suck-ups and flunkies agree: Dear Leader is the bestest fuckwit ever

scenes from a batshit cabinet meeting

Donny Convict held a cabinet meeting yesterday. the whole dog-and-pony show was almost four grueling hours long. there isn’t enough space to document all the atrocities that occurred therein, so let’s just mock the shit out of the farce that kicks off every one of these meetings: the Ritual of the Obsequious Ass-Kissing.

it’s been a feature of every one of the Mad King’s cabinet meetings, going all the way back to his first reign: in a nauseating display of self-debasement, the secretaries compete to out-grovel each other in lavishing over-the-top praise on Dear Leader — and Donny just sits there, basking in it, with that smug, shit-eating grin on his face.

like everything else that goes on in government these days, it’s fucking embarrassing.

here’s Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent. he can’t wait to tell Dear Leader what a good boy he’s been. in fact, Dear Leader just might be the bestest boy ever!

“sir, as we’ve said very often, economic security is national security, and our country has never been so secure, thanks to you. you have brought us back from the edge, you have the overwhelming mandate from the American people, you’re restoring confidence in government … you, sir, are restoring trust to government.”

it cannot be over-stressed: this is not how a well-adjusted, functional adult needs to be addressed. this is the kind of over-the-top affirmation you give a two-year-old who made it all the way to the potty without doing a boom-boom in his pants — which isn’t even a thing we can congratulate Donny for, if Marco Rubio’s reaction is any indication.

whoever comes up with the seating arrangement in the Cabinet Room must really hate Marco — because he always ends up stuck next to America’s narcoleptic fart factory.

remember how, at their previous cabinet meeting, Marco kept having to rub his nose and shift uncomfortably in his chair, as Preznit Poopy filled the air with the pungent aroma of ass music?

dude, isn’t there someone you can bribe to get a less noxious seat?

now let’s greet our next contestant in the ass-kissing competition, Secretary of Labor Lori Chavez-DeRemer.

“Mr. President, I invite you to see your big beautiful face on a banner in front of the Department of Labor because you are really the transformational president of the American worker.”

oops, it’s happening again.

Chavez-DeRemer shits you not, she actually hung a three-story-tall banner featuring Dear Leader’s “big beautiful” (barf) face from the roof of the Labor building.

this is so fucking embarrassing. normal governments headed by sane leaders don’t do this — just as sane leaders don’t tart up their workspace with vulgar golden tat. but, of course, normal countries aren’t led by fragile narcissists who need to be jerked off every twenty minutes, else they get cranky.

you know which countries pull this crap? the ones headed by Donny’s despot besties, like North Korea.

please, don’t nobody show Donny this photo of North Koreans bowing before a ginormous portrait of Kim Jong-un and his father. we don’t need to give him any more fucked-up ideas.

now let’s hear from granny-starving plutocrat Howard Lutnick.

“the Department of Commerce is going to start issuing its statistics on the blockchain, because you are the crypto president.”

EXCUSE ME, BUT WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

‘the blockchain’ is a digital ledger of cryptocurrency transactions. why do labor statistics need to be on the blockchain? what the fuck is Lutnick talking about? I guarantee that he doesn’t know. I guarantee no one at that cabinet meeting knows. but all of them — the Fox News dunk-tank clown, the whale-head chainsawer, the puppy assassin — all of them are nodding their heads and going ‘yeah, the blockchain, great idea,’ because no one has the courage to stand up and be the one to point out that the emperor has no blockchain.

and the only fucking reason that Donny is ‘the crypto president’ is because crypto is an awesome and untraceable way to bribe a politician.

Interior Secretary Doug Burgum, you’re up next.

“you have breathed life back into the profession of law enforcement. your respect for law enforcement is incredible and making a difference.”

I’m sorry, what? President Thirty-Four Count Convicted Felon has respect for who now?

shut the fuck up, Doug. fact check:

probably the best way to slither your way into Dear Leader’s good graces is to insist that no human on the planet was ever more-deserving of a Nobel Peace Prize — which is why it’s a shock that we needed to go halfway around the table before Steve Witkoff thought to do it.

“there’s only one thing I wish for: that that Nobel committee finally gets its act together and realizes that you are the single finest candidate since that Nobel award was ever talked about.”

how does Witkoff even still have a job? he’s the dumbfuck who got played by Putin and went running back to Dear Leader and said ‘let’s have a summit in Alaska to announce a cease-fire.’ we all know how that worked out for Donny, who should have fired Witkoff on the spot for making him look like a fool. is there a Nobel Easily-Conned Dimwit Prize? if so, give it to Witkoff.

Pam Bondi is so proud of the laser-like focus she’s putting the important aspects of law enforcement.

“it is illegal to be under the influence and on a boat.”

really? because I’ll bet everyone in this photo is drunk off their ass.

is it illegal to be under the influence of a moron and be on a boat?

I will go out on a limb and posit that piss-drunk Defense Secretaries is a greater problem in America than drunk pleasure boaters.

but do tell, Pam — are you compiling a list of drunk boaters, and maybe putting all their names in a file? is it on your desk, next to the Epstein Files?

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fuck it, let’s just skip ahead to the most important news in the universe: the engagement of Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. naturally, some waste-of-space reporter had to ask President Pantload for his reaction.

“well I wish them a lot of luck. I think he’s a great player. I think he’s a great guy, and I think that she’s a terrific person. so I wish them a lot of luck.”

fact check:

TACO Donny always chickens out.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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