sorry, no — assassination attempts aren’t the Democrats’ fault

in which Republicans play ‘pin the blame on the donkey’

for those of you keeping score at home, it’s Republicans 2, Democrats 0.

exactly zero dweeby incel Democrats have climbed a building adjacent to one of Donny’s hate rallies, and fired an assault weapon in the direction of Dear Leader — but a Republican did.

exactly zero mentally unstable Democrats have camped out for twelve hours on the edge of one of Donny’s Florida golf hovels, armed with an assault weapon, a camera and a bag of food, waiting for a clear shot — but a Republican did.

but to listen to the hysterical bleatings of Republicans, it’s apparent they live in some bizarre, alternate fever-swamp reality where it’s the Democrats who are perpetrating all this shit.

here’s couch-conjugator JD Vance, who never met an issue he couldn’t demagogue the fuck out of.

“but you know the big difference between conservatives and liberals is that now one has tried to kill Kamala Harris in the last two months and two people have tried to kill Donald Trump in the last couple of months. I’d say that’s pretty strong evidence that the left needs to tone down the rhetoric and needs to cut this crap out.”

JD can fuck completely off. he’s practically a one-man pogrom-generator. he’s spent the last week single-handedly destroying daily life in Springfield, Ohio — a formerly quiet community that now endures constant school and hospital bomb-threats, and impromptu visits by neo-Nazi and wingnut paramilitary groups looking to stir up shit.

here’s the latest Republican-perpetrated atrocity in Springfield:

In light of recent threats and safety concerns, the City of Springfield has made the difficult decision to cancel this year’s CultureFest celebration. The decision was made with the utmost consideration for the safety and well-being of our community and event participants.

CultureFest, scheduled for September 27-28, is an event that celebrates diversity, arts and local culture. City officials, in consultation with local and state law enforcement, determined that canceling the event is the most responsible course of action to prevent any potential risks to attendees, staff, vendors and volunteers.

just great, an annual celebration of how diverse Springfield is has now been cancelled — and, spoiler alert: it’s not Democrats who have been phoning in these bomb threats.

yeah, you built that, JD. remember how you went on CNN and accidentally confessed that you made up all the vicious lies you spread about Haitians? ace job, pat yourself on the back — and stop claiming that no one is going after Kamala, because guess fucking what.

it’s been a minute, so let’s check in on America’s Dumbest Senator, failed football coach Tommy Tuberville. if you’re looking for the stupidest possible take on Donny’s latest golf course misadventure, T-Tubes does not disappoint.

“they’re trying to kill the only guy that has a chance to get this fixed. of course President Biden — I don’t know who’s running this country, but somebody needs to step to the plate and at least act like you care about a Republican candidate. but they truly don’t. they could care less. there needs to be Seal Teams, there needs to be military. I don’t know what these people are thinking. of course Chuck Schumer and McConnell and all these people up here are running around with all kinds of security in Washington DC, and the one man, we need to protect his life, is Donald Trump.”

this is what happens when you play football without a helmet. let’s wade through Tommy’s double-barreled incoherence.

“they’re trying to kill the only guy that has a chance to get this fixed.”

are you kidding me? Donny Convict? the guy who made it easier for unstable people to get their hands on weapons of mass death?

he’s gonna fix this? in your dreams, marble-mouth.

“there needs to be Seal Teams, there needs to be military.”

is Tommy not aware that Donny already has his own 24-hour-a-day Secret Service detail? does Tommy not understand how his own government works? did Tommy not wear a helmet even once during his football career?

hey, here’s a fun story. apparently, for eight years now, the Secret Service has been warning Donny that spending half his life waddling about on golf courses is just asking for trouble.

Soon after Donald Trump became president, authorities tried to warn him about the risks posed by golfing at his own courses because of their proximity to public roads. Secret Service agents came armed with unusual evidence: not suspect profiles or spent bullet casings, but simple photographs taken by news crews of him golfing at his private club in Sterling, Va.

They reasoned that if photographers with long-range lenses could get the president in their sights while he golfed, so too could potential gunmen.

what the fuck does Terminally-Concussed Tommy expect a Seal Team to do, if Donny refuses to listen to reason?

Utah Senator Mike Lee has earned himself a one-way ticked to Fuckoffistan.

here’s how Mike has been spending his time in the Senate.

here’s another thing Mikes likes to brag about having accomplished.

the next time some dipshit stalks Dear Leader, armed with an assault weapon he bought in a gun store with no questions asked, send a big gooey thank-you note to Mike Lee, because he’s helping.

meanwhile, Donny Convict phoned into Fox News yesterday, to do what he does best: whine about how unfair everything is. oh, and also, to lie his big dumb face off.

“He believed the rhetoric of Biden and Harris, and he acted on it,” Trump said of the gunman in an interview with Fox News Digital. “Their rhetoric is causing me to be shot at, when I am the one who is going to save the country, and they are the ones that are destroying the country — both from the inside and out.”

hey, Mister Tone Down The Rhetoric, is this you?

the GOP’s goal here, of course, is to cow the Democrats into shutting the fuck up and never criticizing Republicans about anything.

see? see what you did? this bad stuff happened because you said terrible things about us.

but here’s the thing:

no Democrat is lying about the damage Donny and the Republicans want to inflict on America.

when Democrats say that Republicans want to end democracy, it’s because Republicans wrote a whole fucking book about their plans to exactly that.

when Democrats say that Donny wants to terminate the Constitution, that’s because he actually fucking said he wants to.

when Democrats warn that Republicans will refuse to accept the results of the November’s election, well, what the fuck do you call this?

meanwhile, not one true thing ever comes out of Donny’s and Couchfuck’s mouths.

Democrats are not “marxist communists fascists” — what the fuck does that even mean, Donny?

the border is not wide open. no one is executing babies post-birth. no one is EATING THE DAWGS. no one is forcing sex-change operations on schoolchildren — or on migrants in prisons, for fuck’s sake.

and not one Democrat has tried to assassinate Donny Convict.