Team Donny: bird flu’s no biggie, because chickens can’t fly

Donny’s Sewer Clowns have no idea what they’re doing

some internet loudmouth (okay, it was me) once described Donny’s Confederacy of Sewer Clowns as ‘traitors writing foreign policy, racists writing immigration policy, thieves writing economic policy, polluters writing environmental policy, ignoramuses writing science policy, a hired goon heading the department of justice and One Fucking Moron to Rule Them All.’

fair assessment, right? well, it looks like we have a new one for the list: dweeby bean counters writing bird flu policy.

check out Kevin Hassett, one of Donny’s economic advisors, serving Face the Nation’s Margaret Brennan a big slice of I have no fucking clue what I’m gibbering about.

Margaret Brennan: “what is the plan? what are you going to do?”

Kevin Hassett: “so again, the Biden plan was to just kill chickens. and they spent billions of dollars just randomly killing chickens within a perimeter where they found a sick chicken. and so you go — I just went to the grocery store. I shop for our family in part because I love to look at prices, and there were no eggs at the store yesterday. just a few. and so that happened because they killed all the chickens. so what we need to do is have better ways. biosecurity and medication and so on, to make sure so that the perimeter doesn’t have to kill the chickens. to have a better, smarter perimeter. and so having a smart perimeter is what we’re working on, and we’re finalizing the ideas about how to do that with the best scientists in government, and that’s the kind of thing that should have happened a year ago, and if it had, the egg prices would be a lot better than they are now. but the avian flu is a real thing, and by the way, it’s spread mostly by ducks and geese. think about it. they’re killing chickens to stop the spread, but chickens don’t really fly.”

that was so many words, just so say ‘we have no plan. we have no idea what we’re doing.’ this guy Hassett really needs to tighten things up. Donny would have simply said ‘we’re looking at it very strongly and we’ll see what happens’ and then launched into a story about a big, strong poultry farmer who called him ‘sir.’

but the honest answer would have been: “I don’t even know why I’m on your show. I’m a fucking economist, not a scientist.”

everything boils down to “we’re going to the opposite of whatever Joe Biden did, because we’re all spite-fueled grievances babies here, and fuck Joe Biden” — but here’s why you kill an entire flock when one bird gets infected.

This virus kills chickens FAST. We’re talking 24 hours or less to wipe out an entire backyard flock of ~50 birds. Most of the time the reason the tests are run is because someone wakes up in the morning and finds half the flock dead and the rest dying. The culling is just to speed up the inevitable and contain the virus as quickly as possible.

Hassett is sure in love with the word perimeter. he uses it four times in that one-minute clip. here’s what he’s talking about: a fence. his big-brain idea is to put the chickens inside fences — which is something that poultry farmers have already been doing since forever, so the birds don’t, y’know, wander away, or get eaten by predators.

awesome job reinventing the wheel, Kevin.

but reinventing the wheel is Peak Sewer Clown. these arrogant fools think of the first obvious fucking answer that comes to mind, and then prance about excitedly under the delusion that no one else has ever thought of it before.

hey, why don’t they just make the birds drink bleach? I hear that’s an effective way of killing viruses.

you really want to ask, where did Donny find this joker? but you can already guess the answer: Donny saw him on Fox News, ranting about the evils of socialism — and that was all he needed to name Hassett to his team of economic advisors.

speaking of Little Donny Fuckface, here’s what he did yesterday: took some time off from his grueling schedule of spending the entire weekend golfing, and inflicted himself on the Daytona 500 — where, before the actual race, the Secret Service put him in his Big Boy Car and drove him in circles around the track.

vroom vroom, Donny! look at you go!

Donny also took questions from the press, because the needy attention hog can no longer go ten minutes without finding a camera to stand in front of.

here’s Dear Leader explaining that his plan for lowering the price of eggs is go fuck yourself.

reporter: “egg prices have reached an all-time high.”

Donny: “well there’s a flu. before I ever got here it. remember, I’ve been here for three weeks.”

got that? the guy who claimed he would fix everything on his first day in office is now begging off. presidenting is hard.

Donny has no plan. Kevin Hassett has no plan. beyond stealing all the money, none of the Sewer Clowns have plans — or clues. know what we should do? let’s put Donny’s entire administration inside a perimeter, to keep us safe from them.

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it’s been a minute, so let’s check in on Esteemed Senator Fidel Cancun.

“I met with the Danish Ambassador this past week. I met with the Greenlandic Ambassador, and I gotta say they were upset. they were offended. they said ‘Greenland is not for sale.’ and I laughed and I said ‘everything is for sale.’”

no, Ted. not everything is for sale. once again, every Republican accusation is actually a confession. it’s Ted Cruz who put his own shameless self up for sale in 2016.

here’s a fun thing Ted said about Donny during the 2016 primary season.

“I’m gonna tell you what I really think of Donald Trump: This man is a pathological liar. He doesn’t know the difference between truth and lies. He lies practically every word that comes out of his mouth, and in a pattern that I think is straight out of a psychology textbook, his response is to accuse everybody else of lying.”

the instant that Donny won the nomination, Ted immediately rolled over and showed Dear Leader his soft underbelly.

and this was after Donny called Ted’s wife ugly, and accused Cruz’ father of being part of the JFK assassination.

is there a slimier dollop of obsequiousness in all of American politics?

did you know that if you put salt on Ted Cruz, he’ll dissolve? wait, I’m thinking of garden slugs. no wait, Ted Cruz is a garden slug.

When salt is thrown on these animals, it quickly absorbs water from their bodies, causing the destruction of cells and tissues, turning their bodies into a slimy, shapeless mass, as if they were melting.

if there’s a better description of Ted Cruz than “a slimy, shapeless mass,” I don’t know what it is.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.