before his was for Dear Leader.

here are some quotes from 2016:

“Trump makes people I care about afraid. Immigrants, Muslims, etc. Because of this I find him reprehensible. God wants better of us”
— JD Vance, October 2016

“Fellow Christians, everyone is watching us when we apologize for this man. Lord help us.”
— JD Vance, October 2016

that second quote, by the way, is a response to the Access Hollywood tape.

Tuberville and Vance bailed after the court recessed for lunch. they were nowhere to be seen when the trial resumed.

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here are some choice nuggets from Cohen’s testimony.

— Donny doesn’t use email for this perfectly normal reason.

Trump ‘never had an email address’ because he knew ‘prosecutors’ love paper trails, Michael Cohen tells hush-money trial jury

In eye-opening testimony at Donald Trump’s hush-money trial in Manhattan on Monday, former Trump fixer Michael Cohen said from the witness stand that his ex-boss “never had an email address” because he knew that “prosecutors” salivate over paper trails.

you know who worries about “prosecutors” and “paper trails”? criminals, that’s who. “will I get caught?” is a thought that rarely crosses the mind of your average joe, but everything Donny Fuckface does is purposely designed to evade detection and prosecution.

— this is fucking stunning.

Cohen Drops Bomb At Trial — Says Trump Didn’t Care If Melania Left Him Because ‘How Long Do You Think I’ll Be On The Market?’

Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen dropped a bomb in court when he recounted former President Donald Trump’s reaction to the prospect of wife Melania Trump finding out about an alleged sexual encounter.

holy shit, Jabba the Trump really labors under some serious delusions about his desirability.

what a loving couple. what a deep and abiding affection Donny and Melania have for each other.

— Trump is a cheapskate through and through.

“COHEN BOMBSHELL TESTIMONY: Trump said to delay payment to Stormy Daniels until after the election because the story wasn’t relevant if he won and if he lost: ‘I really don’t care.’”

Donny told Cohen not to pay out the hush money until after the 2016 election, because if he lost, who the fuck cares if the public found out that he coerced a woman into having sex with him by dangling the promise of her being a contestant on The Apprentice.

what a creep.

— but shed not a tear for poor Melania, because she’s complicit as fuck.

“Michael Cohen testified at Trump’s criminal trial that it was Melania’s idea to spin the Access Hollywood tape as ‘locker room talk.’”

Donny and Melania are a pair of scheming assholes and they deserve each other.

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and finally, how adorable is it that Trump’s lawyers now give him a stack of prop papers to wave about as he raves exactly like a fucking lunatic.

“and it could have been brought six years ago, seven years ago, almost eight years ago. they bring it right in the middle of my presidential campaign. Bragg. he said we had no case. you know if you go back and look at your earlier records when he came into office he turned it down and he was angry because of what took place. he saw that they were going to use this scam. he was angry. even Michael Smerconish of CNN, a person four or five weeks into a trial ought to be told exactly that which they’re being prosecuted for, and that hasn’t happened. you know why it happened? because it didn’t happen for one very simple reason. because there is no crime. here’s Mark Thiessen. I know things are, I don’t think things are going very well for the prosecution in the court of law. and in the court of public opinion they’re doing even worse. Matt Whittaker, another day at trial and they’re keeping the president off the campaign trail. Byron York on the hush money trial, which is not hush money, the majority of voters in Georgia, Pennsylvania, Michigan, say Trump can not get a fair trial. that’s too bad. that’s very too bad.”

your Republican candidate for president, ladies and gentlemen. he’s crazier than a shithouse rat.