terrified Republicans are trying to sabotage Joe Biden’s State of the Union speech

the House GOP crashes the clown car

it’s just dawned on the stupidest fucking dolts in the House that they’ve painted themselves right into another corner.

next week, on March 7, Joe Biden is going to give his State of the Union speech — and millions of Americans are going to see first-hand on live television that good old Joe Biden is alert, in command of the facts, and is in no way the demented old fool that Republicans say he is.

uh oh.

and so the House Republicans are now running around like a bunch of meth-tweaked rodeo clowns, desperately trying to invent some pretext for disinviting Joe from giving his speech.

They even have a bill in the works to prevent future presidents from delivering the SOTU if they haven’t submitted a budget by the first Monday in February. That’s the deadline set by law, though there’s no enforcement mechanism in the law, and presidents missing the deadline is common. The law wouldn’t apply until next year, but Republicans seem to think it makes them look serious to have a bill, and they will use it to argue for blocking Biden’s speech this year. 

nice try, dummies.

seriously, this whole JoE bIdEn iS oLd thing was never anything more than a rickety house of cards — aided and abetted by a complicit media — and it’s about to collapse.

check out Joe on Seth Meyers’ show a couple of days ago.

Meyers: “you mentioned some classified material, some documents that recently leaked. some classified documents — and this isn’t a gotcha show, but I do want to ask about it — that say you’re currently 81 years old.”

Biden: “who the hell told you that? that’s classified.”

Meyers: “all jokes aside, according to recent polling, this is a real concern for American voters. how do you address that concern going forward as you come up to the 2024 election?”

Biden: “well, a couple of things. number one, you gotta take a look at the other guy. he’s about as old as I am, but he can’t remember his wife’s name. number two, it’s about how old your ideas are. look, this is a guy who wants to take us back. he wants to take us back on Roe v Wade. he wants to take us back on a whole range of issues that for fifty, sixty years have been solid American positions.”

tell it, Joe. “it’s about how old your ideas are.”

this is the Biden that America is going to see on their televisions next week: forceful, assured and articulate. this the same Biden who last year used Jedi mind tricks to snooker Republicans into promising to preserve Social Security and Medicare — and he hasn’t lost a step.

and he sure as fuck isn’t going to drift off into some weird-ass fugue state and start babbling incoherently about water.

Trump: “whether it’s a water faucet that doesn’t put out water, or a shower that no water’s — or a washing machine where you could be in the middle of the greatest waterfall. you know, you have some states — they can’t get rid of their water. the washing machines, they don’t give you enough water.”

what in the jewel-encrusted fuck is Donny yammering about? listening to Trump struggle to form sentences is like watching a monkey play with a hand grenade. you know it’s going to end horribly, but you can’t look away.

if your own grandfather started blithering like this, you’d confiscate his car keys.

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House Republicans have another huge problem with Joe giving the SOTU next week: the current budget resolution expires in two days, on Friday, March 1. by the time Joe Biden speaks next Thursday, we could be in the middle of a goverment shutdown.

won’t that be something, watching Joe Biden hammer the shit out of Republicans during a shutdown that everyone will know they engineered.

and so Comer Fudd and the degenerate wrestling coach have come up with a brilliant hail Mary pass with which to distract everyone: more hearings! this time, they’ve subpoenaed Merrick Garland.

While continuing to defend their impeachment investigation into President Joe Biden, despite the testimony or credibility of numerous star witnesses collapsing, Republican House Chairs Jim Jordan and Jim Comer on Tuesday announced they have issued a subpoena to Attorney General Merrick Garland for “records, including transcripts, notes, video, and audio files, related to Special Counsel Robert Hur’s investigation” of President Biden’s mishandling of classified information.

oh, and when is the subpoena due?

The deadline Comer and Jordan gave the Attorney General is March 7, the date President Biden is scheduled to deliver his State of the Union Address.

yeah, that’ll work.

by the way, since the Jimmies’ last star witness turned out be a Russian spy — and is currently cooling his disgraced heels in a jail cell — Comer and Jordan have had to come up with a brand-spanking-new star witness.

and oh boy, have they found one. this guy’s going to be great — the best star witness yet! he has all the dirt on Burisma and bribes and … oh wait, have we mentioned that he’s in jail, too?

With Smirnov disgraced, Comer is now relying on the jailhouse testimony of a guy convicted of swindling Native American tribes who claims to have a draft email from Hunter proving Joe was ‘keen’ on joining the board of a CCP-linked company. Sounds legit!

doesn’t anyone around here know how to fake a decent scandal? it really makes you miss the days of 32 Benghazi investigations.

seriously, if Donald Trump is this Wile E. Coyote,

House Republicans are this Wile E. Coyote.

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stop the presses! Trump Number One Fan Girl Aileen Cannon has actually done the right thing for once, reversing a prior ruling that would have allowed Walt Nauta and Carlos De Oliveira — the butler and the pool boy — to get their hands on the classified material that’s at the center of the Big Trump Stolen Document Fuckery Trial.

letting Nauta and De Oliveira get their paws all over state secrets would have created a huge national security problem, and so The Man Who Convicts War Criminals In The Hague filed a writ of what the fuck is wrong with you, Aileen — and lo and behold, Cannon actually saw the error of her ways.

The judge’s order states, “The Court, following a careful review of the Motions and related filings, concludes that the Special Counsel has carried his burden to withhold from Defendants Nauta and De Oliveira personally all classified discovery produced to date.”

so, it turns out that Judge Cannon is teachable. who’da thunk it?

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finally, if you were expecting The New York Times to spin the results of yesterday’s Michigan primary into a big ball of Here’s Why This Is Bad News For Joe Biden, you got it exactly right.

Biden won by 75 points. Trump won by 35 points. Yet here is how the New York Times frames it.

“President Biden won the state’s Democratic primary election but faced opposition over his Gaza policy, and Donald Trump easily beat Nikki Haley.”

no one could have seen this coming, by which I mean: everyone saw this coming.