Sidney Powell flips and Donald Trump is fuuuucked

and Jim Jordan gets sideswiped by his own supporters

Little Donny Fuckface is — and I’m going to use a very precise legal term here — super fucking fucked.

Donald Trump’s very bad week got a lot worse yesterday morning, as the writers threw in a plot twist that no one saw coming: Sidney Powell decided that she absolutely did not want to go to prison for Trump, and pleaded guilty for her part in the Big Georgia Election Fuckery Conspiracy.

Sid was sentenced to six years’ probation and agreed to pay a $6,000 fine and $2,700 in restitution.

Powell was looking at 5 to 20 long and lonely years in the slammer. that she got probation and a few thousand in fines instead is extremely bad news for Donny.

here’s why: she also agreed to turn over documents and testify truthfully in her co-defendants’ trials.

and oh fucking boy, does Sidney ever have all the goods on Donald Trump. she was right there in the Oval Office for all the secret meetings where all the cockamamie ideas for breaking into voting machines and stealing the data were cooked up.

Fani Willis is nobody’s fool. you know that she yours-in-serviced the fuck out of Powell until she was satisfied that Sid could deliver every bit of incriminating evidence on Trump — and that’s why Powell got such a sweetheart deal.

Sidney’s going to get up on the witness stand and sing like a bird against Donald Trump — because if she doesn’t, per the terms of her guilty plea, she goes right back to looking at that 5-to-20 prison stretch.

everything is going badly for Donald Trump right now, and there’s no good news on the horizon. every one one of his trials is pointing to a big fucking guilty verdict.

if I were Donny, right now I’d be screaming at the butler and the pool boy to google for “countries with no extradition treaties.”

yours in service!

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meanwhile, nobody’s favorite shouty half-dressed degenerate wrestling coach continues to have the worst fucking week of his life.

we got yet another plot twist yesterday morning when Jimmy Jords announced that he was suspending his attempt to become House Speaker and was backing expanded powers for the current pro-tem Speaker, Patrick McHenry.

Jim called all the House Republicans into a meeting, and that’s when the real fun started.

Tensions flared at a House GOP meeting after Jordan's decision. Former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, R-Calif., “screamed” at Rep. Matt Gaetz, R-Fla., who led the push to oust him, to sit down when the Florida congressman went to the microphone to speak, according to Axios reporter Juliegrace Brufke. Rep. Michael Bost, R-Ill., was “almost lunging” at Gaetz, sources told Brufke.

Team Jordan was fucking pissed at Gym’s capitulation, and they got all up in his face and told him to cut the shit and get back out there for another round of voting.

the bully got bullied — by his own friends. what’s not to love?

it was total fucking chaos after that.

House Republicans spent the rest of the day issuing conflicting statements, and sniping at and blocking each other on social media.

check out this super-classy bit of victim-shaming:

IN THE MEETING yesterday between JIM JORDAN and hold outs, close Jordan ally WARREN DAVIDSON said it's not Team Jordan's fault that holdouts are getting death threats. They are getting the death threats, he said, because they voted against Jordan. This was relayed to me from many ppl in the room.

in other words, the death threats will continue until morale improves.

Shouty Gym now find himself stuck between a rock and a bunch of maniacs.

he doesn’t have the votes to win — in fact he’s bleeding support — yet his own people are forcing him to keep going out and humiliating himself.

Jordan held an incoherent press conference this morning during which he announced that he is going to continue to punch himself in the face until it stops hurting.

even Fox & Friends — a.k.a Romper Room for Racists — had no fucking clue why.

“I’m not sure what the purpose of the press conference was.”

the third round of voting his happening right now, as I’m writing this … aaaaaand … that it. they’re only up to the D’s in the roll call, and Jordan has already lost.

what a pathetic clown show.

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let’s give the final word to political analyst Rachel Bitecofer, because she absolutely fucking nails it:

“If Republicans can’t govern themselves, they can’t govern you.”

Democrats, are you listening? this should be your campaign messaging today, tomorrow and every day until the heat death of the universe.