space aliens are eating Republican brains

it’s the only explanation for their panic over drones

it takes a special kind of stupid to see lights in the night sky and conclude that America is being invaded by space aliens from the planet China — but MAGA is just that kind of stupid.

it’s been a couple of weeks now since the sighting of what may or may not have been drones over New Jersey caused the dumbest fucking imbeciles on the planet to freak out. these panicky pantloads have now decided that every object in the sky — airplanes, constellations — is a clear sign that our country is under attack, and their overheated clownshittery shows no sign of abating.

let’s sample some of the fever-swamp theories being passed around the MAGAverse as to who’s behind all this treachery from above.

Nancy Mace knows who’s behind the drones: space aliens from beyond the universe.

“my concern is if it’s not craft from outer space, because I think that has to be on the table. that has to be an option … I hope that it’s us. I hope that it’s not our adversaries, or something from outside the universe.”

Nancy’s got a legit worry here, because if space creatures are indeed behind this, it raises a whole new set of concerns — ones that could impact issues that are very close to Nancy’s heart.

specifically: what if the aliens are gender fluid? what if they’re trans? what if they have three — or more — sexes, and insist we respect their pronouns?

oh my god, what if they want to use Nancy Mace’s bathroom?

stopping this pernicious fuckery dead in its tracks is exactly why Dear Leader invented the Space Force — so why isn’t Sleepy Joe using it?

by the way, if these aliens are literally — as Nancy posits — from outside our universe, that means they’ve been traveling for at least 36 billion light-years. after all that time, they’re definitely going to need to use Nancy’s bathroom.

something must be done.

* * *

Rudy Giuliani knows who’s behind the drones — China.

“we basically allowed China to rape us with the balloon.”

Rudy, keep your weird sexual fantasies to yourself.

I have a question: how does this vodka-soaked tosspot still have a microphone? why hasn’t it been seized by US Marshals yet?

seriously, how is Rudy not podcasting from an abandoned van, down by the river? he’s been ordered over and over to hand over all his assets, and he’s still dragging his feet and making excuses. how has this fuck not been jailed for contempt of court? he’s certainly been threatened often enough.

if I were Ruby Freeman or Shaye Moss, I’d walk right up and pluck that mic out of Rudy’s palsied fist, because fuck that deadbeat fuck.

Marjorie Spork Toes Greene knows who’s behind the drones — she is.

“The government is in control of the drones and refuses to tell the American people what is going on. It really is that bad.”

Marjorie, you fluff-headed genetic freak of nature, you are the government.

at least Marge isn’t blaming the Jews this time — but frankly, we could launch an invasion attack-drones, if we wanted to. we do have the tech.

it’s lucky for Marge that we’re too busy this week, controlling the media.

* * *

Pennsylvania State Sen. Doug Mastriano knows who’s behind the drones — Darth Vader.

Doug, of course, has fallen for an obvious joke. someone took a photo of a Star Wars prop — a TIE fighter — mounted on a flatbed truck, and captioned it “Breaking News: Crashed drone in Orange Beach retrieved from water, and taken to undisclosed location for further investigation.”

after getting mocked mercilessly by the internet for two solid days, Doug now claims he was in on the joke all along.

sure you were, Doug.

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the MAGAverse is running out of characters. that’s the only explanation for this.

“I am pleased to nominate Herschel Walker as United States Ambassador to the Commonwealth of the Bahamas.”

hang around Donny long enough and he’ll eventually recycle you. Hersh has been one of Donny’s found objects since 1983, when he played football for the USFL, a short-lived league that Donny was single-handedly responsible for bankrupting.

more recently, Hersh was Donny’s failed choice to run for Senate in Georgia in 2022. that’s when America learned that Herschel Walker is a fucking lunatic. no, really — he’s out there, wandering aimlessly where the buses don’t run. check out what Walker said — unprompted — during an actual campaign appearance.

“I don’t know if you know, but vampires are some cool people, are they not? But let me tell you something that I found out: a werewolf can kill a vampire. Did you know that? I never knew that. So, I don’t want to be a vampire any more. I want to be a werewolf.”

this is exactly the kind of gravitas that our diplomatic corps so desperately needs.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.