the American president and some gibbering lunatic both gave speeches on Friday

the difference between Joe Biden and Donald Trump couldn’t be any clearer

President Joe Biden and 91-Count Criminal Dipshit Donald Trump both spoke to their supporters on Friday.

one speech was a clear-eyed and sober assessment of what’s at stake in the next election. the other was a burst trash bag of grudges, grievances, and incomprehensible batshit insanity.

Joe Biden stood tall, spoke confidently, was in complete command of the facts — and he explained in no uncertain terms who Donald Trump is and what he represents.

“he calls those who oppose him vermin. he talks about the blood of America as being poisoned, echoing the same exact language used in Nazi Germany. he proudly posts the words that describe his 2024 campaign. quote: revenge. quote: power. and quote dictatorship. there’s no confusion about who Trump is, and what he intends to do.”

Little Donny Fuckface was a hot shambling mess, sweaty, wheezing, hunched over the mic, gripping the podium for dear life, as he rambled incoherently, spouting whatever garbled idiocy was rattling around in his big dumb pumpkin head.

“magnets. now, all I know about magnets is this: give me a glass of water, let me drop it on the magnets, that’s the end of the magnets.”

wut?

I’m sorry, but if your own grandfather started disassociating about magnets, you’d be googling for the nearest assisted living facility.

back to Biden:

“he refuses to denounce political violence. so hear me clearly. I’ll say what Donald Trump won’t: political violence is never, ever acceptable in the United States political system. never, ever, never, never. it has no place in a democracy. none. you can’t be pro-insurrectionist and pro-American. yet Trump and his MAGA supporters not only embrace political violence, they laugh about it. at his rally, he jokes about an intruder whipped up by the big Trump lie, taking a hammer to Paul Pelosi’s skull and echoing the very same words used on January 6th: ‘where’s Nancy?’ and he think’s that funny. he laughed about it. what a sick—. my god. I think it’s despicable, seriously. not just for a president, for any person to say that — but to say it to the whole world listening, ugh. Trump’s assault on democracy isn’t just part of his past, it’s what he’s promising for the future.”

meanwhile, who among us hasn’t walked up to Donny Ratbrain, tears welling up in our grateful eyes, and asked “sir, how do you put on pants?”

“first they say, sir, how do you do it? how do you get up in the morning and put on pants?”

pants, how do they work?

actually, yes, I can fully believe that people who support Trump are so fucking stupid they can’t figure out how to put on pants. 1,000% credible.

one more time, back again to Biden:

“Trump lost recound after recount in state after state. but in desperation and weakness, Trump and his MAGA followers went after election officials who insured that your powers as a citizen would be heard. these public servants had their lives ever upended by attacks and death threats for simply doing their jobs. in Atlanta, Georgia, a brave black mother and her daughter, Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss, were doing their jobs as election workers, until Donald Trump and his MAGA followers targeted and threatened them, forcing them from their homes, and unleashing racist vitriol on them. Trump’s personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, was just hit with a $148 million judgement for cruelty and defamation that he inflicted against them. other state and local elected officials across the country faced similar personal attacks. in addition, Fox News agreed to pay a record $787 million for the lies that they told about voter fraud. let’s be clear about the 2020 election: Trump exhausted every legal avenue available to him to overturn the election — every one. but the legal path just took Trump back to the truth: that I won the election, and he was a loser.”

Trump, who by the way was speaking in Iowa, in front of a group of people who had only the previous day lived through another horrific school shooting, actually told them to just get over it.

“that’s just horrible, surprising to see it here. but we have to get over it.”

“get over it” — there’s your Republican answer to every one of their atrocities. did your name mysteriously vanish from the voter rolls? too bad. was a ten-year-old child forced to give birth to her rapist’s baby? shit happens. did someone in your town gun down a bunch of children? get over it.

and when his speech was over, Trump — just so proud of himself — did that fucked-up jerking-off-two-invisible-dicks dance of his.

what an asshole.

could the difference between Joe Biden and Donald Trump be any clearer?

gee, who do I vote for, the guy who I sometimes don't agree with, or the insane broken-inside dictator-wannabe who’s planning to end American democracy? what a fucking conundrum.

Joe Biden’s entire speech can be found here.

as for Donald Trump’s entire speech, who gives a rat’s ass?

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.